The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 30
Humour Days at work
Fun decor, cartoon posters, jokes at meetings, balloons, funny hats, email humour, fun tea breaks, talent competitions, comedy DVDs, fun logos and signs, decorate lifts, award prizes for effort.
Explain to people, we take our work seriously and ourselves a little less seriously.
“Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘Who’s the bald chick in the dress?’” -Conan O’Brien
I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. —Unknown
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”
At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? —Unknown
Drawbacks of working in a cubicle
- Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who’s behind you.
- The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
- Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
- When you quit and walk out, there’s no door to slam.
- Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a freakin’ box all day long.
- 23 power cords – 1 outlet.
- If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say “What? I didn’t hear you.”
- You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they’ve gone.
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.
I don’t know if you know much about a town by the name of Queenstown in Tassie, but it’s ecological history is somewhat bleak. First they logged every single tree from every hill for miles (lots of hills by the way), then they discovered copper and some other useful metals and ripped into the hills.
They also used some pretty potent chemicals in their mining processes and the naked, rocky hills are now permanently stained in shades of purple and pink. It is one of the ugliest places I have ever seen and if the road sign is anything to go by, I’m not the only one. The sign should have read “Welcome to Queenstown” but someone with a sense of humour and a liking for Tolkien scratched out the correct name and wrote “Mordor” instead. I have never seen more apt grafitti.
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his full time carer!’
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What’d you buy?’
A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.
“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.
“No,” replied the man, “That’s my ball!”
One morning at church, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyerof the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with little flags mounted on either side of it.
The six year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.
“Pastor, what is this?” he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,
“Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:15?”
Quotes
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible — George Burns
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller
Have you heard about the latest Viagra?
It comes in powder form . You can put it in your tea or coffee so that when you dip your biscuit it doesn’t go limp
John Howard Stamp
Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of John Howard to honour his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged our Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings:
- The stamp is in perfect order.
- There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
- People are spitting on the wrong side.
