The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his on. "What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, …bless his heart, answered: "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But, …when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?"

Well, I guess I just panicked!"

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Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

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"May I take your order, Sir?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, Sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die."

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen. The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’ A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. Why?’ he asks.
‘What’s the matter?’ ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’ ‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’ ‘It was horrible,’
he replies. ‘All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

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The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…. Oh!" (Click.)

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"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one:
Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."
–Voltaire

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The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.

"Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line."

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A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

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Question for Geography students: What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: About three pounds fifty…

 

I had a cheque returned earlier, marked "insufficient funds." Mine or the banks?

 

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They’ve called in the retrievers.

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One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways — unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.

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The young wife hasn’t spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding… She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

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1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price. What is his profit?

 

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800. What is his profit?

 

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit

 

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your
assignment: Underline the number 200.

 

5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counseling will be available.)

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"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition. Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 150 foot long dead dinosaur.

The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord! Did you kill this dinosaur?"

"Yep!" replied the pigmy.

"But, it’s so big and you’re so small!"

"Yep!", replied the pigmy.

"How the hell did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.

"With my club," replied the pigmy.

"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.

The pigmy replied, "Well, there’re about 50 of us!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A. A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.

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One American to another: "I had trouble with a cheque I wrote last week"

Second American: "Did it bounce?"

First American: "No, the bank did"

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Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, One load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have s e x.

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner, Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.

‘But what about afterwards?’ asked her friends.

Oh, that … Ralph was too tired.

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. ‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

The Irishman nodded…’I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’

‘From hunger, you mean?’ ‘No, from blooudy skippin’, the Irishman said.

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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would resultin Linoleum Blownapart (and his probable retreat).
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nu dist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

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One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree.

Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don’t do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said.

When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

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A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That’s your father."

"Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

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"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo

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"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it." – Dave Letterman

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It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

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A Catholic priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
A. Lost.

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A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed–driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”

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“A German airline is offering n u d e flights. What a tremendous idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked around and said, ‘Gee, if only I could see all these people naked.’” -David Letterman

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We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

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A woman confided to her girlfriend, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”

The friend said, “How flattering.”

The woman replied, “Not really. I think he’s after the money I married him for.”

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“If Sen. John McCain wins, he will be the oldest president to take office. But the good news? At age 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One.” -Jay Leno

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A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”

“Amazing,” said the councelor. “How did you do it?”

“I outweighed him by 20 kilos and he was a coward.”

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father … During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did my son! And you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.” The priest said, “By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. But I can understand how two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven my son.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.” “And what is that, my son?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

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Q. What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A. A manila folder

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“I was reading about this self help book, ‘The Secret,’ written by an Australian reality producer. One fan of the book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her acupuncture business. I’m thinking, ‘Who’s going to go see a panicky acupuncturist?’” -Craig Ferguson

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“Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?” –Lisa Claymen

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“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world with- out hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” –Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from His collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept For an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog Comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

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I went into a petrol station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

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A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, “Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it’s time I made a confession …………..

Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years.” The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and says “My love, you’ve been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!”

She said, “I don’t think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Parramatta.”

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She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, “Grow your own dope.” How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient. Then I noticed the rest of her message… “Plant a man.”

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“Cunning and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 23.

Eat anti-ageing foods.

Tomatoes, blue berries, apples, watermelon, peppers, pumpkin, broccholi, leafy greens, eggs, salmon, soy, tofu, beans, small handful of nuts, dark chocolate (75% cocoa).

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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”

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A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?” Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk.

“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old Gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer”.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

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FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

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A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, “Don’t you want to participate in our competition?”

The guy asks “What’s it all about?”

The barman informs him, “All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.”

The guy replies, “No I don’t think so, mate… the steaks are too high!”

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“Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.” -Dave Letterman

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Quotes

• You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk. George Clooney
• The trouble with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer. Joan Collins
• Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the plane and the pessimist the parachute
• Plane travel is natures way of making you look like your passport photo
• The formula for successful relationship is simple: treat all disasters as if they were trivialities, but never treat triviality as if it were a disaster. Quentin Crisp
• Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up alongside it. David Lee Roth
• They say marriages are made in heaven but so are thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
• The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh
• Its just like magic, when you live by yourself all your annoying habits are gone. Merrill Markoe
• For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. Lily Tomlin
• Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh, either. Golda Meir

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The teacher asked a little hillbilly student to make a sentence using the word “Mahogany” So he said ” We had corn fer dinner last night but I didn’t give ma hog any.”

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“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” (Oscar Levant)

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Son: ‘Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

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An Australian, a South African and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African’s Horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the Kiwi replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you Are also very brave”, the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”? “Tie the Australian to my back.”

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I have a friend who is going through a rough spot so instead of ringing her and asking hows everything going I started texting her silly questions. Well, I remembered a few from your book. Here is the answer she sent to….”If dog food has a new and improved taste, who taste tests it?” ……Her reply… Men in the dog house. Just so good.