The Fabulous Friday Funnies

It was the day after Christmas. The lawyer had gone out for the day, so the burglar, noticing this, broke into his house and stole all his Christmas gifts.

He was almost out of the house when a police officer pulled up to the house and promptly apprehended the man.

"You can’t arrest me!" the man exclaimed. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Movie Quotes – The First Drafts

The Godfather
"I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I’d jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?"

The Terminator
"I’ll be back. Do you need anything while I’m out?" Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That’s so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant"

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

That’s the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree…he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver

I find it’s a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can’t see the Woods for the trees.

Tiger’s wife went for him over a birdie.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.


I was asked to participate in a video for work, so I brought in a couple of outfits and played thespian for a day. At the end of the shoot, the receptionist eyed me suspiciously as I walked around in outfit number two. "Have you changed clothes?" she asked. "Or did I forget to go home?"


A snail was slithering along the street one day when he was attacked by two turtles. Later, the cops asked, "Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this to you?"

"No, it all happened so fast."


The game show contest ant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question — worth 500 points!

"To be today’s champion," the show’s smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa’s reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and … Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain ‘Olive’?"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing,

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer…


Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.


"This is little strange. A couple in England named their new daughter Kia because she was delivered in the back seat of a Kia. No one was happier than her older brother — Hospital Bed." -Jimmy Fallon


"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, and prays for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t til next Wednesday!"


One for golfers

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What’s the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron!
You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron."


I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.


CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2009
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

——————————————-

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 22nd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

——————————————-

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 23rd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

——————————————-

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2009
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, L*sbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!

Pauline.

——————————————-

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fuckng Employees
DATE: 25th October 2009
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.

Vegetarians… I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Witch from HELL!!!

——————————————-

FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 26th October 2009
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Benson.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘Its golf balls’.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked … ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’


After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

"I found the remote"


"My cousin was visiting from Melbourne and we were watching the Big Bathurst motor race that everyone in Australia watches once a year. I was quite proud of my weight loss, as I was much bigger when I last saw my cousin.

I was standing there, feeling quite good about myself and she asked me a question, with me thinking she asked ‘Are you holding Fluid?.’ I pulled my tummy in and stood up straight, thinking she was saying I was quite fat, holding fluid and all.

I stumbled and babbled a little over what to answer and she asked me again, as we watched the race ‘Are you Holden or Ford?’

No, I am not deaf!! But over the noise of those racing V8 Holden’s and Ford’s, that is what is sounded like. Then I breathed and let my tummy out just a little!!"


The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.

"Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line."


A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for s*x?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."


A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.


Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.

He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You’re on my side."


Kids in church

  • 3-year-old Reese : ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.’
  • A little boy was overheard praying: ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.’
  • One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
  • A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because people are sleeping.’

Tommy Cooper…. Part 1

  • This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  • I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
  • I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
    The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
  • I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’ I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
  • My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
  • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
  • I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
  • The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says:

SEX FROGS FOR SALE . . . . Only $20 each and comes with ‘complete’ instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter,’I’ll take one!’

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her flat, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what she reads :-

  1. Take a shower.
  2. Splash on some nice perfume.
  3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She does it all and quickly gets into bed with the frog . .
. …but she waits and to her surprise… nothing happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She reads the instructions again and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store immediately.’

So, she calls the pet store and the man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions but the damn frog just sits there!’

The man … looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and sternly says:

‘LISTEN TO ME… I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I’m fat."

"No, you’re not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I’ve never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.


3 on Grandparents

My grandson was visiting one day when he said "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.

 

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize. "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."


Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*


What’s the difference a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes "Thwack! …Darn" ……………..

while the other goes "Darn! …Thwack."


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Some true ‘nurse’ events

Nurse Meg, noticed in friend’s property a man working in a large digger doing a very spectacular excavation job, while smoking a cigarette. So asked the digger "are you digging your own grave?" … with a few choice comments on smoking cessation!

The staff at the local After Hours Medical Centre were wearing dancing piggy stickers attached to their name
badges- great for camaraderie during the Swine Flu epidemic, and put a few smiles on the patients faces.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, ‘What’s your name?’ asked the chicken.

‘Bond, James Bond. What’s yours?’

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’


We have a teacher at our school who is a genius at fixing computers. When a student complains that their computer isn’t working, he just says "That’s okay, you can use the encyclopedias instead". Instantly the kid has no problems.


A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What’s that" said the Texan. "That’s the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What’s that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to debating the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,”
said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"


Two guys are in a bar talking.

"I fought over a girl last night."

"Oh, yeah? With whom?"

"With my wife."


Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."


What is the difference between Bird ‘flu and Swine ‘flu?
For bird ‘flu you need tweetment and for swine ‘flu you need oinkment.


Some Harry Potter riddles

Q: What do you call a boy wizard with a really bad case of the runs?
A: Harry Plopper.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is really good at absorbing ink?
A: Harry Blotter.

Q: What is the name of the author who has made billions and billions and billions of dollars out of Harry Potter?
A: J.K. Rowling-In-It.

Q: What do you call a film about a boy wizard who is deeply unhappy with the level of service he has received from a one-hour photo lab?
A: Harry Potter and the Half-Dark Prints.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is planning the overthrow of the government?
A: Harry Plotter.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter who?
(pause) What, are you kidding?

Q: Why is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the cleanest campus in the world?
A: Everybody has a broom.


"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better." –Margot Black


So what have we learned in 2,063 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." – Cicero – 55 BC

Evidently nothing…


Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time–her own and mine."


I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.

It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."


Thanks very much for the ongoing humour. I take them to read to my 82 year old mother in the nursing home to cheer her up. She has been a source of a few stories in the past and I have now one more to add.

My mother was having a dream and was yelling out loud "
mother where are you" The women in the next bed to her in the nursing home answered in her sleep " I am here"

The nurse came in hearing voices and asked what’s the matter? Where’s my mother she asked, I just heard her call out to me?


A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don’t rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."


A friend’s young daughter heard a riddle in kindergarten and brought it home to tell her quite protective daddy.
Unfortunately, the little girl got the joke wrong, to her father’s obvious consternation.

The riddle was supposed to be "What kind of flower grows between your chin and your nose?". Unfortunately, the youngster said this: "What kind of flower grows between your legs?". The answer? Tulips!


While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."


A teacher was putting on a play of ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears.’ One student’s mother quickly gave her a cuddly brown costume for the baby bear and another lent two larger, snow white polar bear costumes for the mother and father bear. When it got to the part in the play where the father bear asked "Who’s been sleeping in my bed?" a parent from the back giggled, "You may well ask!"


Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he snapped.

"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."


After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"


Anyone who’s ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.

The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.

The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.


"It’s a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." -Craig Ferguson


An old favourite

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had s * x all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying B…..d! You’ve been playing golf!’


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ ‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’


A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."


I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."


Interesting thoughts to ponder….

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.