One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine. Needless to say, he made a bundle.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four policemen and a dog.
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling – With all the others, I was awake."
"According to the ‘Wall Street Journal’, researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity. They said if it wasn’t for our brains, we would all be thin. That’s why supermodels are so skinny." –Jay Leno
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’. Customer: ‘OK’. Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’. Customer: ‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK.
Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’ Customer:
‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’. Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’ Caller: ‘Yes.
That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ‘.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
What do you call a Woolworths that has burnt down?
Coals.
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it …………it’s just spam
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower – Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve’s wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow’."
She said, "No, I’m not a widow!"
And I said, "I bet you a case of beer you are."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,’ he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.
‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage
One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
"Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his back over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, ‘Now, that’s torture.’" –Jay Leno
Although desperate to find work, I passed up a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim."
A child’s prayer
Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer…… Amen
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life–so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." –Matt Cartmill
An echidna trained to scuttle from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese, kabana and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime.
Crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep studying you’ll go broke!
A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Little Johnny’s at it again….. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mummy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum.’
"Don’t worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor- row you worried about yesterday."
My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," Mom said, "is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret?" — Elizabeth C. Boulter
During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn’t play it as written.
When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he kicked the young musician out of the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his drink,gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as if to say
‘Well, – whatcha gonna do about it?’
The little guy starts crying.
‘Come on man I was just giving you a hard time’,the bikie says, ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY. – I can’t stand to see a man crying.’
‘This is the worst day of my life’, says the little guy between sobs.
‘I’ve got to admit it – I’m a complete failure -I just can’t do anything right.’
‘I overslept and was late to an important meeting,- so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener – and then my own dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink – I drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve – then you show up and drink the lot! ‘
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." –Aesop
"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."
"Jamaica?" Bob asked.
"No, it was her idea."
Some bad one-liners
Yesterday I was collecting in my local area for the Guide Dogs for the Blind, Paw Knock Appeal.
I now know why you don’t say you are a volunteer collecting for the Paw Knock Appeal. An elderly deaf neighbour looked at me aghast and wanted to know why I was wanting to collect pornography. From then on I said I was collecting for Guide Dogs for the Blind.
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."
‘Health is just the slowest way to die.’
Some riddles for the kids
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do you think he saw us!
Q. Why did the turkey join in the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks!
Q. How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Ready teddy go!
Q. What do you call a lazy skeleton?
A. Bone idle!
Q. What do you call a fairy who hasn’t had a wash for a week?
A. Stinkerbell!
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
