"He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you." –Adam Christing
Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault.
Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Girl: I’m very competitive.
Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they’re all going to be cured anyway. News Flash …. this just in. The world’s religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."
If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,
‘Talking Dog for Sale.’
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..’ You talk?’ he asked.’Yes,’ the Lab replied. ‘So, what’s the story?’
The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’ ‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. ‘Ten euros.’ the man said. ‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.’
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’
demanded the rep.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board .
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’ ‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer…
My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.
"Do you know what they say?"
"I’m afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."
"Cheap, but good." — Mike Goodell, Apopka, Fla.
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware."
A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."
IQ test ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.
Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. This is so cool…..
Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2
double letters..
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well.
A year 4 student came up to me and asked " Mr Harmer, what is a shi tzu? I replied, " well it’s a little dog that is usually white and fluffy." She replied, " my mum told me it was a zoo with no animals!"
Further to the kids’ riddles:
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A. Do you think he saw us, Rex?
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?"
replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her appendix out!"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
Q. What’s the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
A. Weeders Digest.
Q. What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A. They have got lots of scare cases.
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do you think he saw us!
Q. What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A. A jelly baby.
Q. Why did the turkey join in the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks!
Q. What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A. His hoe hoe hoe!
Q. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Q. What would you get if all the cars in Australia were red?
A. A red carnation.
Q. What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A. A centipede with sore feet!
Q. How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Ready teddy go!
Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper!
Q. What do you call a lazy skeleton?
A. Bone idle!
Q. Where do fish wash?
A. In the river basin!
Q. What do you call a fairy who hasn’t had a wash for a week?
A. Stinkerbell!
Q. What has a pelican got in common with the Water company?
A. They both have large bills!
Q. What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A. Tarzi pan.
Q. How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A. Take away it’s credit cards!
Q. What do snowmen have for supper?
A. Iceburgers!
Q. Why do bakers work so hard?
A. Because they need the dough!
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, ‘YOU’RE NEXT’.
They stopped that rubbish after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.
"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"
Last year I entered the Melbourne Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies. Brunette, by the way!!
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
I have just read yet another article on the dangers of heavy drinking
It really scared me
So that’s it
After today, no more reading!!
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted".
The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.
Some university students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’"
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 98."
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." –P. J. O’Rourke
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the CASA Flight Operations Inspectors, and the CASA FOI arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.
"What’s that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, "but you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.
"There is no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from."
In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"
Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."
My wife came home from the doctor’s the other day and told me the doctor said she couldn’t make love. I’ve known this for years, but I want to know how he found out.
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar:
"He lives in a home with eight children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
I was in Safeway the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.
I said to him, ‘Sorry about that I’m looking for my wife, and I really wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.
The young man said, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’ I said, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy said, ‘Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?’
I said… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.’
Most of us Old Blokes are helpful like that.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
My children have succeeded in driving their mother crazy.
So complete is their success that I find myself frequently uttering these once unthinkable words: "Honey, you need to get out. Go ahead, call a friend and escape for a while.
I’ll take care of these—things."
With that, she’s out the door in 2.5 minutes. She called me from her cell shortly thereafter, "Hi, Honey. What time would you like me home?"
"Anytime," I said. "Just have fun."
"OK," she said excitedly. "See you Sunday."
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
