The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This was so cute I had to share it…. I was explaining to my class of Australian six-year-olds that we wouldn’t be returning to school until Tuesday because of the Queen’s Birthday long weekend. They looked blank. I told them I meant the queen of England. Still blank. She is Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles’s mother and we are having a day off to remember her birthday, I added hopefully.

At last one little girl put up her hand with a smile. “So are you going to her party?” she asked.

These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition. You’ll need to be an Aussie to understand.

  • billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
  • bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work but is kept as a pet. (this one’s gotta be the winner!)
  • dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
  • fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.
  • flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
  • yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.
  • bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
  • shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep
  • technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”

Some years ago our family was showing our new puppy to the grandparents. Grandad (whose nickname was Gaa-Gaa) remarked that the puppy looked like she had a bit of whippet in her. He also said he used to race greyhounds. My four year old who was running around the car at great speed then asked “Did you beat them, Gaa-gaa?

I’ve noticed a number of real-life experiences in the Friday funnies lately, so here’s one you may consider. Early in the year, a new Year One student who was immaculately dressed, with flowing blonde curls and the biggest blue eyes, was sent to me with a note stating that she had spoken ‘inappropriately’. Often when notes are couched in this way, I am reticent to ask the student what they actually said, however on this occasion her look of demure innocence led me to take the risk.

Eye’s lowered, she replied, ‘I said ‘Shut-up’. With some relief I gave a sad though severe look, stating, ‘Oh dear, that’s not very nice is it?’

With some affront, she looked me straight in the eye and replied, ‘But I didn’t say s h i t’.

Guess I’d better go back to not asking.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise.’ The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. ‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you did you order?’ The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’ You’re going to love this………………

‘Ah! So solly,’says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

“And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

“Sheesh! I wish you’d make up your mind,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”

“I think it’s finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn’t get it. Today she went down to Ikea because she realized this was her only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet.” -Jay Leno

Invented by a four year old beginning comedian

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. To get to the bottom

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.”

“Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting. One of the topics rumored to be discussed is Hillary’s $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that. Today she outlined a plan for recouping that money: She plans on marrying, then divorcing, Paul McCartney.” -Jimmy Kimmel

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, “Man, what a rip off!. It was all over in four minutes!”

The wife replies, “Now you know how I feel.”

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not Be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’ Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Shoite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘Shoite, Shoite!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No fockin’ way’.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed.’

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Fock it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’.

Paddy says, ‘I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?’

‘Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stop Press

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious… Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York …. now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now,you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I’ve just found out I’m five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who’s speaking?"

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery’s’ waiting room. "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!"

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. "He’s got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That’s because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn’t know he’s dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"

"Your glass is empty O’Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O’Flaherty.

"I’m getting older and I’m thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I’m trying to cut back on my cholesterol." –Brenda Pontiff

Q. What’s round, got teeth and bites
. A vicious circle

Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in some high schools any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests…

  • The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
  • Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days – Origami Bank has folded,

Sumo Bank has gone belly up,

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches,

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived,

500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop,

and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that clients and staff may get a raw deal.

At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? –Unknown

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. –Sam Levenson

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, ‘Would you like to make love?”No!’ she answered.’Is that your final answer?’ I said.’Yes!’ she replied.I then said, ‘I’d like to phone a friend.’

On the first day of spring training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run he’d be at Flemington!"

A man in filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone out with the girls. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o’clock on Channel 2."

"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn’t it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." —Scott Ostler

Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:

  • Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won’t ever connect at 56k.
  • Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
  • T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
  • The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
  • Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii.
  • Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files– no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

While on holidays, I saw this written on a notice in a shop. I took a sneaky photo so I could pass it on to the gang…


You have two sides of eleven men, one in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he is out he comes in and the next man goes in until he is out. When both sides have been in and are all out, they all come in and the game is over.

There were still a few minutes left before the flight. Sam was thanking George for being such a good host. "My room was great. The food was terrific. You didn’t bug me. And, more than anything else, thanks for letting me sleep with your wife. She was the best I ever had!"

Boarding was announced. George waived goodbye and left. A stranger walked over to Sam and said, "Pardon me, but did I hear you just thank that man for letting you sleep with his wife? And that she was the best you ever had?"

Sam said, "She really wasn’t, but that George is just such a nice guy."