Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?, asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That’s easy," said Tom. "You just say ‘Of course I will’".
"Yeah", said Eric, "That’s what I did, except I said, ‘Of course I DO….’"
A little girl’s Christmas wish:
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer,
A couple of days ago my wife and I, our oldest daughter and her nine year old were driving back home from our youngest daughter’s wedding. It had been a great day and we were discussing the event.
Our youngest is a very short and petite lady who has trouble (!) finding clothes small and slim enough for her. But she managed to get a suitable and beautiful wedding dress without having one specially made.
Conversation in the car went as follows Older Daughter – didn’t she look lovely in her dress? My wife – yes, and it cost less than $1000 too Nine year Old grand son – A thousand dollars!!!!! and she will only wear it once !!!! Me – Well he’s growing up to be a proper bloke!
Not sure that my response was really appreciated by the ladies.
The quotes from youngsters in church, reminds me that for years I thought in the Lord’s Prayer that the line "forgive us all evil." was "forgive us all eagle." I just couldn’t understand 1.) Why it was all eagle and not all eagles and 2.) Why the God should forgive us for eagles!
Well, at least I knew something about grammar!
Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…. You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes."
An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat."
In the fun world of the administration of NZ Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example: On a bitterly cold winter’s day several weeks ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What’s the matter?" asked the constable. "Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out." "Can’t." "OK, watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded …."
Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS
A. A crazy bitch that can find you.
An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.
First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.
He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"
The sailor says, "Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."
So the maid takes his peter and lays it out on a marble bench. She then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his peter causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well….?"
She proudly replies:
"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God".
Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars…"
Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you…."
Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine YES OR NO?"
Abe says, "OK, OK. I’ll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Sam answers, "Eleven years!"