The Fabulous Friday Funnies

You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
   Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
   Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
   They Take The Psychopath
4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
   Dam!
5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
   Polaroids
6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
   A Stick

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A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’

‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!

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Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: ‘Gosh, I remember these!’

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Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO told him, “Wait right here.” He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

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Vegetarian – ancient word for poor hunting skills

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Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course, “slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”

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“A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong. I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here: Kids, never share your pot with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.” -Conan O’Brien

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“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. “I get two weeks’ paid holiday.”

“I’m so glad,” said my mother.

“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.”

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As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings.

“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.

“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics!”

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Essex … With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:-

‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!’

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ‘You stay out of this mate! I’m talking to that little rat on your lap!’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."

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I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.

I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don’t forget to empty the trash.

Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear." — Cynthia Kainu

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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb husband is out fishing in that rubbish?"

I still don’t know if she was joking.

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Follow up to last week’s dog vs wife debate…

How do you know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock both of them in the boot of your car. Leave them for an hour. Open the boot and find out which one is happy to see you.

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Christmas carol for 2008!!!

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash
I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It’s hitting you once,
It’s hitting you twice
It doesn’t care if you’ve been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It’s worthless if you’ve got shares
It’s worthless if you’ve got bonds
It’s safe when you’ve got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

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"Earlier today, President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called ‘So Long Suckers.’" -Conan O’Brien

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The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

• Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
• Bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet
• Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
• Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
• Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
• Mateshit: all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
• Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of s e xual activity
• Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
• Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
• Crackie-daks: ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi’s amongst us:

• Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

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Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you’ve got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, it’s no use, it’s yesterday’s!"

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One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and wound down its window. "I’ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!" replied the boy. “How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked. “I said no way"
replied the boy

“What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver “No, I’m not getting in the car." answered the boy “Okay, I’ll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered “No!" replied the boy. “What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the f’ing Volvo, you live with it!"

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The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

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Contemporary Latin Phrases:

• "Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy is here.)
• "Sharpei diem." (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
• "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." (Remove foil before microwaving.)
• "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum." (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
• "Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)
• "Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!)
• "Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.)
• "No Quid Pro Quo." (I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.)
• "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity.

I just can’t put it down.

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Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."

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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’

Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."

So they rowed a little farther…. Again Bubbles asked Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough NOW?

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.

Gasping for breath she said, ‘OK, it’s finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel.

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"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in Jolie’s new self-help book, ‘How to Have Babies for Fun and Profit.’" -Conan O’Brien

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A man walks into a store to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – do the modelling naked – return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself’.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says ‘Stone me. It wasn’t that creased in the shop’.

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Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’

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I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn’t let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t see anything.

I finally decided that I should help.

She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got that handbag.

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My daughters date for graduation turned up at the pre dinner drinks and asked a friends Mum if she could please stitch a button onto his jacket for him. He said “I don’t have one of those things at home to do it”, when she suggested he meant a needle he said “No, a Mum.”

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The three Dolls in a man’s life are:

1……..His Daughter, ‘Baby doll’

2……..His Girlfriend, ‘Barbie doll’

3……..His Wife, ‘Panadol ‘

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

And then the fight started…..

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"The other week I went to see my doctor … I was in the waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of the typewriter." –Arthur Brown

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In a brave and decisive move, disregarding the counsel of many of his conservative advisors, President Bush asked Congress to increase the penalty for corporate malfeasance from not going to jail for 10 years to not going to jail for 20 years.

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"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife.

"What, hon?" she asks.

"The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one."

"Huh," his wife says, "I bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis next-door."

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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I’ll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

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"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.

"No, it was her idea."

Fabulous Friday Funnies – Easter Double Up (Part Two)

"You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap." —Dolly Parton

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When I was in an antique shop in a Victorian country town recently I saw this sign….

“Any unsupervised children will be given unlimited red cordial and told they can take a cute puppy home.”

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"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway." -Jay Leno

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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis- appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

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I heard a funny one on St Patrick’s day

Paddy goes down to the Police Station to do the written test. The Sgt comes in after he’s done & says ‘You didn’t even answer the first question correctly – who’s the Queen of England? Now get out here & don’t come back until you find tat out!’

Paddy goes home to his wife. She asks ‘Did you get the job?’ ‘I think so’ says Paddy, ‘And they’ve put me on a case already!’

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"There was one nursing home that each night gave it’s elderly male residents a Viagra Tablet. It was much to help their sex life but mote to stop them rolling out of bed each night."

While I’m on poor Viagra Jokes, my wife took one the other day and she woke up with a stiff neck.

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Two country boys were driving a truck and trailer down the highway when they came to an overbridge with a sign saying "Clearance 3.1 metres". They measured their rig to find that it is 3.5 metres high. "I don’t see any cops around," said one, "let’s go for it."

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A man complained to his teenage daughter that the modern generation had no modesty. "When I was your age," he said, "girls still knew how to blush." "Good heavens Dad," replied the daughter, "what on earth did you say to them?"

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Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.

Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"

Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

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Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for. —Unknown

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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a se xy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent.’

In tears, she remarked, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?’

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"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks." –Conan O’Brien

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A guy walks into his Dr’s rooms & pulls down his trousers & shows the Dr his backside. He has a lettuce growing out of it! The Dr says “I see the problem” The guy replies, “Dr that’s only the tip of the iceberg!!!!!”

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Just had to share a story from my staff meeting this week. One of the lovely older ladies who works for me had her sister visiting from the UK and together they went to visit our Parliament in Wellington. They had a tour around the building and at the end the guide told them that Parliament was in session if they wished to have a look. So having stowed bags and other belongings they had to walk through a metal detector and the guard asked my lovely staff member to remove her top.

She looked down and decided that the metal rivets on her top were the problem and quickly checked to see what she had on underneath, decided that she would still be decent if she took her top off and as she went to lift her top to take it off her sister leaned over and told her that the guard meant the cardy that was tied around her waist not her top!!!

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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What’s that stuff all over those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That’s what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

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Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You’re smiling now cause you are an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. Theres still a stupid smile on your face.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 30

Humour Days at work

Fun decor, cartoon posters, jokes at meetings, balloons, funny hats, email humour, fun tea breaks, talent competitions, comedy DVDs, fun logos and signs, decorate lifts, award prizes for effort.

Explain to people, we take our work seriously and ourselves a little less seriously.

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“Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘Who’s the bald chick in the dress?’” -Conan O’Brien

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I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. —Unknown

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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

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At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? —Unknown

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Drawbacks of working in a cubicle

• Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who’s behind you.
• The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
• Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
• When you quit and walk out, there’s no door to slam.
• Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a freakin’ box all day long.
• 23 power cords – 1 outlet.
• If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say “What? I didn’t hear you.”
• You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they’ve gone.

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Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.

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I don’t know if you know much about a town by the name of Queenstown in Tassie, but it’s ecological history is somewhat bleak. First they logged every single tree from every hill for miles (lots of hills by the way), then they discovered copper and some other useful metals and ripped into the hills.

They also used some pretty potent chemicals in their mining processes and the naked, rocky hills are now permanently stained in shades of purple and pink. It is one of the ugliest places I have ever seen and if the road sign is anything to go by, I’m not the only one. The sign should have read “Welcome to Queenstown” but someone with a sense of humour and a liking for Tolkien scratched out the correct name and wrote “Mordor” instead. I have never seen more apt grafitti.

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his full time carer!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What’d you buy?’

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A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man, “That’s my ball!”

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One morning at church, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyerof the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with little flags mounted on either side of it.

The six year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor, what is this?” he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

“Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:15?”

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Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible — George Burns

 

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller

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Have you heard about the latest Viagra?

It comes in powder form . You can put it in your tea or coffee so that when you dip your biscuit it doesn’t go limp

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John Howard Stamp

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of John Howard to honour his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged our Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.