The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.

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I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep h er cool.. "That’s interesting,"
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."

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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Shell Petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

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My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

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"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.

My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’

‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.’" –Rita Rudner

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True story

A few days after visiting a pet store, my son (6 yrs) said to his mother. "I would really love to get one of those Siberian husky dogs mummy". To try and put him off the idea, his mother said "We already have two dogs and Siberian huskies need walking twice a day". My son’s reply "Gee, that will keep you busy mummy".

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A real corny one from a nine year old

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. He wanted to reach the bottom!

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This is bad, but reading some of the puns in this week’s edition has encouraged me to send this …

Did you hear about the concreter who gave up his job because he found the work too hard?

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True story

I had to go with my 62 yr old mum to Prince Charles Hospital emergency department here in Brisbane– she had a minor set of symptoms but the ambos said she should go in for a check.

Mum was a bit disoriented, and this loosened up her sense of humor. While waiting in a cubicle for nearly two hours for a doctor to see her, we were watching the passing parade, which happened to include a very nice looking young male doctor. He was probably a few years older than Doogie Howser. I made several comments like “ He’s a cute looking young doctor” and “have a look when he comes by again” when my silver-haired, usually conservative, mother leans forward and says : ”tell him if he comes over here he can look at acute angina”.

Needless to say, I couldn’t breathe properly for nearly ten minutes due to the hysterical laughter this comment caused.
My mother was no better – convulsed on the examination table with tears of laughter rolling down her face. At one point I had to grab a tissue from my handbag and pretend that I was crying and coughing as I thought the duty nurses were going to come in to see what the hell was going on.

I thought I was going to need to see the doctor.

My sister gets to take her next time.

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The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the V*rgin Mary"

Tiger: "You’re a day late."

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"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O’Brien

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"Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage." -Jay Leno

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

True story

I recently taught my grade 6 class a unit on government. In a follow-up test, I asked the question: "What does democracy mean?"

One very intelligent girl responded: "The freedom to elect your own dictators."

… made even funnier by the fact that she was from the Philippines.

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Heard today on the ABC Radio – Brisbane about Astrology, a caller said ‘I don’t believe in Astrology, it’s probably because I’m a Gemini and we’re very sceptical!’

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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

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Two old ladies are sitting in the cinema. One says: ‘Ouch, my leg is going to sleep’.

The other says: ‘Yeh, I know, I heard it snore’.

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Two true stories

When we were first looking at the house we live in now we had our grandson, Ryan, with us. He was about 4 and the house we were looking at was just up the road from where he lives. As we were looking around inside and outside at the property, as you do, we had this wee lad tagging along behind saying "Gee this is a nice house, and it’s on sale too." Take a hint, huh?

Not long after we bought it Ryan and I were out in the garden where there is rather narrow walkway between the back of the house and a raised garden. I was musing really but said out loud "I’m sure we can make this path wider."
Having thought on the matter Ryan pipes up and says "But how are you going to move the house?"

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Amazing facts

• “Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
• And ‘lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.
• ‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’

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What do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?

I don’t know, what do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?

Fellipe Feloppe

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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv) , has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand.

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"Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the conversation as ‘awkward.’" -Conan O’Brien

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

10 reasons we know Santa is a man

1. No dress sense.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. The chances of getting for are nil.
4. Beer belly.
5. Will only commit one day a year.
6. Obsessed with stockings.
7. Never stops to ask for directions.
8. Too lazy to shave.
9. He always wears the same clothes.
10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and booze out for him… and he doesn’t wash the plate up after him.

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One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.

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True story

At a recent family function, my uncle sat down to join the group in the lounge room. With all the chairs taken and people already sitting on the floor, my uncle sat against the TV cabinet. As he leant on it, he said "Ow, there’s a knob digging into my back", referring to the door knob on the cabinet. I replied with, "Now you know why women don’t considered that as fore play."

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Out of office auto-responses

"I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood."

"You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all."

"Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."

"I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."

"Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."

"I’ve run away to join a different circus."

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One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.

Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here."

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"There’s a new product called ‘Texthook’ that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, ‘OMG, just crashed my baby into another baby!’" -Jimmy Fallon

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My aunt’s young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had attended church one spring morning.

As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"

Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don’t got tails; we’ve got Dinkys!"

My aunt was mortified.

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An oldie but a goodie

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I’m fishing."

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As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

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"Over the weekend Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under the influence. She’s still a celebrity and you can tell she’s spoiled. For example in the holding room she got one call and she called room service." –Jay Leno

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Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.

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"Mommy, Mommy!" said a little boy after coming from playing. "I just saw a man making a horse!"

"Are you sure?" asked his mother.

"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." = 16.

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A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

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The last word on Tiger

"Sources say Tiger has confessed all of his affairs to his wife who has agreed to stay with him if he takes some time off from golf. Tiger said, ‘That’s OK — golf was starting to cut into my time with the ladies.’" -Conan O’Brien

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the promotion of “Talk like a Pirate Day” last week, I am grateful to Nathan who sent me a graph to demonstrate that there is clear correlation between global warming and the decline of pirates!.. Let me know if you would like a copy.

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About Generation Y

on the TODAY SHOW…" let’s face it they’re the generation that got a medal for coming seventh in the egg & spoon race"

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"Today, the MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual ‘Genius’ awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." -Conan O’Brien

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Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.

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My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house.
Worried, too, that he was missing so much school, I went into his room to see how he felt.

There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game—while the tape recorder coughed on and on.
The next morning he was in school. James S Woods

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Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

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There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."

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"Today is Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day. ADD organizations say if you think you might have the condition, check out their Web site, then click on one of the ads, then Google the lyrics to a song that’s bugging you, then check Facebook." -Conan O’Brien

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Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to
counseling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice
urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

 

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

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My husband bought a bicycle on e-bay, so we went to the park for him to try it out. As he rode along, he kept looking backwards. I asked if anything was wrong with the bike. "I was just wondering if my behind looks big on this," he called over. He looked surprised when I started to cry with laughter!

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True story

Our State has a campaign to educate people and reduce the amount of illicit drug use affecting so many young kids.

On a recent drive up to the mountains for a snow skiing weekend, my 7 year old daughter Izsabella, somewhat confused reads out aloud one of our State’s roadside warning signs, "Speed and Ice will kill you".

To which my youngest son Brannon responds with some authority, "That’s so true!" My wife and I question in our heads what would a 6 year old know of illicit drugs, so turn to ask him to explain.

Without faltering he responds "because if you go too fast, you’ll fall over, get cold and turn into an iceberg."

I’m so glad my kids are not the target audience for these signs.

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Told by Vicar ( female) at my sons wedding.

On the morning of a wedding the mother of the bride noticed that her daughter was very nervous. It’s alright Dear she said, all brides feel this way on their big day. Now the trick is that before you walk down the aisle take a deep breath and remember three things . First, remember the aisle that you are about to walk up to the man you love.
Just keep saying to yourself the word aisle as you walk up the aisle. Then as you see the alter just keep saying to yourself the word alter.

And finally as you come closer to your handsome husband to be think of their wondrous hymn you have both chosen and just think of the that hymn. This will keep your mind off the nerves and you will be just fine.

The bride duly arrived and as the congregation stood the bride with her father arm in arm commenced the bridal walk up the aisle. As she walked slowly up the aisle passed the congregation a faint chuckle followed as the congregation overheard the bride saying in quiet deterined tones I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him.

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Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A. A crazy b*tch who will find you

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ‘service’.

• Internal Revenue ‘Service’
• Postal ‘Service’
• Telephone ‘Service’
• Cable ‘Service’
• Civil ‘Service’
• Customer ‘Service’
• State, City & County Public ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those ‘service’ agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

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When I was based in Japan in 1953, a couple of my mates and I were showing a new arrival around Iwakuni. He was an RAAF signaller who was a Japanese linguist. One of the US Navy wives from the base was walking toward us. She was very attractive and was what we called in those days, “a sweater girl”. ie. she was “stacked. She was wearing a tight white sleeveless sweater with two Japanese characters on the left front. After we had passed her, the signaller burst out laughing. He said the writing on her sweater, in colloquial Japanese, spelled “Left Tit”. I wonder if anyone ever told her.

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Real story

It was my birthday and a little girl in my class brought in a present for me. “So did you pick this lovely gift or did Mummy?” I asked her. “Nobody,” she replied proudly. “Mummy said it was just some old thing lying around the house that she was given for Christmas and that I could give it to you!”

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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started….

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln’s cry. “Kemosabe… Apache to East!” he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. “What do we do?”

Tonto pondered a moment. “We ride West!”

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. “Kemosabe… Apache to West!”

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. “What should we do?”

Tonto scratched his head in thought. “We ride North!”

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. “Kemosabe… Apache to North!”

“What do we do now?” his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, “We ride South!”

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. “Kemosabe… Apache to South!”

Worried, the Lone One asked him, “NOW what do we do?”

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. “What do you mean “WE”, White Man?”

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Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him. For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said. “That’s odd,” the neighbor replied, “so does mine.”

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I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to An upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle Of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children Became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, “Mom usually Drinks a lot more than that!”

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A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk tech- nician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

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Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. “Nice belt!”

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“And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do.” –Jay Leno

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“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” -Sam Levenson

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“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg

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“Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?” -Conan O’Brien

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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.”Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.” One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’”

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A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force – The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?”

“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”