The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stock market quote of the week

“This is worse than a divorce… I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have my wife.”

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"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." —Mark Twain

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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, ‘I know what the Bible means!’ His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means? The son replied, ‘I do know!’

‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy…’ the young boy replied excitedly, ‘
It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

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After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife went to a marriage counselor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you’re not eating right."

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Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?"

The man said, "I’ll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I’d better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."

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There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."

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"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." —Demetri Martin

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"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date."—Caroline Rhea

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"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." —Dave Barry

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I’ve been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellas, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father’s mouth is agape.

"That was beautiful," said the dad.

The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn’t get into it and I should have faded it a little more."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I’ve left a tricky little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven’t played much lately, and I’m a little rusty. "Maybe I’ll really get into this next drive."

Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde’s ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to the her.
"That’s a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Touche

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, ‘You must be a dentist.’

The guy, surprised, says, ‘Yes…. How did you figure that out?’

‘Easy,’ she replied, ‘you keep washing your hands.’

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, ‘You must be a good dentist.’

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, ‘Sure, I’m a good dentist, how did you figure that out?’

‘I didn’t feel a thing.’

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Had a funny incident happen at the movies the other day.

I went to see Mama Mia and sat in front of three young girls about 16yrs old. The were fine, chatted a bit and made a few comic comments but towards the end as Colin Firth is taking his shirt off in one of the scenes and I am having flash backs to Mr Darcy, I hear from the girls behind me ‘ew gross’. It made me laugh out loud!!

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Wish I could think so quickly.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, ‘Are all of those kids yours?’

He replied,’No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.’

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A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

"I’m really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I’m always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I’m not allowed on the couch.

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This is a true story:

My 5yo niece wanted to watch a movie advertised on TV that was rated M. She asked why she couldn’t watch it when told it was for adults only. Her grandfather said it might have sex and violence in it. She said that would be OK. When asked if she knew what they meant, she replied with, "Sex is when you look all sexy, and violence smells nice (she meant ‘Violets’).

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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Q ,What do you call a Muslim that fly’s an airplane ?
A. A pilot

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The Cowgirl went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being "well endowed".
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don’t be flattered," she said, "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . . "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

What’s the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but…I have the breasts of an 18 year old.

"The husband replies . . . "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

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A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’ ‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently…… ….but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has’ says the bloke.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .

‘We’re having a new kitchen.

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"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.

As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, ‘What’s this?’ It’s a Lion,’ the boy replied. ‘That’s good,’ said Grandfather. ‘And what’s this in the next one?’ ‘Its tiger’ replied the boy.

‘Well done,’ said Grandfather ‘you’re so clever. And what’s the big one over there.’ ‘It’s a fricking elephant.’ Said the boy gleefully. ‘What did you say,’ queried the Grandfather? ‘A fricking elephant,’ he repeated. ‘And where did you learn that?’ asked Grandfather sternly. ‘Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!

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Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

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The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish city office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a cent to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army ?’

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, ‘Uh… no, I didn’t know that.’

‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘my brother, a disabled Vietnam veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and their six children.’

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. ‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’

And the lawyer says, ‘So…if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?

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While watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

‘Excuse me,’ I said, ‘I can’t hear.’

‘I should hope not,’ she replied sharply. ‘This is a private conversation.’

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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’ Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……
……. . . .

“Bug gers won’t let me far t.’

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‘According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.’ -Jay Leno

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Funny things are all around us……….

I was standing in a shopping centre and a young dad walked past me with a toddler in a trolley. The toddler was earnestly trying to tell him something important but it just came out as babble. The dad stopped walking, looked straight at the little guy and said ‘I’m sorry mate but I don’t speak Swahili!’

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO…..,’ answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’

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Two guys are in a bar talking.

‘I fought over a girl last night.’

‘Oh, yeah? With whom?’

‘With my wife.’

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tam pons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’ ‘Eight,’the boy replied.

The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me.
They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either one.’

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Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he’d tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the ‘Irish Times Newspaper’
said…………………

“OYSTERS KILL PATRICK”

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My Pop is so forgetful he once spent three hours in a grandfather clock trying to make a phone call.

Father of one of my kids?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’