A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."
A friend’s young daughter heard a riddle in kindergarten and brought it home to tell her quite protective daddy.
Unfortunately, the little girl got the joke wrong, to her father’s obvious consternation.
The riddle was supposed to be "What kind of flower grows between your chin and your nose?". Unfortunately, the youngster said this: "What kind of flower grows between your legs?". The answer? Tulips!
While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."
His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."
A teacher was putting on a play of ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears.’ One student’s mother quickly gave her a cuddly brown costume for the baby bear and another lent two larger, snow white polar bear costumes for the mother and father bear. When it got to the part in the play where the father bear asked "Who’s been sleeping in my bed?" a parent from the back giggled, "You may well ask!"
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.
"Nothing," he snapped.
"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"
Anyone who’s ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
"It’s a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." -Craig Ferguson
An old favourite
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had s * x all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying B…..d! You’ve been playing golf!’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘Do I know her?’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ ‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’
A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he replies.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.
"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.
"I don’t care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
Interesting thoughts to ponder….
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.