The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’


Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This proves that commonsense is not very common. My dad was booked to go on a trip and as a precaution he took out travel insurance unfortunately he died suddenly but when we activated the travel insurance we had to prove he was too sick to go on the trip, I gave them the death certificate but they replied ‘This doesn’t prove he was sick only that he has died.’ So it begs the question how sick do you have to be before dying? Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I just had a visit to a year 4 class and they were talking about the breaking news that we had a new Prime Minister. When I asked if they knew the person’s name a little girl responded hesitantly "Um… Jule, Julie, Julia, Julia….Um Gill, Gill, Julia Gill???" when one of the boys piped up to help out very excitedly, "Julia Caesar" Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown


"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." –P. J.
O’Rourke


At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"


Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


True story

My seven year old grandson was telling me he was tha fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the school. I said ‘ i would like to hear you are the best reader in school or the best at maths"’ He looked very plaintive and said ‘there are thousands of kids at my school!!!


A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride.

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."


"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can’t find a good man, raise one." –Unknown


An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ”It’s my fooken wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve fooken killed her!”

Operator: ”Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!”

*click* … *BANG*

Irishman: ”Okay, I’ve fooken done that. What next?”


If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share withthe same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’


A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I’m in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."


As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won’t let me."


Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?


If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo


While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don’t know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."


Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."


"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw


A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’

The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of test*cles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’

The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off?’ ‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.


"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
–Bernard Bailey


"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood


John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter,"
he shouted, "Didn’t you hear me say, ‘well done’?"

"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."


A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You’ve got male!


My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."


A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity."

"Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’"


Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

So many Swine Flu jokes already….

The swine flu pundemic

SYMPTOMS:

Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.

Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.

Bad temper: things start to easily rind you up.

Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.

Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.

Developing a sty in either or both eyes.

Urgent cravings: for a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples.

Wanting to fight: Shouting things like "Gammon, have a go if you think you’re hard enough".

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non-smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout. This could be a false alarm, in which case you can trotter off home, but if the symptoms return, you may need to go to your local farmacy for some oinkment.

Treatment for Swine Flu: Spend the night in a smoky room and in the morning you will be cured

I woke up this morning thinking I had swine flu I had broken out in rashers! So I rang the swine flu hotline. But all I got was crackling…….

FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection. With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking. Doctor, Doctor. I’ve just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.

Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!


When life hands you Lemons, ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!


There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?"
I asked.

"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or b*tch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day…

The End


ACCOUNTING CONVENTION

The host of the convention says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" One Accountant steps up. The host says to him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen."

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance." The host says, "Well since we have gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The host sighs – everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."

Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."


As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.


"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy


"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levant


A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."