The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.


I always find that the first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest


So good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, sure dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub in Westport in the County Mayo, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can’t forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application. I should have taking https://cascadebusnews.com/how-to-find-the-best-portland-based-trucking-company/ advice on vehicles before making a decision. "

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you." -Jay Leno


Traveling is a major part of my wife’s job as a saleswoman, and it’s not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week.

I hadn’t thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It’s so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them..’


On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’


I returned from my normal round of golf late last Sunday and my wife asked me why I had been so long. "All was fine "I said "until at the 11th hole, Fred had a cardiac arrest and died on the spot." "That’s terrible" my wife said.
"No kidding. For the rest of the round it was a case of hit a shot, drag Fred, hit a shot, drag Fred".


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then said, "You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks … "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said … "Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I’m Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles..


"Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing petrol from parked cars. Victims said they hadn’t felt that robbed since they put the petrol INTO their car." -Jimmy Fallon


A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quiet rest.

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.

So my sister’s friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can’t believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!"


Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room, waits for some news.

A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and bad news. The good news – he’ll make a full recovery. The bad news – he’ll be a vegetable for life."


Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.

One woman complained that she remained an ‘apple-shape’ and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.

Her buddy agreed, saying, "It’s true. The lard works in mysterious ways."


A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience.

Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"


After a busy day commuters settled down on their train train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:- "Hi darling it’s Peter, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting – no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart" etc.
This was still going on after many minutes , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"


Q. What do you call a Greek parachutist?
A. Con Descending.

Q: Why did the leper baseball pitcher retire?
A: He threw his arm out.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roaming Catholic.

Q: Why didn’t Superman know he could fly?
A: Because he didn’t know his "Cape Abilities"

Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide in a bush and make a noise like a Carrot.

Q: What is hairy and coughs?
A: A coconut with a cold.

Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because it was too heavy to carry.

Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father and his young son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.

"Don’t know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity."

A few blocks father on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.

"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."

The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked, "Pop, I hope you don’t mind my asking so many questions…"

"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn’t be here."

Puzzled, she seeks out her mummy and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mummy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?"

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.

The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "What are you going to use this fertilizer for?"

The man said, "For my strawberries."

The boy replied, "Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries."

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Fabulous Friday Funnies

A true anecdote

As we hurried out of the airport, I asked my partner to pick up a box of chocolates for Father’s Day while I collected the car. She picked up one already gift-wrapped. My 90-year-old father unwrapped this and opened the box to be greeted by chocolate figurines in all sorts of weird and compromising positions. This was the Kama Sutra chocolate collection. Beware!

Dad was flattered.


"A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is no day at the beach either." -Jay Leno


SOME RESULTS OF THE USA RECESSION

  • C E O’s are now playing mini golf.
  • I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
  • If the Bank returns your cheque ‘insufficient funds’ you call themand ask if it’s you or them.
  • Parents in Beverley Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
  • A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • A picture is now worth only 200 words
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to her brother in another State.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the officer.
"Only the Ten Commandments" she replied


True story

I was out at the shops with four year old granddaughter when she informed me with astonishment that she had seen a man with one leg. Conversation as follows:

Me: Yes, that happens to some people.

Grandaughter: Why does he only have one leg?

Me: I don’t know – maybe he had an accident or something…

Granddaughter (triumphantly): Yes, and his leg fell off !!


A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can’t! I’ll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can’t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can’t take it off, or I’ll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".


"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn’t know you were into earrings."

"Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


Some short jokes

A friend of mine became that upset with the Australian Taxation Office that he wrote to them to cancel his subscription and have his name removed from their mailing list.

Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

A group of terrorists took a building full of lawyers hostage and threatened to release one every hour if their demands were not met.

A young lad from a prominent private school was caught shop lifting and the police were called. Do you know who my father is yelled the lad? The shop assistant lent over the counter and said, have you tried asking your mother?

George said that he stays away from natural foods because at his age he needs all the preservatives he can get.

Patrick had all his electrical cords shortened to save on electricity.

The clever Scotsman only borrowed money from pessimists as they don’t expect to get it back.


English professors love to catch the errors students make in their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed metaphors. The "friends and survivors" of Calvin College English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and posted them on their web site:

  • "He swept the rug under the carpet."
  • "She’s burning the midnight oil at both ends."
  • "It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."
  • "It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."
  • "She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper."
  • "He’s up a tree without a paddle."
  • "Beware my friend…you are skating on hot water."
  • "Keep your ear to the grindstone."
  • "Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb."
  • "Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter."

After a long retirement from films and singing Roy Rogers was staging a comeback. The performance had been arranged, the venue ready and the rehearsals were over. Roy was dressed in his performance gear and the audience was streaming in. Roy was dressed and almost ready to go on, but missing one of his boots. Panic Stations ! ! All the stage – hands were pressed into help. Eventually one of them discovered a cat underneath a chair who was chewing into the boot. The helper who discovered the cat burst into song and –

‘Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?’


Q: What are dog biscuits made from?
A: Collie flour.

Q: What did the salt say to the pepper?
A: "Hey, what’s shaking?"

Q: What has two horns and goes, "Oom, Oom?"
A: A cow walking backwards.

Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the Eighth.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room …"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !!!

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’


Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
3.1415927 dead Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies