The Fabulous Friday Funnies

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.

He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?” There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.” Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What’s this?" she asked.

"It’s a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It’s for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we’ll use it next Christmas Eve."

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win lottery’ ‘What’s dat’, says his mate.

‘Send me lawn away to be cut’

"Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography." -Robert Byrne Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That’s so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.

"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."

An Arab Sheikh’s son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I’m a bit ashamed to arrive to school in my gold Mercedes when all my friends arrive by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a million dollar cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us any more, go and get yourself a train too"

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself." –Johnny Carson

Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a dusty closet. After several weeks of boredom one turned to the other and asked, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?"

"Got me," admitted his companion. "If we had any guts we’d bust out of here."

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’

When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern. Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died.

The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed, "Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd."

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’
she replied, ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’

A bloke is wandering through the desert. Deprived of water for many days on end, he is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he stumbles across three market stalls set up in the middle of the sandy dunes.

He crawls up to the first stall. "Water, water! Please give me water!" He begs.

"I’m sorry," says the first stallholder, "I sell nothing but jelly and custard."

The bloke crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water!
Give me water!" He cries.

"I’m sorry," says the second stallholder, "I sell nothing but cream and sponge."

The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water!
Please, please! Give me water!" He yells.

"I’m so sorry," says the third stallholder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."

"I can’t believe none of you has any water," gasps the bloke.

"I know," says the third stallholder, "it is a trifle bazaar."

As we were preparing for communion I explained to my son the symbolism of the bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. In the Uniting Church the wine is served in individual thimble sized glasses brought around on a tray.

Having returned to our seats after our communion my son noticed someone walking from the church kitchen with another tray of wine prepared for those still waiting for communion. At the top of his voice he says: "Gee they must have a lot of blood out in the kitchen!"

Various sayings over the years.

  • Nobody yet as ever started a serious fight while he was laughing.
  • The door to happiness opens outwards.
  • The first duty of love is to listen.
  • Every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
  • Make peace with ourselves.
  • A man is never so tall as when he stoops to help a child.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again..

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old…

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful rats should remember….fairies are female..

"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." – George Clemenceau,

Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?
A: Marlboro since, every nite, you have to take him out for a drag!

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up and tree and act like a nut!

Q: What’s the difference between the Sun & a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East & the other from yeast!

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?, asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That’s easy," said Tom. "You just say ‘Of course I will’".

"Yeah", said Eric, "That’s what I did, except I said, ‘Of course I DO….’"

A little girl’s Christmas wish:

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer,


A couple of days ago my wife and I, our oldest daughter and her nine year old were driving back home from our youngest daughter’s wedding. It had been a great day and we were discussing the event.

Our youngest is a very short and petite lady who has trouble (!) finding clothes small and slim enough for her. But she managed to get a suitable and beautiful wedding dress without having one specially made.

Conversation in the car went as follows Older Daughter – didn’t she look lovely in her dress? My wife – yes, and it cost less than $1000 too Nine year Old grand son – A thousand dollars!!!!! and she will only wear it once !!!! Me – Well he’s growing up to be a proper bloke!

Not sure that my response was really appreciated by the ladies.

The quotes from youngsters in church, reminds me that for years I thought in the Lord’s Prayer that the line "forgive us all evil." was "forgive us all eagle." I just couldn’t understand 1.) Why it was all eagle and not all eagles and 2.) Why the God should forgive us for eagles!

Well, at least I knew something about grammar!

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…. You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes."

An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat."

In the fun world of the administration of NZ Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example: On a bitterly cold winter’s day several weeks ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What’s the matter?" asked the constable. "Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out." "Can’t." "OK, watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded …."

Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS
A. A crazy bitch that can find you.

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."

So the maid takes his peter and lays it out on a marble bench. She then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his peter causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well….?"

She proudly replies:

"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God".

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars…"

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you…."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I’ll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘Its golf balls’.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked … ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

"I found the remote"

"My cousin was visiting from Melbourne and we were watching the Big Bathurst motor race that everyone in Australia watches once a year. I was quite proud of my weight loss, as I was much bigger when I last saw my cousin.

I was standing there, feeling quite good about myself and she asked me a question, with me thinking she asked ‘Are you holding Fluid?.’ I pulled my tummy in and stood up straight, thinking she was saying I was quite fat, holding fluid and all.

I stumbled and babbled a little over what to answer and she asked me again, as we watched the race ‘Are you Holden or Ford?’

No, I am not deaf!! But over the noise of those racing V8 Holden’s and Ford’s, that is what is sounded like. Then I breathed and let my tummy out just a little!!"

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.

"Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line."

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for s*x?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.

He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You’re on my side."

Kids in church

  • 3-year-old Reese : ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.’
  • A little boy was overheard praying: ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.’
  • One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
  • A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because people are sleeping.’

Tommy Cooper…. Part 1

  • This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  • I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
  • I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
    The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
  • I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’ I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
  • My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
  • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
  • I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
  • The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says:

SEX FROGS FOR SALE . . . . Only $20 each and comes with ‘complete’ instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter,’I’ll take one!’

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her flat, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what she reads :-

  1. Take a shower.
  2. Splash on some nice perfume.
  3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She does it all and quickly gets into bed with the frog . .
. …but she waits and to her surprise… nothing happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She reads the instructions again and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store immediately.’

So, she calls the pet store and the man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions but the damn frog just sits there!’

The man … looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and sternly says:

‘LISTEN TO ME… I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

“For sale,” read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, “sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake.”

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood.”How convenient,” she said. “I can walk to it!”

Prior to his biopsy, a patient confessed to a fellow nurse just how nervous he was. “Don’t worry,” the nurse assured him. “You’re just having a little autopsy.” — Anne Santoro

Dr. Smith asks his patient, “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”

The patient replies, “Give me the good news.”

Dr. Smith says, “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”

Love the funnies! Here’s one in response to Mathew and Benjamin Franklin:

There are 10 kinds of people – those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

To add to Frances’ joke about ample amounts of food. My father used to say “I have had an elegant sufficiency and any more would be an overindulgence of an already exasperated appetite”

My grandfather had a similar saying: “I have had elequent sufficiency”. As kids we used to think he said “I have had ‘elephant’ sufficiency” & always thought he’d had way too much as he was rather portly.

Here’s a true story, if you’re interested: My husband and I were sitting in a crowded hospital waiting room the other day. We could hear a cleaner vacuuming in a nearby room. Our 3yo son loudly anounced that he could hear the vacuum and then asked, “He has to be quick because someone’s coming?”. It certainly lightened the atmosphere in the room.

“In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study.” –Dave Barry

Two from Clarrie A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

‘You ok?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know.’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’he says. ‘ ‘Why?’ says the blonde. The boy says: ‘Because, I’m the f^?*ing goalie’

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around n@ked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It’ll keep you from streaking.

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

We have twin girls who are now 12, but when they were about three, one was trying to tell a story and started with “One ponce a time”, which I hope she remembers when she starts going out with boys !

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘ Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out ” YUV GOTTA BE DEAD……….”

Having just read the funnies (I love them) reminded me of my son, Colin, last week telling me about this incident with his 3 year old son, Lucas.

His wife had just had a small tantrum and Colin said to Lucas, “Don’t worry son, your mother has anger issues”.

Few minutes later Lucas goes to mum and says, “Mum, why do you have angry shoes ‘.

When Colin was about 3 himself, we used to go to the “4 square store” (country town) for shopping and we had been teaching Colin manners.

The shop owner always gave little kids a chocolate frog for being good in the shop. My wife says, “What do you say?”, obviously expecting, “Thank You”.

Colin looked puzzled for a bit then said, “Gribbit, Gribbit”.

They are precious, aren’t they.

A cowboy enters a German car showroom and says “‘owdy”.

Also the funniest joke ever: Two women were sitting on a park bench, quietly!

My daughter recently spent her Kevin Rudd ‘Stimulus Package’ money on a trip to Queensland. After the plane had landed, the air hostess made an announcement. “Please give the pilots a huge clap for an excellent landing!” she encouraged. “Not bad for a couple of work experience boys!”

I have a funny for you from one of my 92 year old friends. If a fire hydrant has H2O inside, what does it have outside? Answer…K9P

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, “Put down ‘yes.'”