Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large piece of red machinery.
Mick says "What the hell are you doing Paddy?"
Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on lately and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor."
I’ve recently been testing some other uses for the GoPro HD Hero other than filming footage from onboard my motorcycle or luging down a hill in Rotorua.
Normally when you search for GoPro on YouTube you’ll be presented with videos of Skydiving, Base jumping, Motorsports, Watersports and many other adventurous, adrenaline seeking activities.
Husband is prone to dislocating his kneecap when he over exerts himself, and wife is familiar with the urgency of relocating said kneecap. The cure is to place the lower leg on the same plane as the upper leg in very short time so the offending kneecap will slide back into position.
Two of our four teenage children were still living at home on the night when amorous husband decided to bring a liquid nightcap into the marriage bedroom. Husband placed the drinks & treats alluringly on a tray for his beloved and headed for the bedroom. The door was gently closed for the intimacy required on this night and husband glided alluringly to wife’s bedside.
As husband twisted to sit on edge of bed, the recurring kneecap popped out and husband screamed out loud in excruciating pain. Tray projected into the air and glasses and their contents sprayed the bed, the husband and beloved.
Knowing how to rectify husband’s condition, wife, yelled over top of husband’s scream, "straighten it, straighten it", to the wonder and curiosity of the teenagers in the next bedroom. Unbeknown to the children, wife was referring to husband’s leg,
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak…..
He propped up his gun in the corner of his duck blind.Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genials. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot.’ ‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.
‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your pen-s. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’
‘Well I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’
‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t weee everywhere.
Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.
My son is notorious for using strange voices and pretending he is different people every time he rings family or friends. This morning he returns to Australia from his honeymoon and I was hoping for a text message to say he had landed safely.
The phone rang at 9:30 am. An amusing voice told me that he was running late but would be at my place in a couple of hours.
Surprised and flattered that he would consider seeing his parents on his first day back, I gushed that I would love to see my darling as soon as possible and that we could catch up on everything and have a lovely lunch together.
"Madam, the voice declared after a brief pause,"I’m the man putting in your insulation and I’ve been held up at another job!"
Shocked and embarassed I blurted out,"Oh! I’m so sorry! I thought you were my son! He’s always putting on funny accents! I mean he uses different voices. Oh! I’m so sorry….."
How am I going to face him when he comes to the door?
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television…and later to the remote control. –Dave Berry
On ageing
Just another in regard to getting words mixed up in church and prayers etc.
I always thought God’s name was Peter. My parents could never work out why I thought it was Peter and I couldn’t work out why they didn’t know….. Remember at the end of prayers the priest would say "Thanks be to God"….well I always thought it said "Thanks, Peter God", thus his name was Peter!!
True story
My younger brother had met a Polish girl (has since married her) and my first opportunity to meet her was on a Saturday morning when the three of us were strolling down the street of a busy little village, looking in the shop windows. We weren’t trying to stay together, just strolling along.
From close behind me I heard her voice, obviously directed at me -"I’d like to make love in de oil ". My mind raced…. surely not!. "Sorry?" I said turning back towards her (and checking how far away my brother was).
She repeated "I’d like to make love in de oil ".
My concerns (oh okay, also my fantasies) were dismissed when I realised that she was looking in the window of the aromatherapy shop. "Oh, you’d like to make your own lavender oil? That’s nice."
Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving. He was given six months but the police don’t think he will finish his sentence.
It was reported in today’s Melbourne “Age” that a group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington yesterday to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their bodies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four."
"No, Madam," he replied, "I’m riding Cupid’s Arrow in the 5th at 2.15.
A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."
A friend’s young daughter heard a riddle in kindergarten and brought it home to tell her quite protective daddy.
Unfortunately, the little girl got the joke wrong, to her father’s obvious consternation.
The riddle was supposed to be "What kind of flower grows between your chin and your nose?". Unfortunately, the youngster said this: "What kind of flower grows between your legs?". The answer? Tulips!
While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."
His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."
A teacher was putting on a play of ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears.’ One student’s mother quickly gave her a cuddly brown costume for the baby bear and another lent two larger, snow white polar bear costumes for the mother and father bear. When it got to the part in the play where the father bear asked "Who’s been sleeping in my bed?" a parent from the back giggled, "You may well ask!"
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.
"Nothing," he snapped.
"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"
Anyone who’s ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
"It’s a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." -Craig Ferguson
An old favourite
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had s * x all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying B…..d! You’ve been playing golf!’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ ‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’
A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he replies.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.
"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
Interesting thoughts to ponder….
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
This time tomorrow, we’ll have another child.
Kim is going into hospital tomorrow morning for an elective cesarean (c-section) operation in the afternoon.
I’m not sure who’s more nervous, last time I nearly passed out. But with the help of our Midwife Midhusband Graham, I’m hoping to stand up and watch the baby being removed from my wife’s stomach.
Just thinking about it makes me queasy.
I hope to keep you all informed via this blog, twitter and facebook, so which ever medium you follow me on, be sure to wish Kim and I all the best and we’ll hopefully have something to show you all really soon.
