Tiger Woods Jokes

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

Tiger is changing his name to “Cheetah”

Tiger is the first golfer to hit a water hazard and then a tree in the same drive!

Tiger just got kicked off the Ryder Cub team. …. He keeps getting beat by a European

Might have been worse Tiger, you could have lost your putter!

What was the points on the citation given to tiger by the Florida State Police?

That’s what happens when you put your driver in someone elses bag.

What course gives tiger the most trouble?

I hear that their relationship is in the rough!

If only Tiger had hit a mailbox and stop sign as well, he could have completed the Grand Slam!

I heard Tiger’s wife is now being sponsored by a golf club manufacturer.
The tag line: Get the club that beats Tiger!

When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied “I’m not sure, put me down for a 5”

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common?
Both were clubbed by a Norwegian.

Why was Tiger in such a hurry at 2:30?
He was late getting to the next hole.

“Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty – if the cops would have arrived a minute later he’d have lost the other one as well”.

Tough year for tiger. 2nd time he has been beaten by a nine iron

Nike wants to drop their endorsement, apparently Tigers balls go everywhere.

What’s the difference between Tiger’s Escalade and his pitching wedge?
He can hit his wedge over water hazards and trees.

New Nike “TW” hat……..$25
New Nike Golf Shoes……$125
New Cadillac Escalade….$60,000
New Nike Iron, wrapped around your head, By jealous wife..

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I was reading my class a story titled ‘The Magic School Bus.’ In the story, the bus turns into a spaceship and the teacher takes the class on a tour of the planets. At one point, a tail light gets smashed and the teacher goes out in a spacesuit to fix it. Suddenly, the line that ties her to the rocket breaks and she floats off into space, leaving the children alone.

I asked my class of six-year-olds how they would feel and what they might do if they were on the bus. "I’d scream like a woman!" the first little fellow declared.

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the Car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don’t Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."

My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, "Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home."

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

Not so far from the truth from Julie(see last week)

Many years ago as a boy we visited my mother’s parents in Richmond, Victoria and got there just as they were finishing lunch.

The ‘Old Boy’ was looking distinctly down-in-the-mouth as he wiped his face with a napkin and Mum asked him what he was grouchy about.

"What do you think I’m annoyed at?" he said: I got sausages and bread for my lunch and the damn dog got half a roast chook your mother cooked for her!"

Fun with words

  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." –Stephen Leacock

"Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens." –Nick Diamos

"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." –Samuel Butler

My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."

"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it."

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….


The Fabulous Friday Funnies

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I’m fat."

"No, you’re not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I’ve never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.

3 on Grandparents

My grandson was visiting one day when he said "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.


A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize. "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."

Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*

What’s the difference a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes "Thwack! …Darn" ……………..

while the other goes "Darn! …Thwack."

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Some true ‘nurse’ events

Nurse Meg, noticed in friend’s property a man working in a large digger doing a very spectacular excavation job, while smoking a cigarette. So asked the digger "are you digging your own grave?" … with a few choice comments on smoking cessation!

The staff at the local After Hours Medical Centre were wearing dancing piggy stickers attached to their name
badges- great for camaraderie during the Swine Flu epidemic, and put a few smiles on the patients faces.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, ‘What’s your name?’ asked the chicken.

‘Bond, James Bond. What’s yours?’

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’

We have a teacher at our school who is a genius at fixing computers. When a student complains that their computer isn’t working, he just says "That’s okay, you can use the encyclopedias instead". Instantly the kid has no problems.

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What’s that" said the Texan. "That’s the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What’s that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

English Chinese
That’s not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa

UK Quiz Answers

Some of these are hilarious, I ended up crying with laughter…. enjoy

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers"?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester ..

Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

Alex Trelinski: What’s the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?
Caller: Mohicans.

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry; I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .

Q: What is the world’s largest continent?
A: The Pacific

Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err…
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

Chris Moyles: Which ‘s’ is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with ‘s’ and rhymes with ‘perm’.
Contestant: Shark.

O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico ?

Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton.

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word – CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it’s not in Scotland , is it?

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ‘j’ is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Dual carriageway

Greg Scott: We’re looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it’s ‘T’. ‘T’ for Tommy. ‘T’ for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.

Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab….?
Caller: Five.

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm…
Presenter: Well, let’s put it this way – he didn’t see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): ‘Jambon’ is the French for which food?
11 per cent of the audience: Jam.

DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales .

Forsyth: What is India ‘s currency?
Contestant: Ramadan.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 33.

Improve your laugh life.

Add fun to the relationship by,

  • meeting for lunch in an unusual place,
  • leaving love notes around the house,
  • going to comedy shows together,
  • arranging a surprise party and
  • sending funny emails to each other.

“According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 – Social Security broke. Once again, I don’t think President Bush understands this issue. He said, ‘2052, that’s okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.'” -Jay Leno

A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages.

“An whut animal would that be?” he asked the keeper.

“That’s a moose from Canada,” came the reply.

“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “Hoots man – they must ha’ rrrats like elephants ower there!”

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” To the Irishman he says, “You’re in charge of shovelling.” And to the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”

He then says: “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.” So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the Pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replies in a heavy accent, “I Gotta no broom. You say the Chinese-a guy that a he was in-a charge of-a supplies, but he no here, he hasa disappeared and I could no find-a him.”

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks, “Didn’t I leave you in charge of shovelling, why didn’t you shovel?” The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, “Aye, ye did, lad. But I counno find meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin’ that lad either.”

The foreman is really angry now, and yells, “Where in hell is that Chinese guy?” Just then, the Chinese fellow jumps from behind the pile of sand and Yells…..




The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break- fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

“How was it, Honey?” she asked when he’d finished.

“Well,” he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, “you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start.”

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a policeman signaled a car to pull over to the side.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

“Does your dog have a license?” he asked.

“Oh, no,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one; I always do the driving.”

“The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else.” —George Bernard Shaw

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

True story

I was travelling on an overseas trip with my wife last month. She was travelling business class (work) & I was back in economy on a frequent flier ticket. So (probably because she was feeling sorry for me), she encouraged me to buy a pair of high tech “noise cancelling” headphones at the airport.

In the coffee shop before boarding, she says “so will the earphones cancel out my voice when I’m talking to you?”. “No” I replied (without thinking), “they only eliminate constant whining noises”.

It then went very quiet for a while.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.

“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.

“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”

“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”

“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”

“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.

“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.

“Naw, sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”

“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”

“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”

A lot of people can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of WA.

Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.

Paul was planning a move into his new house, which is only two blocks away from his present house. So he called a moving company for an estimate. All that Paul wanted the moving company to move was his big, old grandfather clock. But the moving company wanted to charge $350. for this, so Paul decided that he would move it himself.

As he was on his way, he saw a drunk coming his way and tried to avoid him, but, still, the drunk walked right into him.

Paul angrily shouted, “Hey! Watch where you are going, you drunk bastard!”

The drunk replied, “You watch where you are going!”

Paul said, “No! You watch where YOU are going. Can’t you see that I’m carrying this clock?!”

The drunk said, “It’s your fault! Why don’t you just wear a watch like everyone else?”