Joke of the Year
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
During one ‘generation gap’ quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find them here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn’t you hear what I said? I’ve made up my mind. Don’t try and stop me!"
"Who’s trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I’ll go with you."
"The reason most girls would rather have beauty than brains is that most men can see better than they can think."
Bill and Fred met in the bar, Bill sporting a new outfit.
"Nice threads," said Fred. "Where did you get them?" "My wife gave them to me as a surprise," responded Bill. "I came home from work early yesterday, and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps.
The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!’
My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!’ Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’ She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken’
A man went into a pub.
“Good evening, sir”, said the landlord, what would you like to drink?
“A large whiskey thank you”, said the man.
“That will £3.50" said the landlord.
“No”, said the man, “I distinctly remember you invited me to have a drink. I thought it was very kind of you”.
The landlord turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and ask for his support. The solicitor said that he was very sorry, but the landlord had definitely made an offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay. The landlord was furious and turned the man out, telling him never to come back again. But about 10 minutes later the man reappeared.
“I thought I told you never to come back”, the landlord said.
“I’ve never been here before my life”, said the man.
“Then you must have a double”, said landlord.
“Thank you very much, I will and I’m sure my solicitor friend would like one too.”
"Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time." –Dennis Miller
"People in L.A. don’t eat cereal, because they don’t like sugar because it’s bad for you. It’s OK to inject botulism into your face, but not to eat sugar!" -Craig Ferguson
Three North Queenslanders, Stretch, Bluey & Bazza, were working on a Telstra comunication tower: As they start their descent, Bazza slips and falls to his death.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, ‘Damn, someone should go and tell his wife.’ Stretch says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of XXXX.
Bluey says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Stretch?’
‘Bazza’s wife gave it to me,’ Stretch replies. ‘That’s unbelievable, you told a woman her husband was dead and she gave you beer?’
Well, not exactly’, Stretch says, ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bazza’s widow".’
She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.’ Then I said ‘I’ll bet you a case of XXXX you are.
A man was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s’ voice in the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?"
Surprised, he answered, "Thanks! I’d like chicken."
"You’re having soup, drongo. I was talking to the cat."
Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.
The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can’t outrun a bear."
The first guy gasps, "I don’t have to outrun a bear – I just have to outrun you."
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. "You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"
