The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."


Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!


Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’

Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.


Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’


If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?


As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.

Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.

Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!

She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.


The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"


Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.


An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.


A little known fact…

The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !


A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."


We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stop Press

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious… Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York …. now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now,you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I’ve just found out I’m five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who’s speaking?"


The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery’s’ waiting room. "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!"

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. "He’s got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That’s because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn’t know he’s dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"

"Your glass is empty O’Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O’Flaherty.


"I’m getting older and I’m thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I’m trying to cut back on my cholesterol." –Brenda Pontiff


Q. What’s round, got teeth and bites
. A vicious circle


Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in some high schools any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests…

  • The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
  • Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days – Origami Bank has folded,

Sumo Bank has gone belly up,

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches,

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived,

500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop,

and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that clients and staff may get a raw deal.


At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? –Unknown


It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. –Sam Levenson


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, ‘Would you like to make love?”No!’ she answered.’Is that your final answer?’ I said.’Yes!’ she replied.I then said, ‘I’d like to phone a friend.’


On the first day of spring training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run he’d be at Flemington!"


A man in filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone out with the girls. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o’clock on Channel 2."


"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn’t it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." —Scott Ostler


Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:

  • Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won’t ever connect at 56k.
  • Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
  • T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
  • The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
  • Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii.
  • Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files– no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

While on holidays, I saw this written on a notice in a shop. I took a sneaky photo so I could pass it on to the gang…

CRICKET

You have two sides of eleven men, one in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he is out he comes in and the next man goes in until he is out. When both sides have been in and are all out, they all come in and the game is over.


There were still a few minutes left before the flight. Sam was thanking George for being such a good host. "My room was great. The food was terrific. You didn’t bug me. And, more than anything else, thanks for letting me sleep with your wife. She was the best I ever had!"

Boarding was announced. George waived goodbye and left. A stranger walked over to Sam and said, "Pardon me, but did I hear you just thank that man for letting you sleep with his wife? And that she was the best you ever had?"

Sam said, "She really wasn’t, but that George is just such a nice guy."