The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.


I always find that the first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest


So good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, sure dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub in Westport in the County Mayo, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.

He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?” There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.” Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

True story

A friend’s teenage son sat down at their kitchen table at 10 o’clock at night and poured himself some cereal. His mother asked him if he wanted some more dinner, as there was some left over in the fridge. He told her that he wasn’t really hungry but that he had to leave the house early in the morning and wouldn’t have time to eat breakfast then.

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’" -Jimmy Fallon


It’s just dawned on me….

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. Her girlfriend is fond of playing online slots that is why she loved claiming slot deposit bonuses every time she encountered one.

“It’s me or the magazines,” Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.


Barry calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”

“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.

“I can’t see myself coming into work today,” says Barry.

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you." -Jay Leno


Traveling is a major part of my wife’s job as a saleswoman, and it’s not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week.

I hadn’t thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It’s so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them..’


On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’


I returned from my normal round of golf late last Sunday and my wife asked me why I had been so long. "All was fine "I said "until at the 11th hole, Fred had a cardiac arrest and died on the spot." "That’s terrible" my wife said.
"No kidding. For the rest of the round it was a case of hit a shot, drag Fred, hit a shot, drag Fred".


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then said, "You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks … "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said … "Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I’m Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles..


"Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing petrol from parked cars. Victims said they hadn’t felt that robbed since they put the petrol INTO their car." -Jimmy Fallon


A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quiet rest.

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.

So my sister’s friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can’t believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!"


Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room, waits for some news.

A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and bad news. The good news – he’ll make a full recovery. The bad news – he’ll be a vegetable for life."


Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.

One woman complained that she remained an ‘apple-shape’ and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.

Her buddy agreed, saying, "It’s true. The lard works in mysterious ways."


A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience.

Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"


After a busy day commuters settled down on their train train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:- "Hi darling it’s Peter, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting – no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart" etc.
This was still going on after many minutes , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"


Q. What do you call a Greek parachutist?
A. Con Descending.

Q: Why did the leper baseball pitcher retire?
A: He threw his arm out.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roaming Catholic.

Q: Why didn’t Superman know he could fly?
A: Because he didn’t know his "Cape Abilities"

Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide in a bush and make a noise like a Carrot.

Q: What is hairy and coughs?
A: A coconut with a cold.

Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because it was too heavy to carry.

Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father and his young son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.

"Don’t know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity."

A few blocks father on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.

"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."

The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked, "Pop, I hope you don’t mind my asking so many questions…"

"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love Ebay…Sold my homing pigeon eight times this month !!


I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,
they remind me of some co-workers.
They all hang together,
half of them don’t work,
and the ones that do aren’t that bright.


Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the buttocks in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


You know that you are in your second childhood when you have to return with your bottle of pills and ask the pharmacist to remove the childproof cap.
Happened to me so many times I asked him to note in his computer, "Don’t use childproof cap".


CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 21st October 2011

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 21st, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along.
And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 24th October 2011

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 25th October 2011

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 26th October 2011

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, L*sbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’ desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!

Pauline.

————————————————————————–

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**ing Employees

DATE: 27th October 2011

RE: The F….. Holiday Party.

Vegetarians… I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your f,,,,,, salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Witch from HELL!!!

————————————————————————–

FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )

TO: All Employees

DATE: 28th October 2011

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Benson.


While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes involuntarily followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you’re in?"


I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I’m doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I’m quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I’m always talking on mine."


Q: Why did the casino’s black-jack person go see a shrink?
A: He couldn’t deal with it any more.

Q: Why did the magazine editor go see a shrink?
A: He had some issues.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: A Buccaneer!

Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
A: He saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why don’t astronauts relate well to other people?
A: They’re not always down-to-earth.

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That’s us in 10 years."
She said, "That’s a mirror, you fool!"


Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We’re short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can’t give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

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