The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you." -Jay Leno


Traveling is a major part of my wife’s job as a saleswoman, and it’s not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week.

I hadn’t thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It’s so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them..’


On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’


I returned from my normal round of golf late last Sunday and my wife asked me why I had been so long. "All was fine "I said "until at the 11th hole, Fred had a cardiac arrest and died on the spot." "That’s terrible" my wife said.
"No kidding. For the rest of the round it was a case of hit a shot, drag Fred, hit a shot, drag Fred".


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then said, "You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks … "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said … "Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I’m Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles..


"Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing petrol from parked cars. Victims said they hadn’t felt that robbed since they put the petrol INTO their car." -Jimmy Fallon


A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quiet rest.

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.

So my sister’s friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can’t believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!"


Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room, waits for some news.

A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and bad news. The good news – he’ll make a full recovery. The bad news – he’ll be a vegetable for life."


Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.

One woman complained that she remained an ‘apple-shape’ and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.

Her buddy agreed, saying, "It’s true. The lard works in mysterious ways."


A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience.

Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"


After a busy day commuters settled down on their train train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:- "Hi darling it’s Peter, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting – no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart" etc.
This was still going on after many minutes , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"


Q. What do you call a Greek parachutist?
A. Con Descending.

Q: Why did the leper baseball pitcher retire?
A: He threw his arm out.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roaming Catholic.

Q: Why didn’t Superman know he could fly?
A: Because he didn’t know his "Cape Abilities"

Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide in a bush and make a noise like a Carrot.

Q: What is hairy and coughs?
A: A coconut with a cold.

Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because it was too heavy to carry.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large piece of red machinery.

Mick says "What the hell are you doing Paddy?"

Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on lately and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor." Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

True story

I recently taught my grade 6 class a unit on government. In a follow-up test, I asked the question: "What does democracy mean?"

One very intelligent girl responded: "The freedom to elect your own dictators."

… made even funnier by the fact that she was from the Philippines.


Heard today on the ABC Radio – Brisbane about Astrology, a caller said ‘I don’t believe in Astrology, it’s probably because I’m a Gemini and we’re very sceptical!’


My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.


Two old ladies are sitting in the cinema. One says: ‘Ouch, my leg is going to sleep’.

The other says: ‘Yeh, I know, I heard it snore’.


Two true stories

When we were first looking at the house we live in now we had our grandson, Ryan, with us. He was about 4 and the house we were looking at was just up the road from where he lives. As we were looking around inside and outside at the property, as you do, we had this wee lad tagging along behind saying "Gee this is a nice house, and it’s on sale too." Take a hint, huh?

Not long after we bought it Ryan and I were out in the garden where there is rather narrow walkway between the back of the house and a raised garden. I was musing really but said out loud "I’m sure we can make this path wider."
Having thought on the matter Ryan pipes up and says "But how are you going to move the house?"


Amazing facts

  • “Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
  • And ‘lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand.
  • TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.
  • ‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.
  • There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’

What do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?

I don’t know, what do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?

Fellipe Feloppe


Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv) , has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.


An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand.


"Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the conversation as ‘awkward.’" -Conan O’Brien

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I was reading my class a story titled ‘The Magic School Bus.’ In the story, the bus turns into a spaceship and the teacher takes the class on a tour of the planets. At one point, a tail light gets smashed and the teacher goes out in a spacesuit to fix it. Suddenly, the line that ties her to the rocket breaks and she floats off into space, leaving the children alone.

I asked my class of six-year-olds how they would feel and what they might do if they were on the bus. "I’d scream like a woman!" the first little fellow declared.


My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the Car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don’t Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."


My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, "Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home."


Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.


Not so far from the truth from Julie(see last week)

Many years ago as a boy we visited my mother’s parents in Richmond, Victoria and got there just as they were finishing lunch.

The ‘Old Boy’ was looking distinctly down-in-the-mouth as he wiped his face with a napkin and Mum asked him what he was grouchy about.

"What do you think I’m annoyed at?" he said: I got sausages and bread for my lunch and the damn dog got half a roast chook your mother cooked for her!"


Fun with words

  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." –Stephen Leacock


"Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens." –Nick Diamos


"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." –Samuel Butler


My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."

"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it."


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."