The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.

"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."


An Arab Sheikh’s son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I’m a bit ashamed to arrive to school in my gold Mercedes when all my friends arrive by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a million dollar cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us any more, go and get yourself a train too"


"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself." –Johnny Carson


Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a dusty closet. After several weeks of boredom one turned to the other and asked, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?"

"Got me," admitted his companion. "If we had any guts we’d bust out of here."


Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’


When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern. Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died.

The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed, "Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd."


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’
she replied, ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’


A bloke is wandering through the desert. Deprived of water for many days on end, he is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he stumbles across three market stalls set up in the middle of the sandy dunes.

He crawls up to the first stall. "Water, water! Please give me water!" He begs.

"I’m sorry," says the first stallholder, "I sell nothing but jelly and custard."

The bloke crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water!
Give me water!" He cries.

"I’m sorry," says the second stallholder, "I sell nothing but cream and sponge."

The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water!
Please, please! Give me water!" He yells.

"I’m so sorry," says the third stallholder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."

"I can’t believe none of you has any water," gasps the bloke.

"I know," says the third stallholder, "it is a trifle bazaar."


As we were preparing for communion I explained to my son the symbolism of the bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. In the Uniting Church the wine is served in individual thimble sized glasses brought around on a tray.

Having returned to our seats after our communion my son noticed someone walking from the church kitchen with another tray of wine prepared for those still waiting for communion. At the top of his voice he says: "Gee they must have a lot of blood out in the kitchen!"


Various sayings over the years.

  • Nobody yet as ever started a serious fight while he was laughing.
  • The door to happiness opens outwards.
  • The first duty of love is to listen.
  • Every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
  • Make peace with ourselves.
  • A man is never so tall as when he stoops to help a child.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again..

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old…

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful rats should remember….fairies are female..


"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." – George Clemenceau,
1841-1921


Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?
A: Marlboro since, every nite, you have to take him out for a drag!

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up and tree and act like a nut!

Q: What’s the difference between the Sun & a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East & the other from yeast!

Update 13th April ’07

I hope you had a terrific easter and ate loads of hot cross buns and chocolate.

If you haven’t seen already, we took a photo of Joshua for the easter season, you can view it here.
I’m working on some new footage of Joshua, so I hope to have another video available soon.

Joshua is 5 Months, 2 Weeks and 4 days old today.
You can check how old Joshua is at any stage by checking out the “How Old is Joshua Ethan Hodge” blog post. He is starting to cut his top teeth, but strangely enough, not the middle two, but the sharp pointy ones either side. So we are going through heaps of bibs and outfits as he dribbles all over them.
Mental note: buy more bibs…
We have an outfit which we think is cursed, as every time he has worn it, he has had a power chuck on them.

We had a nice long weekend, and Mum and Dad came to visit on Monday, so I took Tuesday and Wednesday off to spend time with them while they were here (6 day weekend!!). My parents are in the North Island at the moment as my sister Christine is now 1 week overdue with her first child. She doesn’t know what it is going to be, so we are extremely excited for her and want to wish her all the best for the birth and the amazing months she has ahead of her.

Our wood shed is completely full now, and we are beginning to burn some wood on these cold days.
We are investing in a 3 room heat transfer kit this weekend to better move the heat around the house from our fireplace, should be a piece of cake to install…. Jason has lent me his jigsaw and everything, so I can cut holes in the roof, Kim is very concerned. Stay tuned for updates.

Hey Rattray’s! – don’t forget, it’s Lee’s birthday next Friday.

Great to see Rove back on TV 3 friday nights again, so as Rove says…
“Say Hi to your mum for me.”

Ciao

One Year to the Day Photos

Well it is now one year to the day, that I sold my 1998 Suzuki GSX-R750 sports bike.

It was Easter weekend 2006, an interesting time our life, Kim was pregnant with Joshua at around 16 weeks and we only owned the bike and Kim’s compact two door 1991 Honda Prelude with little room in the backseat for anything, let alone a baby capsule, and don’t get me started on the boot size of that thing, it was pathetic.
We had the need, and it was no longer for speed! – it was for child safety and luggage size!

So I made the decision to put the bike on the market, thinking that it would take a while to sell.
Well not even a week after my listing was up on TradeMe, I got a call from a Papamoa resident wanting to come over and ‘have a look’. After a quick inspection, we was off on a test ride with his wife and young son waiting behind. The time seamed to stand still as I waited for him to return from his ride.

Upon his return he offered me my asking price in cash, so I took a few minutes to consider the repercussions of not having a motorcycle to go for liberating rides around all of the bay of plenty during sunny afternoons and weekends.
Thinking of the future with Joshua, it had to be done as we needed to invest in a larger car to carry baby stuff, and I knew this but didn’t want to admit it. So I accepted his offer and he rode the bike away moments later.

It was perfect timing really as we had found the Legnum on TradeMe days before and selling the bike aloud us to purchase this car at a bargain price, and it’s been a little gem, we can’t imagine not having a car with a reasonable sized boot anymore.

These are the last few photos I took of my bike before I sold it.

View Photos

I have got my eyes set on a newer model of the GSXR750 and one day soon, I’ll get on the road again.