The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.

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A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back."

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
11. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’

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Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"

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"Obama held his first news conference today, as president- elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense." -Jimmy Kimmel

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A definition of golf

An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.

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A nice story – will make you appreciate family . . …
however for most of us, it’s too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ‘And always remember this thing,’
she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’

‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.

She answered in her soft Scottish voice. ‘Makes your d i c k look bigger.’

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

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I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside For a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast. — David Yost

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Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Student: "A teacher."

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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn’t happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I’m getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that’s pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn’t matter which twelve hours you work."

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The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

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Quote of the Week ‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’ Thomas Jefferson 1802

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two cannibals were sitting down and were in the middle of feasting on a couple of clowns when one cannibal stopped eating and said to the other.. “Did that taste a bit funny to you?”

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One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”

“Yes,”

“Well, today I didn’t do it!”

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A traveling salesman knocked on a farmer’s door late one night and requested a place to sleep for the night.

“We’re a little tight on space,” said the farmer, “so I’m going to have to put you in with my three sons.”

“Oh, pardon me,” said the salesman, “I must be in the wrong joke.”

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One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The bartender asked the pirate ” Where did you get that peg leg from ?”

The Pirate responded” We were sailing overseas when a big ol’ shark came up to me while I was a swimmin’ and bit off me leg!”

Later the Bartender asked” Where did you get that hook from then ?” The Pirate responded ” Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone”.

The Bartender then asked” Where did you get that eye patch from ?” The Pirate said ” In a harbour . .I looked at a gull flying overhead and it took a dump right in me eye !”

The Bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, “How would that make you get an eye patch ?”

The pirate responded, “First day with the hook!”

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When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. —Frederick Ryder

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A man approached a beautiful young woman in a supermarket and asked, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

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I went to a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, “If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose.”

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A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. “I’ve locked myself out of my car” replies the man. “That’s not a problem” replied the passer-by, “Step out of the way,and let me try rubbing my b u m on the door”.

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there’s no harm in it letting the man try – it might be worth a laugh. The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver’s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.

“That’s amazing!” says the motorist, “How did you do it?” “It’s easy” replies the pedestrian,……………………. “I’m wearing khaki trousers”

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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. —Milton Berle

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“Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”-Groucho Marx

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It is reported that Dorothy Parker was once asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence.

She promptly said, “You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.”

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When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your hus- band came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’

The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Justbe gone by the time I get back’.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A resourceful pooch is on the run in northern England after using a trampoline to catapult himself out of his fenced yard. Harvey, a squat Staffordshire bull terrier, apparently bounced his way to freedom after being unable to make it over the fence of his family’s yard in York.

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Pilot: “Have you ever flown in a small plane before?”

Passenger: “No, I have not.”

Pilot: “Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears popping.”

Pilot (after the plane landed): “Did the gum help?”

Passenger: “Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.”

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Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

“Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”

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I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?”

“Morning Sickness.”

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An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said.
“Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!!!”

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When insults had class

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Winston Churchill
• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
• “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx
• “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” Oscar Wilde
• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” John Bright
• “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” Irvin S. Cobb
• “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” Samuel Johnson
• “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating
• “He had delusions of adequacy.” Walter Kerr
• “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Mae West

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Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions”that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”

She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”

Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”

Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, Teach a person to use the Internet And they won’t bother you for weeks

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Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, “I don’t know about this. We’ve been out here all day and haven’t caught a single duck. Do you think we’re doing something wrong?”

“I don’t know,” replied the other. “Maybe we’re not throwing the dog high enough.”

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During a history lesson on the French Revolution an inattentive young lad was asked by his teacher if knew the nationality of Napoleon Bonaparte. Without thinking the boy answered “Course I Can”.

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One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, “Well, did he?”

“Did he what?”

“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?” she asked.

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “I believe it’s Wedding Cake?”

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Here is a funny story from me, well it was when my 3 year old granddaughter told it.

Both grandchildren sitting at the dinner table, 5 yr old grandson told mum that he had pins and needles in his hand, she told him to give it a shake and they would disappear.

3 year old granddaughter was also at the table and taking too long to eat her dinner, mum told her to hurry up but her reply was “I can’t I have peas and beans in my hands”, I think she meant pins and needles like her brother.
Needless to say my daughter and I were laughing so much we were crying.

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Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst….my wife came home with no panties!!”

That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…..”From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”

Think before you lie

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”