The Fabulous Friday Funnies

For Lexophiles

• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You’re darn right we’re poisonous! We’re rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Our new Kindergarten class returned to school for their second day. A little boy sitting at the front, with a concerned look on his face, put up his hand. "Will any of us graduate today?" he asked.

Some bad puns

1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
   it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a
   little behind in his work.
4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
   stationery.
5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
   in Linoleum Blownapart.
6. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
   hit me.
8. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
9. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
10. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

True stories from precious seniors

Vera had a wicked sense of humour and was having her mental health assessed, and when asked when her birthday was? says “2nd March “ when asked what year is that? She says “Every year”

Mary who had dementia, was being admitted to the nursing home and the nurse was trying to attain what her memory was like. After telling Mary who she was and questioning her for the endless paperwork, the nurse then asks “Do you know who I am?” Mary looks at her and smiles and says “Why darling have you forgotten who you are to?

Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.

How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That’s fine," replied the girl. "I’ll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

We were eating out at a restaurant the other day and our daughter said to us Daughter: "I know what I am going to do when I am older" Mum: "and whats that?" Daughter: "I am going to be a PE teacher, and a mum … AND I am going to own a restaurant" Mum: "Wow … that sounds like a lot …"
Daughter: "And you know what? … I am going to WORK TOO!"

Well that just cracked me up …… from the mouth of a 5 year old!

A woman gave birth in a new state of the art delivery suite. It was so hi-tech that the baby came out cordless.

“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.” ~ Rita Mae Brown

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Australia….Kevin Rudd. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. The enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $2.73 million on the enquiry, a special Royal Commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, ‘Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?’

‘Bejaysus —- Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because,’ said Mick, ‘the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.’

Paddy said, ‘Stupid idiots, the laugh’s on them ….. I wasn’t home yesterday.’

Customer, "I’m sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don’t have anything left over for a tip."

Waiter, "One moment, sir, and I’ll add up the bill again."

Latest from Belfast:

Peter Robinson is having trouble with his eyes because someone poked a finger in his Iris.

Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?’" -Dave Letterman

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.

Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely.
Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

An elderly gentleman…. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Maybe Tiger should change his name to Cheetah?

My infant son and I sat in front of the TV, hostages to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son’s eyes. "He shouldn’t see this."

"It’s okay," my husband replied. "He probably thinks it’s the Food Network."

This happened to me last week. On playground duty I noticed two Year 5 boys who seemed to be fighting or wrestling so I made my way over to them. I noticed that the first of the boys was one with a reputation for losing his cool and lashing out.

Just as I got within range to call out to them, they gave each other a hug. Still not 100% sure if everything was “kosher” I called them over with a light hearted “Come over here cuddly boys”. When they came over I asked them “Now boys, why do you think I called you over here?” The second boy piped up “For acting gay?”

With much difficulty I managed to not laugh and gave them a brief talk about saving the wrestling for outside of school. I quickly sent them on their way so I could burst out with laughter.

I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let’s get these out of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

"They’re last year’s," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let’s go out to dinner and relax. You’ve been working too hard."

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women

1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly – a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes can be turned on by the flip of a switch.
3. Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a "touch and go."
4. Airplanes don’t object to a pre-flight inspection.
5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8. Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
9. Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11. Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
12. Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14. Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
15. Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
16. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good

"Golden Globe nominations are out today. Third year in a row, Pamela Anderson was nominated for ‘Best Golden Globes.’" -David Letterman

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy.
There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label.
This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."

Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV. After a first round knock-out the husband sighs and says, "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"

The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."

"Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who’d have ever guessed that product
con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes

I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What’s the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree."

"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." — Kin Hubbard

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Ever wondered?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer. Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want to kill people who are always chipper and happy." -David Letterman

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that’s how the fight started…..

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…"

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store." — Matthew Perenchio

Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.

Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"

Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I’m dying over here and you’re putting?"

"Don’t worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through."

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week. That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had."

The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"

• Nothing can replace a bikini … and often does!
• How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you can afford.
• I was studying chemistry in college but after about six weeks I was out of my element.
• If we looted our local pharmacy, would they call it pillaging?
• Down at the railroad yard, they can always hear when the locomotive has a problem. They have engine ears.
• What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder!
• Of all the fruits he could have eaten, do you think Noah enjoyed pears the most?
• I heard of a young lady at my office who accidentally spilled her birth control pills into the copier while changing the toner … now we can’t get it to reproduce anything.

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."

Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen- agers.

Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
main- tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full
refund.)

IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

1. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
2. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
3. Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.