The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn’t be here."

Puzzled, she seeks out her mummy and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mummy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?"

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A frog walks into his local bank branch, asks for the loans officer. He goes in, sits on her desk, and sees shes called Patricia Whack. He asks her for a $50,000 loan to do a world cruise. She asks what security he has and he produces a 4 cm pink porcelain elephant and says his dad is Mick Jagger. She asks the manager for advice – he says
Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A middle-aged man asked the Trainer in the gym:
"IF I wanted to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?"
The Trainer smiling replies:
" The ATM machine outside the gym…"


"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day.
Teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks."

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
‘Why?’ my daughter asked.
‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, And probably has germs,’ I replied. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The funniest thing I heard this week was a mother calling into a radio station complaining about the school holidays.
She said, “Life is short… but school holidays seem to go on forever!”

Another woman suggested that all you need is a large supply of riddles…. Here is one from Joy…

Q. How do Teddy Bears start a race?
A. Ready, Teddy, Go


Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."

"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"


Q. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A. About half way.


"What they put women through today when they’re having a baby! They don’t want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn’t wake up till I was seven." –Dennis Wolfberg


A chicken and a duck were standing on the side of the road.
The chicken turned to the duck and said "Don’t! You’ll never hear the end of it."


Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.

"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.

"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.

"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."


There was once an doctor who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch – this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"

The doctor replied, "That’s no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri." "OK", said the genie, and a Ferrari appeared in front of the doctor. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferraris’," the genie told the doctor.

The doctor remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for 10 million bucks." So 10 million bucks appeared in front of the doctor and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 20 million bucks."

The doctor was non-committal and then said, "I always wished I could donate a kidney!"


At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?"

"No," I told him. "We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic."

He arrived early.


A while back I was reading an engineering magazine which contained an advertisement for "microtunnelling". I wondered what microtunnelling was until I realised it was a little bit boring.


Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate maths, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers I’d say zero." He handed me back my license.

"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."


The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I’m not that kind!"

"Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.

"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"

"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."


Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.


A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"What’s the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My mother always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for?


My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist…
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.


"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for dinner and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator." –Bill Lawrence


Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn’t Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…"

Morris was now fuming. "What’s the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"


Customer: I’d like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.


A True Story from the Jacksonville , Florida, Police Department

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and rundown the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies "150"
and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says…real slowly.

. "So……………ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"


A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."


Some wife one-liners

  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

An Israeli doctor says, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A Russian doctor says, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, ‘You must be a dentist.’

The guy, surprised, says, ‘Yes…. How did you figure that out?’

‘Easy,’ she replied, ‘you keep washing your hands.’

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, ‘You must be a good dentist.’

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, ‘Sure, I’m a good dentist, how did you figure that out?’

‘I didn’t feel a thing.’


Had a funny incident happen at the movies the other day.

I went to see Mama Mia and sat in front of three young girls about 16yrs old. The were fine, chatted a bit and made a few comic comments but towards the end as Colin Firth is taking his shirt off in one of the scenes and I am having flash backs to Mr Darcy, I hear from the girls behind me ‘ew gross’. It made me laugh out loud!!


Wish I could think so quickly.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, ‘Are all of those kids yours?’

He replied,’No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.’


A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

"I’m really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I’m always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I’m not allowed on the couch.


This is a true story:

My 5yo niece wanted to watch a movie advertised on TV that was rated M. She asked why she couldn’t watch it when told it was for adults only. Her grandfather said it might have sex and violence in it. She said that would be OK. When asked if she knew what they meant, she replied with, "Sex is when you look all sexy, and violence smells nice (she meant ‘Violets’).


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


Q ,What do you call a Muslim that fly’s an airplane ?
A. A pilot


The Cowgirl went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being "well endowed".
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don’t be flattered," she said, "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."


A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . . "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

What’s the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but…I have the breasts of an 18 year old.

"The husband replies . . . "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.


A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’ ‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently…… ….but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has’ says the bloke.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .

‘We’re having a new kitchen.


"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman