Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s a good idea to get engaged on Valentines Day. The other 60 percent were men." -Conan O’Brien


I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.


An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.

After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We’ll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath.’"


A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."


If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, …Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!


That was a lovely story and I have one of my own that might make you smile too. Our 6year old grandson has just finished prep and although he can spell a lot of words correctly he often gets the right letters but in the wrong order. Consequently his Christmas wish list began, "Dear Satan,…"
One for his 21st don’t you think?


Harry is at his local discussing nicknames with his mates—George has started calling his wife "Harvey Norman" he says..

Why is that??? "No interest for 18 months"

(Harvey Norman is a huge retail store)


There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"

The redneck with he sack answered, "I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right."

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"


Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."


Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug that thing in."


A backwoodsman was making his first visit to a city hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, "What’s that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don’t know nothing now."


There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"


Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stray cat with a crocodile?
A: An alley gator.

Q: Where do cows go on their first date?
A: To the moo-vies.

Q: Why did the talking bird join the air force?
A: He wanted to be a parrot-trooper.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they’re all going to be cured anyway. News Flash …. this just in. The world’s religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."


If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.


A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

‘Talking Dog for Sale.’

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..’ You talk?’ he asked.’Yes,’ the Lab replied. ‘So, what’s the story?’

The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’ ‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. ‘Ten euros.’ the man said. ‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.’


They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’
demanded the rep.

‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board .

Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’ ‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer…


My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.

"Do you know what they say?"

"I’m afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."

"Cheap, but good." — Mike Goodell, Apopka, Fla.


Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."


IQ test ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

  1. Banana
  2. Dresser
  3. Grammar
  4. Potato
  5. Revive
  6. Uneven
  7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. This is so cool…..

 

 

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2
double letters..

 

 

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well.


A year 4 student came up to me and asked " Mr Harmer, what is a shi tzu? I replied, " well it’s a little dog that is usually white and fluffy." She replied, " my mum told me it was a zoo with no animals!"


Further to the kids’ riddles:

Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A. Do you think he saw us, Rex?


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?"
replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her appendix out!"


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What’s the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
A. Weeders Digest.

 

Q. What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A. They have got lots of scare cases.

 

Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do you think he saw us!

 

Q. What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A. A jelly baby.

 

Q. Why did the turkey join in the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks!

 

Q. What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A. His hoe hoe hoe!

 

Q. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!

 

Q. What would you get if all the cars in Australia were red?
A. A red carnation.

 

Q. What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A. A centipede with sore feet!

 

Q. How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Ready teddy go!

 

Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper!

 

Q. What do you call a lazy skeleton?
A. Bone idle!

 

Q. Where do fish wash?
A. In the river basin!

 

Q. What do you call a fairy who hasn’t had a wash for a week?
A. Stinkerbell!

 

Q. What has a pelican got in common with the Water company?
A. They both have large bills!

 

Q. What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A. Tarzi pan.

 

Q. How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A. Take away it’s credit cards!

 

Q. What do snowmen have for supper?
A. Iceburgers!

 

Q. Why do bakers work so hard?
A. Because they need the dough!


When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, ‘YOU’RE NEXT’.

They stopped that rubbish after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals


I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"


Last year I entered the Melbourne Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies. Brunette, by the way!!


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’


I have just read yet another article on the dangers of heavy drinking

It really scared me

So that’s it

After today, no more reading!!


A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted".


  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. So ……?
  • Why does lemon juice contain artificial colours and flavours, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • How come ‘cured’ bacon is from a pig that died?
  • How would you supervise a submarine race?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.

Some university students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’"


My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 98."


"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." –P. J. O’Rourke


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the CASA Flight Operations Inspectors, and the CASA FOI arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

"What’s that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, "but you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.


"There is no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from."


In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."


My wife came home from the doctor’s the other day and told me the doctor said she couldn’t make love. I’ve known this for years, but I want to know how he found out.


Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."


An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar:

"He lives in a home with eight children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"


I was in Safeway the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.

I said to him, ‘Sorry about that I’m looking for my wife, and I really wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.
The young man said, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’ I said, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy said, ‘Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?’

I said… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.’

Most of us Old Blokes are helpful like that.


Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."


My children have succeeded in driving their mother crazy.
So complete is their success that I find myself frequently uttering these once unthinkable words: "Honey, you need to get out. Go ahead, call a friend and escape for a while.
I’ll take care of these—things."

With that, she’s out the door in 2.5 minutes. She called me from her cell shortly thereafter, "Hi, Honey. What time would you like me home?"

"Anytime," I said. "Just have fun."

"OK," she said excitedly. "See you Sunday."


A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back."

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"


Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  10. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
  11. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’


Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"


"Obama held his first news conference today, as president- elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense." -Jimmy Kimmel


A definition of golf

An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.


A nice story – will make you appreciate family . . …
however for most of us, it’s too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ‘And always remember this thing,’
she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’

‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.

She answered in her soft Scottish voice. ‘Makes your d i c k look bigger.’

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?


I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside For a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast. — David Yost


Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Student: "A teacher."


There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn’t happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I’m getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that’s pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn’t matter which twelve hours you work."


The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.


Quote of the Week ‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’ Thomas Jefferson 1802

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two cannibals were sitting down and were in the middle of feasting on a couple of clowns when one cannibal stopped eating and said to the other.. “Did that taste a bit funny to you?”


One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”

“Yes,”

“Well, today I didn’t do it!”


A traveling salesman knocked on a farmer’s door late one night and requested a place to sleep for the night.

“We’re a little tight on space,” said the farmer, “so I’m going to have to put you in with my three sons.”

“Oh, pardon me,” said the salesman, “I must be in the wrong joke.”


One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The bartender asked the pirate ” Where did you get that peg leg from ?”

The Pirate responded” We were sailing overseas when a big ol’ shark came up to me while I was a swimmin’ and bit off me leg!”

Later the Bartender asked” Where did you get that hook from then ?” The Pirate responded ” Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone”.

The Bartender then asked” Where did you get that eye patch from ?” The Pirate said ” In a harbour . .I looked at a gull flying overhead and it took a dump right in me eye !”

The Bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, “How would that make you get an eye patch ?”

The pirate responded, “First day with the hook!”


When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. —Frederick Ryder


A man approached a beautiful young woman in a supermarket and asked, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”


I went to a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, “If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose.”


A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. “I’ve locked myself out of my car” replies the man. “That’s not a problem” replied the passer-by, “Step out of the way,and let me try rubbing my b u m on the door”.

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there’s no harm in it letting the man try – it might be worth a laugh. The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver’s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.

“That’s amazing!” says the motorist, “How did you do it?” “It’s easy” replies the pedestrian,……………………. “I’m wearing khaki trousers”


My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. —Milton Berle


“Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”-Groucho Marx


It is reported that Dorothy Parker was once asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence.

She promptly said, “You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.”


When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your hus- band came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’

The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Justbe gone by the time I get back’.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A resourceful pooch is on the run in northern England after using a trampoline to catapult himself out of his fenced yard. Harvey, a squat Staffordshire bull terrier, apparently bounced his way to freedom after being unable to make it over the fence of his family’s yard in York.


Pilot: “Have you ever flown in a small plane before?”

Passenger: “No, I have not.”

Pilot: “Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears popping.”

Pilot (after the plane landed): “Did the gum help?”

Passenger: “Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.”


Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.


I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

“Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”


I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?”

“Morning Sickness.”


An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said.
“Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!!!”


When insults had class

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” Oscar Wilde
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” John Bright
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” Irvin S. Cobb
  • “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” Samuel Johnson
  • “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating
  • “He had delusions of adequacy.” Walter Kerr
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Mae West

Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions”that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”

She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”

Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”

Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, Teach a person to use the Internet And they won’t bother you for weeks


Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, “I don’t know about this. We’ve been out here all day and haven’t caught a single duck. Do you think we’re doing something wrong?”

“I don’t know,” replied the other. “Maybe we’re not throwing the dog high enough.”


During a history lesson on the French Revolution an inattentive young lad was asked by his teacher if knew the nationality of Napoleon Bonaparte. Without thinking the boy answered “Course I Can”.


One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, “Well, did he?”

“Did he what?”

“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?” she asked.


A Doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “I believe it’s Wedding Cake?”


Here is a funny story from me, well it was when my 3 year old granddaughter told it.

Both grandchildren sitting at the dinner table, 5 yr old grandson told mum that he had pins and needles in his hand, she told him to give it a shake and they would disappear.

3 year old granddaughter was also at the table and taking too long to eat her dinner, mum told her to hurry up but her reply was “I can’t I have peas and beans in my hands”, I think she meant pins and needles like her brother.
Needless to say my daughter and I were laughing so much we were crying.


Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst….my wife came home with no panties!!”

That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…..”From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”

Think before you lie

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
Continue reading Think before you lie