Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s a good idea to get engaged on Valentines Day. The other 60 percent were men." -Conan O’Brien

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.

After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We’ll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath.’"

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, …Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

That was a lovely story and I have one of my own that might make you smile too. Our 6year old grandson has just finished prep and although he can spell a lot of words correctly he often gets the right letters but in the wrong order. Consequently his Christmas wish list began, "Dear Satan,…"
One for his 21st don’t you think?

Harry is at his local discussing nicknames with his mates—George has started calling his wife "Harvey Norman" he says..

Why is that??? "No interest for 18 months"

(Harvey Norman is a huge retail store)

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"

The redneck with he sack answered, "I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right."

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug that thing in."

A backwoodsman was making his first visit to a city hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, "What’s that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don’t know nothing now."

There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stray cat with a crocodile?
A: An alley gator.

Q: Where do cows go on their first date?
A: To the moo-vies.

Q: Why did the talking bird join the air force?
A: He wanted to be a parrot-trooper.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep h er cool.. "That’s interesting,"
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Shell Petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.

My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’

‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.’" –Rita Rudner

True story

A few days after visiting a pet store, my son (6 yrs) said to his mother. "I would really love to get one of those Siberian husky dogs mummy". To try and put him off the idea, his mother said "We already have two dogs and Siberian huskies need walking twice a day". My son’s reply "Gee, that will keep you busy mummy".

A real corny one from a nine year old

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. He wanted to reach the bottom!

This is bad, but reading some of the puns in this week’s edition has encouraged me to send this …

Did you hear about the concreter who gave up his job because he found the work too hard?

True story

I had to go with my 62 yr old mum to Prince Charles Hospital emergency department here in Brisbane– she had a minor set of symptoms but the ambos said she should go in for a check.

Mum was a bit disoriented, and this loosened up her sense of humor. While waiting in a cubicle for nearly two hours for a doctor to see her, we were watching the passing parade, which happened to include a very nice looking young male doctor. He was probably a few years older than Doogie Howser. I made several comments like “ He’s a cute looking young doctor” and “have a look when he comes by again” when my silver-haired, usually conservative, mother leans forward and says : ”tell him if he comes over here he can look at acute angina”.

Needless to say, I couldn’t breathe properly for nearly ten minutes due to the hysterical laughter this comment caused.
My mother was no better – convulsed on the examination table with tears of laughter rolling down her face. At one point I had to grab a tissue from my handbag and pretend that I was crying and coughing as I thought the duty nurses were going to come in to see what the hell was going on.

I thought I was going to need to see the doctor.

My sister gets to take her next time.

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the V*rgin Mary"

Tiger: "You’re a day late."

"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage." -Jay Leno

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

True story

I recently taught my grade 6 class a unit on government. In a follow-up test, I asked the question: "What does democracy mean?"

One very intelligent girl responded: "The freedom to elect your own dictators."

… made even funnier by the fact that she was from the Philippines.

Heard today on the ABC Radio – Brisbane about Astrology, a caller said ‘I don’t believe in Astrology, it’s probably because I’m a Gemini and we’re very sceptical!’

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

Two old ladies are sitting in the cinema. One says: ‘Ouch, my leg is going to sleep’.

The other says: ‘Yeh, I know, I heard it snore’.

Two true stories

When we were first looking at the house we live in now we had our grandson, Ryan, with us. He was about 4 and the house we were looking at was just up the road from where he lives. As we were looking around inside and outside at the property, as you do, we had this wee lad tagging along behind saying "Gee this is a nice house, and it’s on sale too." Take a hint, huh?

Not long after we bought it Ryan and I were out in the garden where there is rather narrow walkway between the back of the house and a raised garden. I was musing really but said out loud "I’m sure we can make this path wider."
Having thought on the matter Ryan pipes up and says "But how are you going to move the house?"

Amazing facts

  • “Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
  • And ‘lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand.
  • TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.
  • ‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.
  • There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’

What do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?

I don’t know, what do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?

Fellipe Feloppe

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv) , has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand.

"Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the conversation as ‘awkward.’" -Conan O’Brien

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

10 reasons we know Santa is a man

  1. No dress sense.
  2. Never replies to your letters.
  3. The chances of getting for are nil.
  4. Beer belly.
  5. Will only commit one day a year.
  6. Obsessed with stockings.
  7. Never stops to ask for directions.
  8. Too lazy to shave.
  9. He always wears the same clothes.
  10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and booze out for him… and he doesn’t wash the plate up after him.

One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.

True story

At a recent family function, my uncle sat down to join the group in the lounge room. With all the chairs taken and people already sitting on the floor, my uncle sat against the TV cabinet. As he leant on it, he said "Ow, there’s a knob digging into my back", referring to the door knob on the cabinet. I replied with, "Now you know why women don’t considered that as fore play."

Out of office auto-responses

"I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood."

"You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all."

"Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."

"I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."

"Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."

"I’ve run away to join a different circus."

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.

Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here."

"There’s a new product called ‘Texthook’ that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, ‘OMG, just crashed my baby into another baby!’" -Jimmy Fallon

My aunt’s young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had attended church one spring morning.

As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"

Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don’t got tails; we’ve got Dinkys!"

My aunt was mortified.

An oldie but a goodie

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I’m fishing."

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

"Over the weekend Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under the influence. She’s still a celebrity and you can tell she’s spoiled. For example in the holding room she got one call and she called room service." –Jay Leno

Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.

"Mommy, Mommy!" said a little boy after coming from playing. "I just saw a man making a horse!"

"Are you sure?" asked his mother.

"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." = 16.

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

The last word on Tiger

"Sources say Tiger has confessed all of his affairs to his wife who has agreed to stay with him if he takes some time off from golf. Tiger said, ‘That’s OK — golf was starting to cut into my time with the ladies.’" -Conan O’Brien

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the promotion of “Talk like a Pirate Day” last week, I am grateful to Nathan who sent me a graph to demonstrate that there is clear correlation between global warming and the decline of pirates!.. Let me know if you would like a copy.

About Generation Y

on the TODAY SHOW…" let’s face it they’re the generation that got a medal for coming seventh in the egg & spoon race"

"Today, the MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual ‘Genius’ awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." -Conan O’Brien

Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.

My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house.
Worried, too, that he was missing so much school, I went into his room to see how he felt.

There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game—while the tape recorder coughed on and on.
The next morning he was in school. James S Woods

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."

"Today is Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day. ADD organizations say if you think you might have the condition, check out their Web site, then click on one of the ads, then Google the lyrics to a song that’s bugging you, then check Facebook." -Conan O’Brien

Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to
counseling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice
urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,


My husband bought a bicycle on e-bay, so we went to the park for him to try it out. As he rode along, he kept looking backwards. I asked if anything was wrong with the bike. "I was just wondering if my behind looks big on this," he called over. He looked surprised when I started to cry with laughter!

True story

Our State has a campaign to educate people and reduce the amount of illicit drug use affecting so many young kids.

On a recent drive up to the mountains for a snow skiing weekend, my 7 year old daughter Izsabella, somewhat confused reads out aloud one of our State’s roadside warning signs, "Speed and Ice will kill you".

To which my youngest son Brannon responds with some authority, "That’s so true!" My wife and I question in our heads what would a 6 year old know of illicit drugs, so turn to ask him to explain.

Without faltering he responds "because if you go too fast, you’ll fall over, get cold and turn into an iceberg."

I’m so glad my kids are not the target audience for these signs.

Told by Vicar ( female) at my sons wedding.

On the morning of a wedding the mother of the bride noticed that her daughter was very nervous. It’s alright Dear she said, all brides feel this way on their big day. Now the trick is that before you walk down the aisle take a deep breath and remember three things . First, remember the aisle that you are about to walk up to the man you love.
Just keep saying to yourself the word aisle as you walk up the aisle. Then as you see the alter just keep saying to yourself the word alter.

And finally as you come closer to your handsome husband to be think of their wondrous hymn you have both chosen and just think of the that hymn. This will keep your mind off the nerves and you will be just fine.

The bride duly arrived and as the congregation stood the bride with her father arm in arm commenced the bridal walk up the aisle. As she walked slowly up the aisle passed the congregation a faint chuckle followed as the congregation overheard the bride saying in quiet deterined tones I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him.

Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A. A crazy b*tch who will find you

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ‘service’.

  • Internal Revenue ‘Service’
  • Postal ‘Service’
  • Telephone ‘Service’
  • Cable ‘Service’
  • Civil ‘Service’
  • Customer ‘Service’
  • State, City & County Public ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those ‘service’ agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

When I was based in Japan in 1953, a couple of my mates and I were showing a new arrival around Iwakuni. He was an RAAF signaller who was a Japanese linguist. One of the US Navy wives from the base was walking toward us. She was very attractive and was what we called in those days, “a sweater girl”. ie. she was “stacked. She was wearing a tight white sleeveless sweater with two Japanese characters on the left front. After we had passed her, the signaller burst out laughing. He said the writing on her sweater, in colloquial Japanese, spelled “Left Tit”. I wonder if anyone ever told her.

Real story

It was my birthday and a little girl in my class brought in a present for me. “So did you pick this lovely gift or did Mummy?” I asked her. “Nobody,” she replied proudly. “Mummy said it was just some old thing lying around the house that she was given for Christmas and that I could give it to you!”

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started….

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln’s cry. “Kemosabe… Apache to East!” he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. “What do we do?”

Tonto pondered a moment. “We ride West!”

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. “Kemosabe… Apache to West!”

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. “What should we do?”

Tonto scratched his head in thought. “We ride North!”

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. “Kemosabe… Apache to North!”

“What do we do now?” his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, “We ride South!”

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. “Kemosabe… Apache to South!”

Worried, the Lone One asked him, “NOW what do we do?”

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. “What do you mean “WE”, White Man?”

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him. For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said. “That’s odd,” the neighbor replied, “so does mine.”

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to An upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle Of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children Became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, “Mom usually Drinks a lot more than that!”

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk tech- nician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. “Nice belt!”

“And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do.” –Jay Leno

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” -Sam Levenson

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg

“Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?” -Conan O’Brien

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.”Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.” One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'”

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force – The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?”

“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!

  1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.
  2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way.
  3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
    They Take The Psychopath
  4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
  5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
  6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
    A Stick

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’

‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: ‘Gosh, I remember these!’

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO told him, “Wait right here.” He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

Vegetarian – ancient word for poor hunting skills

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course, “slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”

“A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong. I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here: Kids, never share your pot with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.” -Conan O’Brien

“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. “I get two weeks’ paid holiday.”

“I’m so glad,” said my mother.

“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.”

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings.

“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.

“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics!”

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Essex … With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:-

‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!’

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ‘You stay out of this mate! I’m talking to that little rat on your lap!’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."

I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.

I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don’t forget to empty the trash.

Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear." — Cynthia Kainu

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb husband is out fishing in that rubbish?"

I still don’t know if she was joking.

Follow up to last week’s dog vs wife debate…

How do you know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock both of them in the boot of your car. Leave them for an hour. Open the boot and find out which one is happy to see you.

Christmas carol for 2008!!!

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash
I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It’s hitting you once,
It’s hitting you twice
It doesn’t care if you’ve been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It’s worthless if you’ve got shares
It’s worthless if you’ve got bonds
It’s safe when you’ve got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

"Earlier today, President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called ‘So Long Suckers.’" -Conan O’Brien

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

  • Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
  • Bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet
  • Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
  • Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
  • Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
  • Mateshit: all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
  • Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of s e xual activity
  • Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
  • Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
  • Crackie-daks: ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi’s amongst us:

  • Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you’ve got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, it’s no use, it’s yesterday’s!"

One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and wound down its window. "I’ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!" replied the boy. “How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked. “I said no way"
replied the boy

“What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver “No, I’m not getting in the car." answered the boy “Okay, I’ll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered “No!" replied the boy. “What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the f’ing Volvo, you live with it!"

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

Contemporary Latin Phrases:

  • "Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy is here.)
  • "Sharpei diem." (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
  • "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." (Remove foil before microwaving.)
  • "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum." (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
  • "Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)
  • "Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!)
  • "Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.)
  • "No Quid Pro Quo." (I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.)
  • "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity.

I just can’t put it down.

Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’

Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."

So they rowed a little farther…. Again Bubbles asked Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough NOW?

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.

Gasping for breath she said, ‘OK, it’s finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel.

"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in Jolie’s new self-help book, ‘How to Have Babies for Fun and Profit.’" -Conan O’Brien

A man walks into a store to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – do the modelling naked – return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself’.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says ‘Stone me. It wasn’t that creased in the shop’.

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn’t let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t see anything.

I finally decided that I should help.

She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got that handbag.

My daughters date for graduation turned up at the pre dinner drinks and asked a friends Mum if she could please stitch a button onto his jacket for him. He said “I don’t have one of those things at home to do it”, when she suggested he meant a needle he said “No, a Mum.”

The three Dolls in a man’s life are:

1……..His Daughter, ‘Baby doll’

2……..His Girlfriend, ‘Barbie doll’

3……..His Wife, ‘Panadol ‘

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

And then the fight started…..

"The other week I went to see my doctor … I was in the waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of the typewriter." –Arthur Brown

In a brave and decisive move, disregarding the counsel of many of his conservative advisors, President Bush asked Congress to increase the penalty for corporate malfeasance from not going to jail for 10 years to not going to jail for 20 years.

"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife.

"What, hon?" she asks.

"The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one."

"Huh," his wife says, "I bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis next-door."

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I’ll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.

"No, it was her idea."

Fabulous Friday Funnies – Easter Double Up (Part Two)

"You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap." —Dolly Parton

When I was in an antique shop in a Victorian country town recently I saw this sign….

“Any unsupervised children will be given unlimited red cordial and told they can take a cute puppy home.”

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway." -Jay Leno

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis- appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

I heard a funny one on St Patrick’s day

Paddy goes down to the Police Station to do the written test. The Sgt comes in after he’s done & says ‘You didn’t even answer the first question correctly – who’s the Queen of England? Now get out here & don’t come back until you find tat out!’

Paddy goes home to his wife. She asks ‘Did you get the job?’ ‘I think so’ says Paddy, ‘And they’ve put me on a case already!’

"There was one nursing home that each night gave it’s elderly male residents a Viagra Tablet. It was much to help their sex life but mote to stop them rolling out of bed each night."

While I’m on poor Viagra Jokes, my wife took one the other day and she woke up with a stiff neck.

Two country boys were driving a truck and trailer down the highway when they came to an overbridge with a sign saying "Clearance 3.1 metres". They measured their rig to find that it is 3.5 metres high. "I don’t see any cops around," said one, "let’s go for it."

A man complained to his teenage daughter that the modern generation had no modesty. "When I was your age," he said, "girls still knew how to blush." "Good heavens Dad," replied the daughter, "what on earth did you say to them?"

Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.

Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"

Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for. —Unknown

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a se xy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent.’

In tears, she remarked, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?’

"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks." –Conan O’Brien

A guy walks into his Dr’s rooms & pulls down his trousers & shows the Dr his backside. He has a lettuce growing out of it! The Dr says “I see the problem” The guy replies, “Dr that’s only the tip of the iceberg!!!!!”

Just had to share a story from my staff meeting this week. One of the lovely older ladies who works for me had her sister visiting from the UK and together they went to visit our Parliament in Wellington. They had a tour around the building and at the end the guide told them that Parliament was in session if they wished to have a look. So having stowed bags and other belongings they had to walk through a metal detector and the guard asked my lovely staff member to remove her top.

She looked down and decided that the metal rivets on her top were the problem and quickly checked to see what she had on underneath, decided that she would still be decent if she took her top off and as she went to lift her top to take it off her sister leaned over and told her that the guard meant the cardy that was tied around her waist not her top!!!

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What’s that stuff all over those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That’s what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

Six Truths of Life

  1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
  2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
  3. The first truth is a lie.
  4. You’re smiling now cause you are an idiot.
  5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
  6. Theres still a stupid smile on your face.