I just had a visit to a year 4 class and they were talking about the breaking news that we had a new Prime Minister. When I asked if they knew the person’s name a little girl responded hesitantly "Um… Jule, Julie, Julia, Julia….Um Gill, Gill, Julia Gill???" when one of the boys piped up to help out very excitedly, "Julia Caesar"
Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink."
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl,"
she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."
"That’s great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,"
they said.
"I’ve already done that," replied my friend. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I’m going to get younger?"
True Story
We were at a drive-through at a fast-food outlet at night.
My husband thought he heard someone mumbling through a speaker, so called out his order. Nobody responded, which puzzled him, until he realised he had been talking to a large, metal bin!
"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ‘My dad owns a liquor store.’" -Mark Klein
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royce’s."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
"My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary." -Drake Sather
Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!"
says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"
"Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."
The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door.
"You’ve got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."
This young boy was going through the usual stage of being very interested in lizards, snakes and crocodiles. As most children of his age do, he watches, and is influenced by what he sees on television, particularly the advertisements and if there is something he doesn’t understand he is quick to question his mother about it. So you can imagine the look on his mother’s face when, after watching one particular ad, he asked: ‘Mum, what is a reptile dysfunction?’
"Today is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon mission.
The Russians actually sent a dog into space. They had to fire up a Frisbee first, but they did it." -Craig Ferguson
What stands in the middle of the Australian desert and hits a high "C" at midnight?
Placido the Dingo
Some biblical humour
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.
Some university students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’"
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 98."
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." –P. J. O’Rourke
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the CASA Flight Operations Inspectors, and the CASA FOI arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.
"What’s that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, "but you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.
"There is no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from."
In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"
Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."
My wife came home from the doctor’s the other day and told me the doctor said she couldn’t make love. I’ve known this for years, but I want to know how he found out.
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar:
"He lives in a home with eight children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
I was in Safeway the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.
I said to him, ‘Sorry about that I’m looking for my wife, and I really wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.
The young man said, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’ I said, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy said, ‘Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?’
I said… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.’
Most of us Old Blokes are helpful like that.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
My children have succeeded in driving their mother crazy.
So complete is their success that I find myself frequently uttering these once unthinkable words: "Honey, you need to get out. Go ahead, call a friend and escape for a while.
I’ll take care of these—things."
With that, she’s out the door in 2.5 minutes. She called me from her cell shortly thereafter, "Hi, Honey. What time would you like me home?"
"Anytime," I said. "Just have fun."
"OK," she said excitedly. "See you Sunday."
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
