The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This is another true First Aid course joke:

The refresher course for first aid was a bit tedious; the young instructor was clearly nervous and was trying to do everything ‘by the book’. That is until she told us about doing the “Heineken manoeuvre “ – perhaps it’s bringing the beer up to your mouth in case of emergency! My friend and I were struggling to keep a straight face and of course dutifull practised the Heimlich manoeuvre instead! Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Volcano jokes

  • Sorry for the flight delays, Europe. We were aiming for London, but it’s hard to be accurate when firing a volcano
  • There’s no pleasing the English. The last time they got the Ashes they were over the moon
  • Iceland goes bankrupt, then manage to set their island on fire. Insurance scam written all over it
  • I think it’s too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano…we should at least wait until the dust settles
  • Time for the USA to attack Iceland for possessing weapons of mass disruption
  • The last wish of the Icelandic economy was to have its ashes scattered over Europe

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I was reading one morning when my husband came in very upset and asked me if I thought he had put on a lot of weight since last winter. I asked him why he wanted to know. He groaned that he couldn’t get anywhere near fitting his jeans over his hips, much less getting them zipped up.
When I looked up from my book I exploded with laughter. He was trying to put on my jeans!

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Husband is prone to dislocating his kneecap when he over exerts himself, and wife is familiar with the urgency of relocating said kneecap. The cure is to place the lower leg on the same plane as the upper leg in very short time so the offending kneecap will slide back into position.

Two of our four teenage children were still living at home on the night when amorous husband decided to bring a liquid nightcap into the marriage bedroom. Husband placed the drinks & treats alluringly on a tray for his beloved and headed for the bedroom. The door was gently closed for the intimacy required on this night and husband glided alluringly to wife’s bedside.

As husband twisted to sit on edge of bed, the recurring kneecap popped out and husband screamed out loud in excruciating pain. Tray projected into the air and glasses and their contents sprayed the bed, the husband and beloved.

Knowing how to rectify husband’s condition, wife, yelled over top of husband’s scream, "straighten it, straighten it", to the wonder and curiosity of the teenagers in the next bedroom. Unbeknown to the children, wife was referring to husband’s leg,

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak…..

He propped up his gun in the corner of his duck blind.Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genials. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot.’ ‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.

‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your pen-s. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’

‘Well I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’

‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t weee everywhere.

Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.

My son is notorious for using strange voices and pretending he is different people every time he rings family or friends. This morning he returns to Australia from his honeymoon and I was hoping for a text message to say he had landed safely.

The phone rang at 9:30 am. An amusing voice told me that he was running late but would be at my place in a couple of hours.

Surprised and flattered that he would consider seeing his parents on his first day back, I gushed that I would love to see my darling as soon as possible and that we could catch up on everything and have a lovely lunch together.

"Madam, the voice declared after a brief pause,"I’m the man putting in your insulation and I’ve been held up at another job!"

Shocked and embarassed I blurted out,"Oh! I’m so sorry! I thought you were my son! He’s always putting on funny accents! I mean he uses different voices. Oh! I’m so sorry….."

How am I going to face him when he comes to the door?

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television…and later to the remote control. –Dave Berry

On ageing

  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Just another in regard to getting words mixed up in church and prayers etc.

I always thought God’s name was Peter. My parents could never work out why I thought it was Peter and I couldn’t work out why they didn’t know….. Remember at the end of prayers the priest would say "Thanks be to God"….well I always thought it said "Thanks, Peter God", thus his name was Peter!!

True story

My younger brother had met a Polish girl (has since married her) and my first opportunity to meet her was on a Saturday morning when the three of us were strolling down the street of a busy little village, looking in the shop windows. We weren’t trying to stay together, just strolling along.

From close behind me I heard her voice, obviously directed at me -"I’d like to make love in de oil ". My mind raced…. surely not!. "Sorry?" I said turning back towards her (and checking how far away my brother was).

She repeated "I’d like to make love in de oil ".

My concerns (oh okay, also my fantasies) were dismissed when I realised that she was looking in the window of the aromatherapy shop. "Oh, you’d like to make your own lavender oil? That’s nice."

Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving. He was given six months but the police don’t think he will finish his sentence.

It was reported in today’s Melbourne “Age” that a group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington yesterday to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their bodies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four."

"No, Madam," he replied, "I’m riding Cupid’s Arrow in the 5th at 2.15.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo

While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don’t know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’

The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of test*cles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’

The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off?’ ‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
–Bernard Bailey

"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter,"
he shouted, "Didn’t you hear me say, ‘well done’?"

"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You’ve got male!

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity."

"Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’"

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."

Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’

Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.

Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?

As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.

Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.

Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!

She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.

The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"

Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.

An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.

A little known fact…

The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

So many Swine Flu jokes already….

The swine flu pundemic


Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.

Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.

Bad temper: things start to easily rind you up.

Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.

Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.

Developing a sty in either or both eyes.

Urgent cravings: for a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples.

Wanting to fight: Shouting things like "Gammon, have a go if you think you’re hard enough".

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non-smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout. This could be a false alarm, in which case you can trotter off home, but if the symptoms return, you may need to go to your local farmacy for some oinkment.

Treatment for Swine Flu: Spend the night in a smoky room and in the morning you will be cured

I woke up this morning thinking I had swine flu I had broken out in rashers! So I rang the swine flu hotline. But all I got was crackling…….

FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection. With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking. Doctor, Doctor. I’ve just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.

Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!

When life hands you Lemons, ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?"
I asked.

"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or b*tch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day…

The End


The host of the convention says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" One Accountant steps up. The host says to him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen."

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance." The host says, "Well since we have gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The host sighs – everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."

Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levant

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.

"What’s wrong?" he asked.

The boy said, "I can’t get along with your wife."

One day, a New Zealander on holiday in London walked into a curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.

"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and £100 for the story that goes with it."

"I’ll take the cat," says the tourist, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.

By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the Thames River.

Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the curio shop.

"Ah, so you’ve come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Australian."

You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It’s not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)…yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!"

After a torrential rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

‘Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!’ she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

‘We were just playing ‘church’ mummy,’ he said. ‘And I was just baptizing him … … in the name of the Father, the Son and in … the hole-he-goes.’

An Israeli doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra , and soon about half the country will be looking for work.’

I reckon airports should have a room allocated to atheists so they can go there and not pray.

No One Could Ever Dream Up A Story Like This One.. As a young piper in Newfoundland, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I’d never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, ‘Lard Jeezuz b’y, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.’

A lady went to the doctor and said ‘my husband thinks he’s a refrigerator’.

The doctor said "don’t worry he’ll get over it".

She said, " It’s not that", she said, "when he’s asleep with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me awake!"

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I Would like to buy some cyanide.’

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

As a special treat, my partner took our 2 kids to see the stage show of Wicked. It was a late night for our 6 & 10 year old girls… I collected them in the car and on the way home, our very tired 6 year old was trying to remember which day she had to do "Show & Tell" so that she could report on Wicked….. "I cannot remember which day it is but it has ‘Day’ in it’s name….."

What followed was an annoyed 10 year old trying to explain that all days have days in their names…

She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own dope."

How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient.

Then I noticed the rest of her message… "Plant a man."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you’re grown up, a credit card does it." –Sam Ewing

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S’cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin’, said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Thoughts on marriage…

  • Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….

A woman married for the fourth time at eighty, to an Undertaker Local Radio asked for an interview, to which she agreed "Who was your first husband?" the interviewer asked "He was a Banker", she replied "What about your second husband?" the question came "That’s easy, he was a Circus Performer"

"Did you travel around?" "Oh yes, for 15 years", she said "And your third husband?" "He was a Minister of God" she replied

"And now you are married to an Undertaker, why such diversity?" "Well, I married One for the money, Two for the Show, Three to get ready, and Four to go !"

This happened to me on the weekend, and I thought the other vertically challenged out there might appreciate it.

My family was discussing how I am shorter than some other women (5 foot 3), and my 7 year old daughter added: "Don’t worry Mum, there are some people in the world shorter than you….. like me…… and dwarfs."

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small- town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.

With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my
discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe’ with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’
and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’
says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That’ll be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’ Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. ‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
‘Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’ ‘Well, love’
says the truckie, ‘a few years ago; I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’ ‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man. The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the emu?’

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,’Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’

Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.

It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s mum wants to talk to you.’

The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

A little bit of humour emerged from the recent bushfires in Victoria.

A fish farmer at Boolara reported to authorities that he had lost 650 gold fish during the fires. How? Elvis, the skycrane helicopter had dropped into one of the fish farms ponds for water and sucked them up. The load was dumped to douse the flames near a house. The smoked fish didnt last long as the local wood ducks flew in to clean them up. The story is true and was verified with the fish farm owner by the local abc reporter Mark Debono – Sale.

I’d had enough of my employees’ abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."

  • I went to the doctor ’cause I swallowed a harmonica…. he said "lucky you don’t play the piano"
  • My wife went to the doctor and told him she thought she was invisible…. he said "I can’t see you ’til next week"
  • I went to the doctor and told him I thought I was shrinking…. he said "can’t you just be a little patient"
  • I told the doctor my wife thinks she’s Daisy Duck…. he said "she’s suffering from Disney Spells"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer. Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want to kill people who are always chipper and happy." -David Letterman

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that’s how the fight started…..

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…"

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store." — Matthew Perenchio

Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.

Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"

Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I’m dying over here and you’re putting?"

"Don’t worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through."

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week. That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had."

The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"

  • Nothing can replace a bikini … and often does!
  • How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you can afford.
  • I was studying chemistry in college but after about six weeks I was out of my element.
  • If we looted our local pharmacy, would they call it pillaging?
  • Down at the railroad yard, they can always hear when the locomotive has a problem. They have engine ears.
  • What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder!
  • Of all the fruits he could have eaten, do you think Noah enjoyed pears the most?
  • I heard of a young lady at my office who accidentally spilled her birth control pills into the copier while changing the toner … now we can’t get it to reproduce anything.

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."

Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen- agers.

Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
main- tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full


To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

  1. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
  2. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
  3. Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.