Ohope Camping Holiday 2012

In the last weekend of January before Joshua started school, we borrowed a friends ute and all his camping gear and took the family on our first ever camping trip.

Considering we hadn’t spent a single night in a tent together, Kim and I were a bit apprehensive about the whole thing, but thought since a lot of our friends with kids were camping, it seemed like the ‘in thing’ to do. Not wanting to let the Jones get one up on us we packed our friends gear and headed on our way!

We did our research on camping grounds/holiday parks (buy AR15 accessories for camping) and were initially shocked at the cost per night for our family. Around $70 per night (2 adults & 2 children) for a piece of unpowered land! But looking around various holiday parks in the Bay of Plenty, we quickly came to the realisation that this was a rational charge during the high season, which we unfortunately were going to be falling into.

We decided on the Ohope Beach TOP 10 Holiday Park which came highly recommended to us by friends who had spent time there recently.

The facilities were a major draw card for us; an outdoor pool with two slides and a kiddies pool, a childrens playground and even mini golf! While the mini golf course was a little tired and needing a freshen up, it was a great holiday park and we will certainly be returning there one day once we have our own camping gear.

I took plenty of photos and videos on my iPhone and put together this short holiday video using the iMovie app on my iPad so we can relive our first family camping trip for many years to come.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.

"What’s wrong?" he asked.

The boy said, "I can’t get along with your wife."

One day, a New Zealander on holiday in London walked into a curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.

"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and £100 for the story that goes with it."

"I’ll take the cat," says the tourist, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.

By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the Thames River.

Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the curio shop.

"Ah, so you’ve come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Australian."

You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It’s not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)…yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!"

After a torrential rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

‘Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!’ she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

‘We were just playing ‘church’ mummy,’ he said. ‘And I was just baptizing him … … in the name of the Father, the Son and in … the hole-he-goes.’

An Israeli doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra , and soon about half the country will be looking for work.’

I reckon airports should have a room allocated to atheists so they can go there and not pray.

No One Could Ever Dream Up A Story Like This One.. As a young piper in Newfoundland, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I’d never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, ‘Lard Jeezuz b’y, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.’

A lady went to the doctor and said ‘my husband thinks he’s a refrigerator’.

The doctor said "don’t worry he’ll get over it".

She said, " It’s not that", she said, "when he’s asleep with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me awake!"

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I Would like to buy some cyanide.’

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

As a special treat, my partner took our 2 kids to see the stage show of Wicked. It was a late night for our 6 & 10 year old girls… I collected them in the car and on the way home, our very tired 6 year old was trying to remember which day she had to do "Show & Tell" so that she could report on Wicked….. "I cannot remember which day it is but it has ‘Day’ in it’s name….."

What followed was an annoyed 10 year old trying to explain that all days have days in their names…

She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own dope."

How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient.

Then I noticed the rest of her message… "Plant a man."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m Joe, he’s Jim, we’ll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country…
the history, the beer, the culture…"

"Nah, we don’t like that British crap," says Joe.
"Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re arrogant and rude.’

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive."

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages.
His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn’t.

My doctor said I was paranoid… well, he didn’t actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub. Mick says to Paddy, ‘I cant be bothered to walk all that way.’ ‘I know,’
says Paddy, ‘but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.’ ‘We could steal a bus from the depot,’
Mick suggests. They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, ‘Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?’ Paddy shouts back, ‘I cant find a No. 91’ ‘Oh Jeysus, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more com- fortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judg- mental, where, of course, men are just grateful. –Jay Leno

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what’s love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about the birds and the bees.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, "So what were you watchin’?"

Billy says, "Wimbledon."

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn’t it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it’s Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let’s have a beer."

"My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."– Ron Richards

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’ The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

An oldie but a goodie from Roxanne One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, ‘It’s certainly not a ship.’ As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, ‘Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?’

‘Ten years’ replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
‘Faith and begorrah,’ said the castaway, ‘that is so good!
I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!’

‘And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?’ asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, ‘Ten years.’

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. ‘

‘Tis nectar of the gods!’ shouted the Irishman. ‘ ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!’

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, ‘And how long has it been since you played around?’

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!’

Did you hear about the cannibal who was walking through his favourite part of the forrest? He passed a friend.

The young woman really thought she’d been very patient through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So, how do you like your rice? Steamed or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

Rattray Raglan Retreat Photos

Well, after a short stop over in our own bed after driving all night from Wellington, we were completed wacked!
We returned to Rotorua after our trip down to Punakaiki for the Hodge Family ‘get together’ 2007. We got in at 1am and slept till 7am when Joshua woke.

It was a chance to quickly sort out some of our stuff, send out last weeks funnies, and write a blog about the Punakaiki trip…
You know… the important things.

So here we are again, Another family trip safely under our belt for 2007.

We got on the road to Raglan after lunch around 1pm with Kim’s father Russ following closely. It’s a good 2 hour drive from Rotorua, 1 1/2 to Hamilton, then just over 30 mins to Raglan from there.

Lee, Paula, Alyssa and Nicholas were already there to greet us warmly when we arrived, we soon unpacked and started to unwind again. The first thing to do after hugs and handshakes was to re-introduce Joshua to Nicholas and to compare everything… “no, not that you filthy person…“.
We weren’t there long before the Rattray boys decided it was beer o’clock and cracked open a couple. So feeling the need to detox after drinking too much Kahlua down south, I opted for a non alcoholic beverage to start with.

Tim, Pam, Sophie and Lachlan arrived a bit later after we had thrown together and had dinner.
It was really cool to have all the kids together and we all got some awesome photos of the three boys and all the kids together.
We are really hoping to keep in touch with Kim’s brothers more often and look forward to our next get together.

Check out the photos listed below

View Photos

Thursday Easter Holiday Funnies

“Woohoo…Now I can wear heels!” —Nicole Kidman on divorcing Tom Cruise

We were trying to save money as the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with. As you know I don’t drink that much – maybe a slab or two on the weekends with the boys. As a cost saving she told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

It was tough, but I agreed. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back.

A lady on the light rail was reading a magazine article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to a stranger next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Geez,” he said sympathetically. “Have you tried mouthwash?”

A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says “sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There’s nothing I can do for you – just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he’s never been there before.

He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners – prize £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house – and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.

The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says “son – I’ve never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house and the national grid – I’ve never met anyone so lucky.”

“Lucky??” he screamed, “lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got yellow 24.”

“Blow me down,” says the bingo caller, “You’ve won the raffle as well”!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered.”I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” “Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

An old man was a witness in a burglary case in Miami. The defense lawyer asks Sam,
“Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again,
“Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam,
“Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight might be failing. Just how far can you see at night?”

He quickly replied, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, “Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?”

“Why do you ask?” the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. “Just idol curiosity, I guess.”

A Catholic Priest was about to leave his Mission in the jungles, where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,”Riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes
ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other.

“How could you kill these people in cold blood that way”?
The chief replied, “My bike.”

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

“Don’t blow our cover. You’re in America now. Speak Spanish.”

25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: “What sort of people were punished in the stocks?”
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: “The small investor.”

Words that really should exist

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who’s not too bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.

Zit Code: knowing where your next pimple will appear.

A bar in town is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.