The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love Ebay…Sold my homing pigeon eight times this month !!


I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,
they remind me of some co-workers.
They all hang together,
half of them don’t work,
and the ones that do aren’t that bright.


Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the buttocks in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


You know that you are in your second childhood when you have to return with your bottle of pills and ask the pharmacist to remove the childproof cap.
Happened to me so many times I asked him to note in his computer, "Don’t use childproof cap".


CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 21st October 2011

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 21st, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along.
And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 24th October 2011

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 25th October 2011

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 26th October 2011

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, L*sbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’ desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**ing Employees

DATE: 27th October 2011

RE: The F….. Holiday Party.

Vegetarians… I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your f,,,,,, salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Witch from HELL!!!

————————————————————————–

FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )

TO: All Employees

DATE: 28th October 2011

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Benson.


While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes involuntarily followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you’re in?"


I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I’m doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I’m quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I’m always talking on mine."


Q: Why did the casino’s black-jack person go see a shrink?
A: He couldn’t deal with it any more.

Q: Why did the magazine editor go see a shrink?
A: He had some issues.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: A Buccaneer!

Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
A: He saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why don’t astronauts relate well to other people?
A: They’re not always down-to-earth.

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.

The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "What are you going to use this fertilizer for?"

The man said, "For my strawberries."

The boy replied, "Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries."

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies