This is another true First Aid course joke:
The refresher course for first aid was a bit tedious; the young instructor was clearly nervous and was trying to do everything ‘by the book’. That is until she told us about doing the “Heineken manoeuvre “ – perhaps it’s bringing the beer up to your mouth in case of emergency! My friend and I were struggling to keep a straight face and of course dutifull practised the Heimlich manoeuvre instead!
Volcano jokes
I was reading one morning when my husband came in very upset and asked me if I thought he had put on a lot of weight since last winter. I asked him why he wanted to know. He groaned that he couldn’t get anywhere near fitting his jeans over his hips, much less getting them zipped up.
When I looked up from my book I exploded with laughter. He was trying to put on my jeans!
Husband is prone to dislocating his kneecap when he over exerts himself, and wife is familiar with the urgency of relocating said kneecap. The cure is to place the lower leg on the same plane as the upper leg in very short time so the offending kneecap will slide back into position.
Two of our four teenage children were still living at home on the night when amorous husband decided to bring a liquid nightcap into the marriage bedroom. Husband placed the drinks & treats alluringly on a tray for his beloved and headed for the bedroom. The door was gently closed for the intimacy required on this night and husband glided alluringly to wife’s bedside.
As husband twisted to sit on edge of bed, the recurring kneecap popped out and husband screamed out loud in excruciating pain. Tray projected into the air and glasses and their contents sprayed the bed, the husband and beloved.
Knowing how to rectify husband’s condition, wife, yelled over top of husband’s scream, "straighten it, straighten it", to the wonder and curiosity of the teenagers in the next bedroom. Unbeknown to the children, wife was referring to husband’s leg,
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak…..
He propped up his gun in the corner of his duck blind.Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genials. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot.’ ‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.
‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your pen-s. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’
‘Well I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’
‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t weee everywhere.
Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.
My son is notorious for using strange voices and pretending he is different people every time he rings family or friends. This morning he returns to Australia from his honeymoon and I was hoping for a text message to say he had landed safely.
The phone rang at 9:30 am. An amusing voice told me that he was running late but would be at my place in a couple of hours.
Surprised and flattered that he would consider seeing his parents on his first day back, I gushed that I would love to see my darling as soon as possible and that we could catch up on everything and have a lovely lunch together.
"Madam, the voice declared after a brief pause,"I’m the man putting in your insulation and I’ve been held up at another job!"
Shocked and embarassed I blurted out,"Oh! I’m so sorry! I thought you were my son! He’s always putting on funny accents! I mean he uses different voices. Oh! I’m so sorry….."
How am I going to face him when he comes to the door?
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television…and later to the remote control. –Dave Berry
On ageing
Just another in regard to getting words mixed up in church and prayers etc.
I always thought God’s name was Peter. My parents could never work out why I thought it was Peter and I couldn’t work out why they didn’t know….. Remember at the end of prayers the priest would say "Thanks be to God"….well I always thought it said "Thanks, Peter God", thus his name was Peter!!
True story
My younger brother had met a Polish girl (has since married her) and my first opportunity to meet her was on a Saturday morning when the three of us were strolling down the street of a busy little village, looking in the shop windows. We weren’t trying to stay together, just strolling along.
From close behind me I heard her voice, obviously directed at me -"I’d like to make love in de oil ". My mind raced…. surely not!. "Sorry?" I said turning back towards her (and checking how far away my brother was).
She repeated "I’d like to make love in de oil ".
My concerns (oh okay, also my fantasies) were dismissed when I realised that she was looking in the window of the aromatherapy shop. "Oh, you’d like to make your own lavender oil? That’s nice."
Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving. He was given six months but the police don’t think he will finish his sentence.
It was reported in today’s Melbourne “Age” that a group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington yesterday to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their bodies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four."
"No, Madam," he replied, "I’m riding Cupid’s Arrow in the 5th at 2.15.
"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo
While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don’t know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’
The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of test*cles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’
The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off?’ ‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
–Bernard Bailey
"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter,"
he shouted, "Didn’t you hear me say, ‘well done’?"
"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You’ve got male!
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity."
"Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’"
Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
