Lost Sky Remote?

So, after returning home from a couple of open homes today, we put Joshua in his walker while Kim and I prepared lunch for us all. After a few minutes Joshua was playing in the toilet and we didn’t think anything of it. We then sat down and had lunch while watching some SKY TV. After a few minutes during the next ad break, we wanted to change channels to see what else was on. Perplexed as to the where abouts of the sky remote, I went hunting around the lounge. Kim mentioned in passing that Joshua had it while in his walker a mere 5 minutes earlier. I then (dreading the possibility that the remote could be in the toilet) went to the toilet to check the bowl, and was surprised to discover the following…

Thanks Joshski!, first of many ‘OMG’ moments, I’m sure…

Flight of the Conchords – Business Time

Jason told me about this while they were over the other night, this is funny as hell!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

Hell explained by chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student however, wrote the following…

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the  temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it???

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I  sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

This student received an A+.

Who’s your daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing
‘father’s details;’ or putting it another way…. Who’s yo Daddy? These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
   fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the
   father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
   being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
   provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
   this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
   conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a
   man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
   If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his
   phone number? Thanks.
4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
   BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
   Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s
   had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
   awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was
   ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to
   do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
   the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
   Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
   same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,
   can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
   at the same time…. well, I don’t have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
   World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
    for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
    I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956
    Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
    like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

Some american woman are complete idiots!

Five or Nine Inches?

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’ ‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.” So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘She has’ says the bloke.
And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . . . . . . . .

‘We’re having a new kitchen.’