The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Volcano jokes

• Sorry for the flight delays, Europe. We were aiming for London, but it’s hard to be accurate when firing a volcano
• There’s no pleasing the English. The last time they got the Ashes they were over the moon
• Iceland goes bankrupt, then manage to set their island on fire. Insurance scam written all over it
• I think it’s too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano…we should at least wait until the dust settles
• Time for the USA to attack Iceland for possessing weapons of mass disruption
• The last wish of the Icelandic economy was to have its ashes scattered over Europe

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Diane’s story about the Chinese calligraphy on her sweater reminded me of the T-shirt which I purchased from a clothes chain. I thought it very smart with Chinese characters across the front, cinched in at the waist, except that when I walked through Melbourne’s Chinatown I noticed folk looking at me with a little smile then quickly averting their gaze.

Wondering, I took my fashion item down to the local fish and chip shop where the Chinese guy who spoke English took it out the back to his mother who could read Chinese. He came back with a big smile on his face and told me that my T-shirt said ‘These mountains are beautiful’.

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Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation’s economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

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What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question?" Asked the librarian.

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M..!" the librarian said, "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M." "Who said I wanted to get in?", the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

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"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’"
–Peter Kay

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"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." –Wendell Johnson

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Some of the artists of the 60′s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They
include:

Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker ..

The Bee Gees — – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

Abba— Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy— I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least: Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again

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‘I became a member of The Secret Seven. It’s so secret, I don’t even know who the other six are… ‘

 

I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, ‘what seems to be the problem?’ I said ‘you have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf.’

 

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.

 

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

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Heard this joke this morning, though you might wish to use it:

Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the Juggler!!!!

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"My father spent the last 20 years of his life writing letters. If someone thanked him for a wedding present, he thanked them for thanking him and there was no end to the exchange but death." -Evelyn Waugh

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"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon

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"You’ve got a good lawyer to take care of the estate?"
asked her mother.

"Oh, don’t talk to me about lawyers," said the recent widow angrily. "I’ve had so much trouble over the property.
Sometimes I wish Frank had never died."

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This would be funny if it wasn’t true!!!!! It actually happened last week.

We have a small hotel in South West country Victoria and were requested by the Local Council fire officer to clear our block in mid March.(Fire orders usually go out in
November) We were surprised as it was potentially dangerous to do it at that time. We asked if the order could be waived as the fire period was nearly over and it would rain soon anyway.

We were told "no the block had to be cleared."

We then approached the CFA back burn for us. Unfortunately they told us that the block had to have ploughed earth for a distance of 5 metres around the boundary.

It is not possible to do this as the block is very rocky and very steep where it runs down to a creek. To do so would be unsafe.

In the interim it rained holding us up from mowing as it was too wet.

We went back to Council and informed them that it was unsafe to mow the block due to the slope and that the rocky terrain could cause a fire if sparks were created by hitting a rock with the mower.

We were told to do the best you can!!!.

So we did …..To avoid a fine we pulled out the mower on the last day and started to mow the block.

As expected, the mower hit a rock, caused a spark and set alight to the block.

The first thing to catch alight was the mower which is now a write off. However the sight of me trying to reverse a flaming mower out of the inferno screaming "Fire" "Fire"
raised some mirth from the locals.

Naturally the fire brigade was called and the fire was put out. We are now considering putting the charred remnants of the mower in front of the property to promote a new business with a sign saying "Lawn mowing services. Hot prices available."

Next year we are going to commission the council to clear the site for us and sell tickets to the pending entertainment.

The toasted marshmallows should be a hit.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.

Some university students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’"

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My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 98."

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"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." –P. J. O’Rourke

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the CASA Flight Operations Inspectors, and the CASA FOI arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

"What’s that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, "but you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.

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"There is no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from."

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In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

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My wife came home from the doctor’s the other day and told me the doctor said she couldn’t make love. I’ve known this for years, but I want to know how he found out.

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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar:

"He lives in a home with eight children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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I was in Safeway the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.

I said to him, ‘Sorry about that I’m looking for my wife, and I really wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.
The young man said, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’ I said, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy said, ‘Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?’

I said… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.’

Most of us Old Blokes are helpful like that.

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Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

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My children have succeeded in driving their mother crazy.
So complete is their success that I find myself frequently uttering these once unthinkable words: "Honey, you need to get out. Go ahead, call a friend and escape for a while.
I’ll take care of these—things."

With that, she’s out the door in 2.5 minutes. She called me from her cell shortly thereafter, "Hi, Honey. What time would you like me home?"

"Anytime," I said. "Just have fun."

"OK," she said excitedly. "See you Sunday."

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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"