The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.

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I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep h er cool.. "That’s interesting,"
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."

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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Shell Petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

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My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

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"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.

My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’

‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.’" –Rita Rudner

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True story

A few days after visiting a pet store, my son (6 yrs) said to his mother. "I would really love to get one of those Siberian husky dogs mummy". To try and put him off the idea, his mother said "We already have two dogs and Siberian huskies need walking twice a day". My son’s reply "Gee, that will keep you busy mummy".

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A real corny one from a nine year old

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. He wanted to reach the bottom!

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This is bad, but reading some of the puns in this week’s edition has encouraged me to send this …

Did you hear about the concreter who gave up his job because he found the work too hard?

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True story

I had to go with my 62 yr old mum to Prince Charles Hospital emergency department here in Brisbane– she had a minor set of symptoms but the ambos said she should go in for a check.

Mum was a bit disoriented, and this loosened up her sense of humor. While waiting in a cubicle for nearly two hours for a doctor to see her, we were watching the passing parade, which happened to include a very nice looking young male doctor. He was probably a few years older than Doogie Howser. I made several comments like “ He’s a cute looking young doctor” and “have a look when he comes by again” when my silver-haired, usually conservative, mother leans forward and says : ”tell him if he comes over here he can look at acute angina”.

Needless to say, I couldn’t breathe properly for nearly ten minutes due to the hysterical laughter this comment caused.
My mother was no better – convulsed on the examination table with tears of laughter rolling down her face. At one point I had to grab a tissue from my handbag and pretend that I was crying and coughing as I thought the duty nurses were going to come in to see what the hell was going on.

I thought I was going to need to see the doctor.

My sister gets to take her next time.

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The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the V*rgin Mary"

Tiger: "You’re a day late."

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"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O’Brien

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"Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage." -Jay Leno

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" He replied, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."

"Don’t be stupid. You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat."

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Granddaughter being instructed about drink driving.

Annabel aged 4yrs

You must never drink & drive Annabel.

No Dad because you might spill it.

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Fun with words

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man…

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time’s Up’?"

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A young farm boy comes down for breakfast. His mother asks if he has done his chores.

‘Not yet,’ said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig…

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, ‘You gonna tell him or should I?’

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A Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?" A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A lieutenant said it was 50-50%. An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

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There were two Irishmen working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,

The other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are you doing with those?"

He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

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A Russian and a Czechoslovakian were out hunting one day and were attacked and eaten by a Ma Ma Bear and a Pa Pa Bear. The two bears were finally found and shot. They took both bears back for an autopsy. They found the Czech was in the male.

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A Texan, an Englishman and a Frenchman are having a drink.

The Texan says, "I know this bar in Dallas that if you buy one drink the next one is on the house."

The Englishman says, "That’s great but I know a bar in London where if you buy a drink the next two are on the house."

The Frenchman says, "Big deal, in Paris there is a bar where all the drinks are free and they take you in back to get you laid".

The Texan and the Englishman are intrigued. "Where is this wonderful bar?", asked the Englishman.

"I don’t know", replied the Frenchman, I’ve never been there. But my sister goes all the time".

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown

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"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." –P. J.
O’Rourke

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At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

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Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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True story

My seven year old grandson was telling me he was tha fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the school. I said ‘ i would like to hear you are the best reader in school or the best at maths"’ He looked very plaintive and said ‘there are thousands of kids at my school!!!

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A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride.

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."

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"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can’t find a good man, raise one." –Unknown

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An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ”It’s my fooken wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve fooken killed her!”

Operator: ”Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!”

*click* … *BANG*

Irishman: ”Okay, I’ve fooken done that. What next?”

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If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share withthe same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

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A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I’m in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."

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As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won’t let me."

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Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

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If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I’m fat."

"No, you’re not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I’ve never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.

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3 on Grandparents

My grandson was visiting one day when he said "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.

 

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize. "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."

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Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*

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What’s the difference a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes "Thwack! …Darn" ……………..

while the other goes "Darn! …Thwack."

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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Some true ‘nurse’ events

Nurse Meg, noticed in friend’s property a man working in a large digger doing a very spectacular excavation job, while smoking a cigarette. So asked the digger "are you digging your own grave?" … with a few choice comments on smoking cessation!

The staff at the local After Hours Medical Centre were wearing dancing piggy stickers attached to their name
badges- great for camaraderie during the Swine Flu epidemic, and put a few smiles on the patients faces.

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, ‘What’s your name?’ asked the chicken.

‘Bond, James Bond. What’s yours?’

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’

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We have a teacher at our school who is a genius at fixing computers. When a student complains that their computer isn’t working, he just says "That’s okay, you can use the encyclopedias instead". Instantly the kid has no problems.

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A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What’s that" said the Texan. "That’s the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What’s that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday."