Nymphomaniac convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, ‘business trip or vacation?’

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States’.

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’

‘Lecturer,’ she responded.. ‘I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.’

‘Really’, he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’

‘Well,’ she explained, ‘ one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,’

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name.’

‘Tonto,’ the man said… ‘Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy.’

Who’s your daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing
‘father’s details;’ or putting it another way…. Who’s yo Daddy? These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
   fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the
   father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
   being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
   provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
   this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
   conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a
   man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
   If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his
   phone number? Thanks.
4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
   BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
   Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s
   had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
   awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was
   ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to
   do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
   the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
   Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
   same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,
   can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
   at the same time…. well, I don’t have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
   World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
    for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
    I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956
    Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
    like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

Some american woman are complete idiots!

Five or Nine Inches?

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’ ‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.” So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘She has’ says the bloke.
And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . . . . . . . .

‘We’re having a new kitchen.’

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door". Confused, he asked his son,

“So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies,

“Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table $210.00
Hot Breakfast $3.20
Two Aspirins $0.12
Saying the right thing, at the right time, PRICELESS!!!!

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls… Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her…

"You want… Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"