Apr 10
Twouble with Twitters 
Thought this was pretty funny, great first scene – ‘just got to work’… more exciting than some tweets I’ve seen.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2HAroA12w
Twouble with Twitters
Apr 18
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
| English | Chinese |
|---|---|
| That’s not right! | Sum Ting Wong |
| Are you harbouring a fugitive? | Hu Yu Hai Ding |
| See me ASAP | Kum Hia Nao |
| Stupid Man | Dum Fuk |
| Small Horse | Tai Ni Po Ni |
| Did you go to the beach? | Wai Yu So Tan |
| I bumped into a coffee table! | Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni |
| I think you need a face lift! | Chin Tu Fat |
| It’s very dark in here! | Wai So Dim |
| I thought you were on a diet! | Wai Yu Mun Ching |
| This is a tow away zone! | No Pah King |
| Our meeting is scheduled for next week! | Wai Yu Kum Nao |
| Staying out of sight | Lei Ying Lo |
| He’s cleaning his automobile | Wa Shing Ka |
| Your body odour is offensive | Yu Stin Ki Pu |
| Great | Fa Kin Su Pa |
Feb 29
UK Quiz Answers
Some of these are hilarious, I ended up crying with laughter…. enjoy
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers"?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester ..
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What’s the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?
Caller: Mohicans.
RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry; I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world’s largest continent?
A: The Pacific
RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err…
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which ‘s’ is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with ‘s’ and rhymes with ‘perm’.
Contestant: Shark.
JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
THE VAULT (ITV)
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word – CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it’s not in Scotland , is it?
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ‘j’ is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Dual carriageway
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We’re looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it’s ‘T’. ‘T’ for Tommy. ‘T’ for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.
BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab….?
Caller: Five.
MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm…
Presenter: Well, let’s put it this way – he didn’t see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)
Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): ‘Jambon’ is the French for which food?
11 per cent of the audience: Jam.
DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales .
JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)
Forsyth: What is India ‘s currency?
Contestant: Ramadan.
Dec 11
Gish
Funny stuff by a NZ comedian. Great covers, really talented, so funny…
Enjoy.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Babypu3kT68
Nov 09
The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 33.
Improve your laugh life.
Add fun to the relationship by,
- meeting for lunch in an unusual place,
- leaving love notes around the house,
- going to comedy shows together,
- arranging a surprise party and
- sending funny emails to each other.
“According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 – Social Security broke. Once again, I don’t think President Bush understands this issue. He said, ’2052, that’s okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.’” -Jay Leno
A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages.
“An whut animal would that be?” he asked the keeper.
“That’s a moose from Canada,” came the reply.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “Hoots man – they must ha’ rrrats like elephants ower there!”
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” To the Irishman he says, “You’re in charge of shovelling.” And to the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”
He then says: “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.” So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the Pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replies in a heavy accent, “I Gotta no broom. You say the Chinese-a guy that a he was in-a charge of-a supplies, but he no here, he hasa disappeared and I could no find-a him.”
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks, “Didn’t I leave you in charge of shovelling, why didn’t you shovel?” The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, “Aye, ye did, lad. But I counno find meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin’ that lad either.”
The foreman is really angry now, and yells, “Where in hell is that Chinese guy?” Just then, the Chinese fellow jumps from behind the pile of sand and Yells…..
“SUPPLIES!!!”
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break- fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.
“How was it, Honey?” she asked when he’d finished.
“Well,” he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, “you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start.”
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a policeman signaled a car to pull over to the side.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
“Does your dog have a license?” he asked.
“Oh, no,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one; I always do the driving.”
“The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else.” —George Bernard Shaw
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
True story
I was travelling on an overseas trip with my wife last month. She was travelling business class (work) & I was back in economy on a frequent flier ticket. So (probably because she was feeling sorry for me), she encouraged me to buy a pair of high tech “noise cancelling” headphones at the airport.
In the coffee shop before boarding, she says “so will the earphones cancel out my voice when I’m talking to you?”. “No” I replied (without thinking), “they only eliminate constant whining noises”.
It then went very quiet for a while.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“Naw, sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ‘em.”
A lot of people can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of WA.
Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.
Paul was planning a move into his new house, which is only two blocks away from his present house. So he called a moving company for an estimate. All that Paul wanted the moving company to move was his big, old grandfather clock. But the moving company wanted to charge $350. for this, so Paul decided that he would move it himself.
As he was on his way, he saw a drunk coming his way and tried to avoid him, but, still, the drunk walked right into him.
Paul angrily shouted, “Hey! Watch where you are going, you drunk bastard!”
The drunk replied, “You watch where you are going!”
Paul said, “No! You watch where YOU are going. Can’t you see that I’m carrying this clock?!”
The drunk said, “It’s your fault! Why don’t you just wear a watch like everyone else?”
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Adrian Hodge
About
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
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