The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?, asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That’s easy," said Tom. "You just say ‘Of course I will’".

"Yeah", said Eric, "That’s what I did, except I said, ‘Of course I DO….’"


A little girl’s Christmas wish:

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer,

Amen.."


A couple of days ago my wife and I, our oldest daughter and her nine year old were driving back home from our youngest daughter’s wedding. It had been a great day and we were discussing the event.

Our youngest is a very short and petite lady who has trouble (!) finding clothes small and slim enough for her. But she managed to get a suitable and beautiful wedding dress without having one specially made.

Conversation in the car went as follows Older Daughter – didn’t she look lovely in her dress? My wife – yes, and it cost less than $1000 too Nine year Old grand son – A thousand dollars!!!!! and she will only wear it once !!!! Me – Well he’s growing up to be a proper bloke!

Not sure that my response was really appreciated by the ladies.


The quotes from youngsters in church, reminds me that for years I thought in the Lord’s Prayer that the line "forgive us all evil." was "forgive us all eagle." I just couldn’t understand 1.) Why it was all eagle and not all eagles and 2.) Why the God should forgive us for eagles!

Well, at least I knew something about grammar!


Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.


Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…. You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes."


An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat."


In the fun world of the administration of NZ Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example: On a bitterly cold winter’s day several weeks ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What’s the matter?" asked the constable. "Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out." "Can’t." "OK, watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded …."


Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS
A. A crazy bitch that can find you.


An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."

So the maid takes his peter and lays it out on a marble bench. She then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his peter causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well….?"

She proudly replies:

"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God".


Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars…"

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you…."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I’ll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O’Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn’t you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter


Right before Christmas our 4 year old son, Nathan – ok, he’ll be 5 on March 3rd 09, surprised us at the dinner table with this one:

"How did the crocodile eat the brick?"

… pause and use a slow, growling voice (as he did),

"With very sharp teeth and plenty of time!"


"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

“But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I’ve tried that – it’s never worked."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’


Q: What goes cloak, cloak?

A: A Chinese toad.


I’ve just signed for parachute school. I asked the instructor, "How many jumps do I have to make successfully before I graduate?" He said: "All of them."


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin


My daughter has had a terrible time. First off she got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that she got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. Those primary school spelling tests are really hard these days.


I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency."


25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 1)… from Anthony

  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
  2. My mother taught me RELIGION. ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
  3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
  4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
  5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
  6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
  7. My mother taught me IRONY ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
  8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
  9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
  10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
  11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
  12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?

Merry Christmas from the Hodges

The boys and girls over at JibJab have been busy improving on last years Elf Yourself. Last year it was a funny way of sending Christmas wishes to friends and family by uploading your face and cropping it to fit, then the application puts your face on a elf, dancing away to a Christmas song. Well this year it’s been taken over by JibJab (the people who brought you ‘This Land‘) and they’ve added some cool new dances, Disco, Charleston and Country along with last years Original.

Send a personal humourous Christmas greeting this year with elf yourself from JibJab.

Disco

Charleston

Country

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


"Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." –Darius Denning


"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date." –Caroline Rhea


One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"


Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree … On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.
Santa, in his angry state, ignored it.

There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa–filled with rage–threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"


President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing
2008 Olympic Games.

He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the president’s ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."


Retiree’s Thought… My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday!" I said, "I didn’t get finished!!!"


A true story

A little girl in my class, who is from a large family, was telling her news. She told us that after her father found out her mother was going to have another baby he took two days off work. A boy put up his hand and asked why. It was so hard not to laugh when she replied, "Mummy said he was in shock."


CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 21st October 2008

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 22nd October 2008

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 23rd October 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 24th October 2008

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Fucking Employees

DATE: 25th October 2008

RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Witch from HELL!!!

————————————————————————–

FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )

TO: All Employees

DATE: 26th October 2008

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Benson.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."


I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.

I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don’t forget to empty the trash.

Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear." — Cynthia Kainu


Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb husband is out fishing in that rubbish?"

I still don’t know if she was joking.


Follow up to last week’s dog vs wife debate…

How do you know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock both of them in the boot of your car. Leave them for an hour. Open the boot and find out which one is happy to see you.


Christmas carol for 2008!!!

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash
I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It’s hitting you once,
It’s hitting you twice
It doesn’t care if you’ve been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It’s worthless if you’ve got shares
It’s worthless if you’ve got bonds
It’s safe when you’ve got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.


"Earlier today, President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called ‘So Long Suckers.’" -Conan O’Brien


The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

  • Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
  • Bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet
  • Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
  • Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
  • Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
  • Mateshit: all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
  • Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of s e xual activity
  • Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
  • Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
  • Crackie-daks: ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi’s amongst us:

  • Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you’ve got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, it’s no use, it’s yesterday’s!"


One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and wound down its window. "I’ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!" replied the boy. “How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked. “I said no way"
replied the boy

“What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver “No, I’m not getting in the car." answered the boy “Okay, I’ll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered “No!" replied the boy. “What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the f’ing Volvo, you live with it!"


The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."


Contemporary Latin Phrases:

  • "Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy is here.)
  • "Sharpei diem." (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
  • "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." (Remove foil before microwaving.)
  • "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum." (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
  • "Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)
  • "Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!)
  • "Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.)
  • "No Quid Pro Quo." (I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.)
  • "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription re- filled, and soon the symptoms of menopause–hot flashes, forgetfulness and irritability returned.

At the pharmacy, I found myself telling the pharmacist all about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, “Just out of interest, how many people asked you to get this refilled?


“There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” -Cyrus Curtis


While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and ask my son, Joshua, “Who’s that?”

“That’s my mom,” Joshua answered. “Wow,” the man said, “my mother doesn’t look like that.”

“Yeah,” my son said, “well, neither does mine.”


Contemporary Latin Phrases

  • “Domino vobiscum.” (The pizza guy is here.)
  • “Sharpei diem.” (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
  • “Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum.” (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
  • “Motorolus interruptus.” (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)
  • “Sic semper tyrannus.” (Your dinosaur is ill.)
  • “Veni, Vidi, Velcro” (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

A variation on “dogs have owners, cats have staff” that I use based on my observation of our pets over the years…

Dogs have favourite people, cats have employee of the month.


My wife and I saw this on a church in WA last week – it was on a official sign and appeared to be official (not graffiti). There are so many messages in this.

“THIS CHURCH IS NOT FULL OF HYPOCRITES………………….ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE”


Why men don’t write advice columns

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He’d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Susie Fox

 

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .

I hope this helps.
Ted


A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

“What on earth are you up to? What happened?!” he demanded.

“I’m terribly sorry,” said the man, “I forgot to let go of the brick.”


“I took a course in speed reading and was able to read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.” -Woody Allen


This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , the Taliban Minister for Immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that, if military action against Iraq continues, he will cut off Australia’s supply of convenience store managers.

And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, public servants and Queensland doctors. This could get very ugly.!


Photons have mass!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.


The Chairman of the Board, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO known as a hatchet man. The new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, and make a real impression on his first day. The Chairman takes him on a tour of the facilities, and the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business. The CEO walks up the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $500 a week. Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $500 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now get out and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?” Finally one of the workers raises his hand. “Yeah?” the CEO demands. “Pizza delivery man, sir.”


It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer’s Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can’t be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, “Because the law states that I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney.”


A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man, “That’s my ball!”


Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots’ hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various “hell rooms.”

“I’ll be right back–don’t go away,” said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain’s every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

“Okay, Mac,” said the devil, “Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?”

“Um, I want door number 3,” answered Mac.

“Sorry,” said the devil. “You can’t have door number 3.
That’s flight attendants’ hell.”


An invisible man married an invisible woman.. and their kids weren’t much too look at either…

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 39

Energise with achievements.

As the year draws to a close, make time to reflect on all you’ve achieved this year personally and as a family. Make a list to share, discuss and celebrate.


On a queue in a bookshop yesterday, Patricia decided to have a bit of a grumble with the women next to her. It was about men not understanding the work involved in Christmas. All the women agreed and one of them said “The trouble with Christmas is that it only comes once a year, so you don’t have time to train them up.”


Arthur is 90 years old.

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it”, he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad… once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try”.

“That’s no good” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help”.

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect”.

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law.”Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!”

“Where did it go?” says Arthur.

“I can’t remember”.


“Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to bend.” —Walter Savage Landor


A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”

The foreman replied, “Insanity.”

The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, “What are you doing with those?”

He looked her in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”


Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Student: “A teacher.”


Thought you might appreciate this little woopsie from an email report-back on a recent volcanic conference held in Japan:

  1. Disaster preparedness, well in advance of an emergency situation, was cited as a key point. This is an important addition to creating thrusting relationships among scientists, officials, residents and mass media.

The latest investment news indicates that we’re in for a bumpy ride, now that problems in the sub-prime lending market in America have now spread uncertainty into the Japanese economy.

The trend over the last month adds weight to rumors that the Origami Bank is likely to fold, the Sumo Bank could go belly up, while Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

The Karaoke Bank is ripe for a takeover, with analysts predicting that it will go for a song, while overnight reports reveal that trading in Kamikaze Bank has been suspended after shares nose-dived.

Five hundred senior Karate Bank executives have got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, with shareholders likely to get a raw deal.

But in all this concern it’s worth knowing that people who say they don’t care about money will usually be careless with the truth about other things as well.


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back.”

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”


“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.” — Sir Francis Bacon


The tale about the old couple where the lady left her glasses behind at a restaurant reminded me of Denise & I when we go for a drive. On the odd occasion she has left her glasses at home but we must go back and get them as “she needs to wear them for me to drive properly”.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said,”You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s pa n ties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize??

The man replied, “These are Carols.”


Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.


Elderly Husband: Whatever happened to our sexual relations?
Elderly Wife: I don’t know. I don’t think we got a card from them this year.


“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” —Ira Gassen


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ‘Why?’ my daughter asked.’

Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs’ I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’ I was thinking quickly. ‘All mums know this stuff. It’s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mummy.’

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘OH… I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy.’ ‘Exactly,’ I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Christmas Drinking Guide

Got this email today and thought it was very good.
I know someone who could use a guide like this when they go out into town in Rotorua.

Hope you all have a great Christmas festive season and a prosperous new year. Don’t drink and drive and enjoy what fine weather we may have.

SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION

Feet cold and wet.

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.

Improper bladder control.

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Drink unusually pale and tasteless.

Glass empty.

Get someone to buy you another drink.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights..

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself lashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.

You have fallen forward.

See above.

Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Get someone to buy you another drink.

Floor moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.

Bar has closed.

Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

You are dancing on the table.

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Drink is crystal-clear.

It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

You have been in a fight.

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.

You’ve wandered into the wrong party.

See if they have free alcohol.

Your singing sounds distorted.

The drink is too weak.

Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

Don’t remember the words to the song.

Drink is just right.

Play air guitar

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, “Have I made a prophet?”


A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 100 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denominations?”

The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 28 Catholic, 22 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, 22 Baptists and 18 Atheists.”


Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.


The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.

“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?”

The counselor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line.”


Vegetarian – Indian word for bad hunter


The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. ‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered. ‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’


“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist


A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer.”


After his exam the doctor said to David, ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’

‘In fact, I do,’ said David’ After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.’

After examining his elderly wife Roberta, the doctor said, ‘Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’ Roberta replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having s e x with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?’

‘Oh that crazy old codger ,’ she replied. ‘That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second time is in July.


“I don’t mind coming to work,

But that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch.”


A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up. She replied, “You mean imagine that it’s good?”


“I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'” –Kathleen Madigan


A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instruct- ions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. “Any time,” the doctor replied. “Why do you ask?”

“It says here in your instructions, ‘no relations until after your post-op checkup.’


Wife to Norm: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Norm to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to Norm: “What? At 2 am?!”
Norm to wife: “Yes. We used night clubs.”


Q. What’s the main difference between a woman and a dog?
A. The later you are, the more excited the dog is to see you


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids”.


A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, “Good God give me some food!”

As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.


The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”


A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 37

Reduce stress at Christmas by reducing your expectations. This can apply to the behaviour of family members, gifts you give and receive, food preparation and expressions of gratitude.


A Christmas Story from James

The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son.

The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he
came running outside and shouted: ‘I have seen him, the son of our lord!’

The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: ‘I have seen the babe, our savior is born!’

The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: ‘BOOOM’, he hit his head on a rafter and shouted ‘JESUS CHRIST!’.

Mary looked up and said, ‘Hey, … that sounds a lot better than Claude.’


My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceededto tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her, “If
you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it
under my arms.”

The pharmacist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”

The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says: “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”


Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other, “Can you smell gas?”

“Gas? No, I can’t even smell my name!”


“Of course a platonic relationship is possible, but only between husband and wife.” – Unknown.


I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What…? Say that again..?” I’m cured?”


English Is A Crazy Language

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that…. quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Humans?

If critically injured means badly injured, does critically acclaimed mean badly acclaimed?


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 20 kgs.

Q. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


A Farmer goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows!”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”


Senior Moments 80 year old woman says to her hubby “Oh Gawd I’m convinced I’m losing my mind” He replies “Im not surprised you’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for over 20 years.

Mid-life is when you go to the Dr and you realise you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you’re getting old when you feel bad in the morning without having any fun the night before

Laugh a little every day, it’s better than chicken soup. At least that’s what the chickens say