Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father and his young son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.

"Don’t know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity."

A few blocks father on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.

"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."

The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked, "Pop, I hope you don’t mind my asking so many questions…"

"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I was driving around and around a packed parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

"Going out?" I called to them hopefully.

"No," said the man. "Just friends."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

---

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to debating the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,”
said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

---

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

---

Two guys are in a bar talking.

"I fought over a girl last night."

"Oh, yeah? With whom?"

"With my wife."

---

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."

---

What is the difference between Bird ‘flu and Swine ‘flu?
For bird ‘flu you need tweetment and for swine ‘flu you need oinkment.

---

Some Harry Potter riddles

Q: What do you call a boy wizard with a really bad case of the runs?
A: Harry Plopper.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is really good at absorbing ink?
A: Harry Blotter.

Q: What is the name of the author who has made billions and billions and billions of dollars out of Harry Potter?
A: J.K. Rowling-In-It.

Q: What do you call a film about a boy wizard who is deeply unhappy with the level of service he has received from a one-hour photo lab?
A: Harry Potter and the Half-Dark Prints.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is planning the overthrow of the government?
A: Harry Plotter.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter who?
(pause) What, are you kidding?

Q: Why is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the cleanest campus in the world?
A: Everybody has a broom.

---

"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better." –Margot Black

---

So what have we learned in 2,063 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." – Cicero – 55 BC

Evidently nothing…

---

Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time–her own and mine."

---

I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.

It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."

---

Thanks very much for the ongoing humour. I take them to read to my 82 year old mother in the nursing home to cheer her up. She has been a source of a few stories in the past and I have now one more to add.

My mother was having a dream and was yelling out loud "
mother where are you" The women in the next bed to her in the nursing home answered in her sleep " I am here"

The nurse came in hearing voices and asked what’s the matter? Where’s my mother she asked, I just heard her call out to me?

---

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don’t rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Diane’s story about the Chinese calligraphy on her sweater reminded me of the T-shirt which I purchased from a clothes chain. I thought it very smart with Chinese characters across the front, cinched in at the waist, except that when I walked through Melbourne’s Chinatown I noticed folk looking at me with a little smile then quickly averting their gaze.

Wondering, I took my fashion item down to the local fish and chip shop where the Chinese guy who spoke English took it out the back to his mother who could read Chinese. He came back with a big smile on his face and told me that my T-shirt said ‘These mountains are beautiful’.

---

Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation’s economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

---

What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question?" Asked the librarian.

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M..!" the librarian said, "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M." "Who said I wanted to get in?", the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

---

"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’"
–Peter Kay

---

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." –Wendell Johnson

---

Some of the artists of the 60′s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They
include:

Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker ..

The Bee Gees — – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

Abba— Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy— I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least: Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again

---

‘I became a member of The Secret Seven. It’s so secret, I don’t even know who the other six are… ‘

 

I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, ‘what seems to be the problem?’ I said ‘you have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf.’

 

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.

 

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

---

Heard this joke this morning, though you might wish to use it:

Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the Juggler!!!!

---

"My father spent the last 20 years of his life writing letters. If someone thanked him for a wedding present, he thanked them for thanking him and there was no end to the exchange but death." -Evelyn Waugh

---

"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon

---

"You’ve got a good lawyer to take care of the estate?"
asked her mother.

"Oh, don’t talk to me about lawyers," said the recent widow angrily. "I’ve had so much trouble over the property.
Sometimes I wish Frank had never died."

---

This would be funny if it wasn’t true!!!!! It actually happened last week.

We have a small hotel in South West country Victoria and were requested by the Local Council fire officer to clear our block in mid March.(Fire orders usually go out in
November) We were surprised as it was potentially dangerous to do it at that time. We asked if the order could be waived as the fire period was nearly over and it would rain soon anyway.

We were told "no the block had to be cleared."

We then approached the CFA back burn for us. Unfortunately they told us that the block had to have ploughed earth for a distance of 5 metres around the boundary.

It is not possible to do this as the block is very rocky and very steep where it runs down to a creek. To do so would be unsafe.

In the interim it rained holding us up from mowing as it was too wet.

We went back to Council and informed them that it was unsafe to mow the block due to the slope and that the rocky terrain could cause a fire if sparks were created by hitting a rock with the mower.

We were told to do the best you can!!!.

So we did …..To avoid a fine we pulled out the mower on the last day and started to mow the block.

As expected, the mower hit a rock, caused a spark and set alight to the block.

The first thing to catch alight was the mower which is now a write off. However the sight of me trying to reverse a flaming mower out of the inferno screaming "Fire" "Fire"
raised some mirth from the locals.

Naturally the fire brigade was called and the fire was put out. We are now considering putting the charred remnants of the mower in front of the property to promote a new business with a sign saying "Lawn mowing services. Hot prices available."

Next year we are going to commission the council to clear the site for us and sell tickets to the pending entertainment.

The toasted marshmallows should be a hit.