The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. Her girlfriend is fond of playing online slots that is why she loved claiming slot deposit bonuses every time she encountered one.

“It’s me or the magazines,” Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.

Barry calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”

“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.

“I can’t see myself coming into work today,” says Barry.

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market." -Craig Ferguson

Some things never change—but the terminology often does.
Author Cindy Chupack has coined these useful neologisms to help the unattached negotiate the wilds of singledom.

Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance.

Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random singles are perfect for each other.

DNRR (Do Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop…"

My daughter is pregnant and early in her pregnancy she sent a downloaded picture of the baby at 8 weeks gestation and emailed it to her hubby at work, cc’ing it to his mum and myself stating that this was what our baby looked like now.
Without missing a beat he replied to her (and us) with the statement that he thought that at this stage their baby looked more like its mother than its father.

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.

25 percent of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90 percent will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

A blonde died and went to heaven and was met at the gates by St Peter. St Peter said to her “we have a bit of a rush on at present however there are three questions you must answer before I can let you through. I’ll give you the questions so that you can think about them and save some time and tomorrow you can give me your answers”. “The questions are: How many days of the week start with the letter T? How many seconds are there in a year? (I know you’re already working that one out) What is the first name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”

Next day St Peter approached the blonde. “Well, have you given the questions some thought?” “Oh yes” said the blonde “there are two days in the week which start with the letter T – today and tomorrow”.

St Peter sighed. “Very well”, he said “How many seconds are there in a year?” “Oh that was the easiest” the blonde replied “there are twelve”. “Twelve?” St Peter said “how did you calculate that?” “Well, there’s the second of January, the second of February, the second of March…”.

St Peter said “I’m really letting you off lightly but you must get the third question absolutely correct. “What is the swagman’s name?” “Andy” the blonde replied. “Andy? How did you discover that?” “Easy – And’e sat, And’e watched And’e waited ‘till his billy boiled. The blonde passed through the gates with no further comment.

During the huge dust storm in Sydney on Wednesday I got a call from one of my colleagues in the office basement, who wanted me to move my car so he could leave. He said "Go and wash that thing. Its filthy! Its like you took it four wheel driving in the mud! Ugh!" I said "That’s South Australian bulldust". He said "No mate. It really is dirty
– and I’m not from South Australia!"

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

It’s the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible’, said the man.

‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.’

‘Oh ….. I’m sorry to hear that mate. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?’

The man shakes his head ‘No, they’re all at the funeral.’

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very expensive restaurant for dinner one night. Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?"

The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I’ll take care of everything."

"Fine," said the waiter.

The next day the headlines read: ‘Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death’

The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, ‘Get yourself over here ! What’s your name?"

"Paul," the new recruit replied.

"Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit they’re teaching in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only

Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as ‘Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?"

The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here’s what I want you to do ….."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."

A friend’s young daughter heard a riddle in kindergarten and brought it home to tell her quite protective daddy.
Unfortunately, the little girl got the joke wrong, to her father’s obvious consternation.

The riddle was supposed to be "What kind of flower grows between your chin and your nose?". Unfortunately, the youngster said this: "What kind of flower grows between your legs?". The answer? Tulips!

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."

A teacher was putting on a play of ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears.’ One student’s mother quickly gave her a cuddly brown costume for the baby bear and another lent two larger, snow white polar bear costumes for the mother and father bear. When it got to the part in the play where the father bear asked "Who’s been sleeping in my bed?" a parent from the back giggled, "You may well ask!"

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he snapped.

"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"

Anyone who’s ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.

The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.

The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.

"It’s a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." -Craig Ferguson

An old favourite

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had s * x all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying B…..d! You’ve been playing golf!’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘Do I know her?’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ ‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’

A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."

Interesting thoughts to ponder….

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back."

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  10. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
  11. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"

"Obama held his first news conference today, as president- elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense." -Jimmy Kimmel

A definition of golf

An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.

A nice story – will make you appreciate family . . …
however for most of us, it’s too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ‘And always remember this thing,’
she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’

‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.

She answered in her soft Scottish voice. ‘Makes your d i c k look bigger.’

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside For a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast. — David Yost

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Student: "A teacher."

There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn’t happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I’m getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that’s pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn’t matter which twelve hours you work."

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

Quote of the Week ‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’ Thomas Jefferson 1802