Tiger Woods Jokes

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

Tiger is changing his name to “Cheetah”

Tiger is the first golfer to hit a water hazard and then a tree in the same drive!

Tiger just got kicked off the Ryder Cub team. …. He keeps getting beat by a European

Might have been worse Tiger, you could have lost your putter!

What was the points on the citation given to tiger by the Florida State Police?
Tree-under

That’s what happens when you put your driver in someone elses bag.

What course gives tiger the most trouble?
Intercourse

I hear that their relationship is in the rough!

If only Tiger had hit a mailbox and stop sign as well, he could have completed the Grand Slam!

I heard Tiger’s wife is now being sponsored by a golf club manufacturer.
The tag line: Get the club that beats Tiger!

When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied “I’m not sure, put me down for a 5″

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common?
Both were clubbed by a Norwegian.

Why was Tiger in such a hurry at 2:30?
He was late getting to the next hole.

“Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty – if the cops would have arrived a minute later he’d have lost the other one as well”.

Tough year for tiger. 2nd time he has been beaten by a nine iron

Nike wants to drop their endorsement, apparently Tigers balls go everywhere.

What’s the difference between Tiger’s Escalade and his pitching wedge?
He can hit his wedge over water hazards and trees.

New Nike “TW” hat……..$25
New Nike Golf Shoes……$125
New Cadillac Escalade….$60,000
New Nike Iron, wrapped around your head, By jealous wife..
……PRICELESS ! !

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I was reading my class a story titled ‘The Magic School Bus.’ In the story, the bus turns into a spaceship and the teacher takes the class on a tour of the planets. At one point, a tail light gets smashed and the teacher goes out in a spacesuit to fix it. Suddenly, the line that ties her to the rocket breaks and she floats off into space, leaving the children alone.

I asked my class of six-year-olds how they would feel and what they might do if they were on the bus. "I’d scream like a woman!" the first little fellow declared.

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My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the Car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don’t Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."

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My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, "Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home."

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Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

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Not so far from the truth from Julie(see last week)

Many years ago as a boy we visited my mother’s parents in Richmond, Victoria and got there just as they were finishing lunch.

The ‘Old Boy’ was looking distinctly down-in-the-mouth as he wiped his face with a napkin and Mum asked him what he was grouchy about.

"What do you think I’m annoyed at?" he said: I got sausages and bread for my lunch and the damn dog got half a roast chook your mother cooked for her!"

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Fun with words

• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

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"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." –Stephen Leacock

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"Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens." –Nick Diamos

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"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." –Samuel Butler

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My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."

"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it."

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I’m fat."

"No, you’re not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I’ve never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.

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3 on Grandparents

My grandson was visiting one day when he said "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.

 

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize. "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."

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Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*

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What’s the difference a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes "Thwack! …Darn" ……………..

while the other goes "Darn! …Thwack."

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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Some true ‘nurse’ events

Nurse Meg, noticed in friend’s property a man working in a large digger doing a very spectacular excavation job, while smoking a cigarette. So asked the digger "are you digging your own grave?" … with a few choice comments on smoking cessation!

The staff at the local After Hours Medical Centre were wearing dancing piggy stickers attached to their name
badges- great for camaraderie during the Swine Flu epidemic, and put a few smiles on the patients faces.

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, ‘What’s your name?’ asked the chicken.

‘Bond, James Bond. What’s yours?’

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’

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We have a teacher at our school who is a genius at fixing computers. When a student complains that their computer isn’t working, he just says "That’s okay, you can use the encyclopedias instead". Instantly the kid has no problems.

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A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What’s that" said the Texan. "That’s the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What’s that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday."

I’m On A Boat (ft. T-Pain)

This is some funny shit!
Only just thought of adding it here, these guys also do a great video called ‘Jizz in my Pants‘

httpvhd://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU

Check out the Lonely Island YouTube channel and subscribe to get their latest videos.

Jizz In My Pants

My brother Jason showed me this video today and I haven’t been able to stop laughing about it since.
Keep a look out for the facial expressions!

httpvhd://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4