The Fabulous Friday Funnies

For Lexophiles

  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • The batteries were given out free of charge.
  • A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
  • Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Our new Kindergarten class returned to school for their second day. A little boy sitting at the front, with a concerned look on his face, put up his hand. "Will any of us graduate today?" he asked.

Some bad puns

  1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
    it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a
    little behind in his work.
  4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
  5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
    in Linoleum Blownapart.
  6. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
    hit me.
  8. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  9. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  10. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

True stories from precious seniors

Vera had a wicked sense of humour and was having her mental health assessed, and when asked when her birthday was? says “2nd March “ when asked what year is that? She says “Every year”


Mary who had dementia, was being admitted to the nursing home and the nurse was trying to attain what her memory was like. After telling Mary who she was and questioning her for the endless paperwork, the nurse then asks “Do you know who I am?” Mary looks at her and smiles and says “Why darling have you forgotten who you are to?

Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.

How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That’s fine," replied the girl. "I’ll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

We were eating out at a restaurant the other day and our daughter said to us Daughter: "I know what I am going to do when I am older" Mum: "and whats that?" Daughter: "I am going to be a PE teacher, and a mum … AND I am going to own a restaurant" Mum: "Wow … that sounds like a lot …"
Daughter: "And you know what? … I am going to WORK TOO!"

Well that just cracked me up …… from the mouth of a 5 year old!

A woman gave birth in a new state of the art delivery suite. It was so hi-tech that the baby came out cordless.

“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.” ~ Rita Mae Brown

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Australia….Kevin Rudd. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. The enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $2.73 million on the enquiry, a special Royal Commission presented the following findings:

  1. The stamp is in perfect order.
  2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
  3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, ‘Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?’

‘Bejaysus —- Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because,’ said Mick, ‘the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.’

Paddy said, ‘Stupid idiots, the laugh’s on them ….. I wasn’t home yesterday.’

Customer, "I’m sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don’t have anything left over for a tip."

Waiter, "One moment, sir, and I’ll add up the bill again."

Latest from Belfast:

Peter Robinson is having trouble with his eyes because someone poked a finger in his Iris.

Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?’" -Dave Letterman

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.

Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely.
Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

An elderly gentleman…. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Maybe Tiger should change his name to Cheetah?

My infant son and I sat in front of the TV, hostages to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son’s eyes. "He shouldn’t see this."

"It’s okay," my husband replied. "He probably thinks it’s the Food Network."

This happened to me last week. On playground duty I noticed two Year 5 boys who seemed to be fighting or wrestling so I made my way over to them. I noticed that the first of the boys was one with a reputation for losing his cool and lashing out.

Just as I got within range to call out to them, they gave each other a hug. Still not 100% sure if everything was “kosher” I called them over with a light hearted “Come over here cuddly boys”. When they came over I asked them “Now boys, why do you think I called you over here?” The second boy piped up “For acting gay?”

With much difficulty I managed to not laugh and gave them a brief talk about saving the wrestling for outside of school. I quickly sent them on their way so I could burst out with laughter.

I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let’s get these out of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

"They’re last year’s," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let’s go out to dinner and relax. You’ve been working too hard."

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women

  1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly – a woman takes her time.
  2. Airplanes can be turned on by the flip of a switch.
  3. Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a "touch and go."
  4. Airplanes don’t object to a pre-flight inspection.
  5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
  6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
  7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
  8. Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
  9. Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
  10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
  11. Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
  12. Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
  13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
  14. Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
  15. Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
  16. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good

"Golden Globe nominations are out today. Third year in a row, Pamela Anderson was nominated for ‘Best Golden Globes.’" -David Letterman

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy.
There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label.
This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."

Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV. After a first round knock-out the husband sighs and says, "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"

The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."

"Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who’d have ever guessed that product
con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes

I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What’s the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree."

"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." — Kin Hubbard

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Ever wondered?

  1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
  2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
  9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
  10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer. Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want to kill people who are always chipper and happy." -David Letterman

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that’s how the fight started…..

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…"

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store." — Matthew Perenchio

Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.

Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"

Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I’m dying over here and you’re putting?"

"Don’t worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through."

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week. That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had."

The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"

  • Nothing can replace a bikini … and often does!
  • How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you can afford.
  • I was studying chemistry in college but after about six weeks I was out of my element.
  • If we looted our local pharmacy, would they call it pillaging?
  • Down at the railroad yard, they can always hear when the locomotive has a problem. They have engine ears.
  • What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder!
  • Of all the fruits he could have eaten, do you think Noah enjoyed pears the most?
  • I heard of a young lady at my office who accidentally spilled her birth control pills into the copier while changing the toner … now we can’t get it to reproduce anything.

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."

Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen- agers.

Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
main- tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full


To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

  1. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
  2. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
  3. Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his on. "What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, …bless his heart, answered: "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But, …when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?"

Well, I guess I just panicked!"

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

"May I take your order, Sir?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, Sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die."

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen. The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’ A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. Why?’ he asks.
‘What’s the matter?’ ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’ ‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’ ‘It was horrible,’
he replies. ‘All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…. Oh!" (Click.)

"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one:
Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.

"Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line."

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

Question for Geography students: What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: About three pounds fifty…


I had a cheque returned earlier, marked "insufficient funds." Mine or the banks?


Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They’ve called in the retrievers.

One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways — unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.

The young wife hasn’t spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding… She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price. What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your
assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counseling will be available.)

"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition. Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 150 foot long dead dinosaur.

The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord! Did you kill this dinosaur?"

"Yep!" replied the pigmy.

"But, it’s so big and you’re so small!"

"Yep!", replied the pigmy.

"How the hell did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.

"With my club," replied the pigmy.

"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.

The pigmy replied, "Well, there’re about 50 of us!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A. A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.

One American to another: "I had trouble with a cheque I wrote last week"

Second American: "Did it bounce?"

First American: "No, the bank did"

Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, One load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have s e x.

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner, Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.

‘But what about afterwards?’ asked her friends.

Oh, that … Ralph was too tired.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. ‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

The Irishman nodded…’I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’

‘From hunger, you mean?’ ‘No, from blooudy skippin’, the Irishman said.

  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would resultin Linoleum Blownapart (and his probable retreat).
  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  11. A hole has been found in the nu dist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree.

Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don’t do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said.

When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That’s your father."

"Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"


  1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
  2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
  3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
  6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
  2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
  3. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
  5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
  6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo

"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it." – Dave Letterman

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
A. Lost.

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed–driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”

“A German airline is offering n u d e flights. What a tremendous idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked around and said, ‘Gee, if only I could see all these people naked.'” -David Letterman

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

A woman confided to her girlfriend, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”

The friend said, “How flattering.”

The woman replied, “Not really. I think he’s after the money I married him for.”

“If Sen. John McCain wins, he will be the oldest president to take office. But the good news? At age 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One.” -Jay Leno

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”

“Amazing,” said the councelor. “How did you do it?”

“I outweighed him by 20 kilos and he was a coward.”

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father … During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did my son! And you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.” The priest said, “By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. But I can understand how two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven my son.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.” “And what is that, my son?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

Q. What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A. A manila folder

“I was reading about this self help book, ‘The Secret,’ written by an Australian reality producer. One fan of the book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her acupuncture business. I’m thinking, ‘Who’s going to go see a panicky acupuncturist?'” -Craig Ferguson

“Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?” –Lisa Claymen

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world with- out hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” –Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from His collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept For an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog Comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

I went into a petrol station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, “Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it’s time I made a confession …………..

Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years.” The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and says “My love, you’ve been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!”

She said, “I don’t think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Parramatta.”

She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, “Grow your own dope.” How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient. Then I noticed the rest of her message… “Plant a man.”

“Cunning and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 23.

Eat anti-ageing foods.

Tomatoes, blue berries, apples, watermelon, peppers, pumpkin, broccholi, leafy greens, eggs, salmon, soy, tofu, beans, small handful of nuts, dark chocolate (75% cocoa).

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?” Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk.

“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old Gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer”.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”


Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, “Don’t you want to participate in our competition?”

The guy asks “What’s it all about?”

The barman informs him, “All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.”

The guy replies, “No I don’t think so, mate… the steaks are too high!”

“Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.” -Dave Letterman


  • You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk. George Clooney
  • The trouble with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer. Joan Collins
  • Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the plane and the pessimist the parachute
  • Plane travel is natures way of making you look like your passport photo
  • The formula for successful relationship is simple: treat all disasters as if they were trivialities, but never treat triviality as if it were a disaster. Quentin Crisp
  • Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up alongside it. David Lee Roth
  • They say marriages are made in heaven but so are thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
  • The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh
  • Its just like magic, when you live by yourself all your annoying habits are gone. Merrill Markoe
  • For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. Lily Tomlin
  • Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh, either. Golda Meir

The teacher asked a little hillbilly student to make a sentence using the word “Mahogany” So he said ” We had corn fer dinner last night but I didn’t give ma hog any.”

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” (Oscar Levant)

Son: ‘Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

An Australian, a South African and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African’s Horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the Kiwi replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you Are also very brave”, the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”? “Tie the Australian to my back.”

I have a friend who is going through a rough spot so instead of ringing her and asking hows everything going I started texting her silly questions. Well, I remembered a few from your book. Here is the answer she sent to….”If dog food has a new and improved taste, who taste tests it?” ……Her reply… Men in the dog house. Just so good.