Absolute best Little Johnny joke

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny,”coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses”.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 22.

Get a health check.

There are many disorders that initially do not have any obvious physical symptoms. For example you could be walking around with diabetes, high blood pressure or kidney disease and not know it. You’ll need to ask for an extended appointment with your GP when you book.

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I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”

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Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggestscaredy-cat.

The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

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A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These” she explained “are the older goats put out to pasture when ;they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

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“A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar.” -Conan O’Brien

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“Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger’s hat, it’s because the bear ate the ranger!” -Craig Ferguson

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Five tips for a woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

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A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other’s clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.

“Quick!” she said to the man, “it’s my husband! You’ve got to get out of here quick!”

“Where’s the back door?” the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.

“There isn’t one,” she replied.

“Where would you like one?” he asked.

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Nice words/phrases woman use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8. Whatever: It’s a women’s way of saying STUFF YOU!
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ (For the woman’s response refer to #3.)

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A beautiful woman loved growing vegetables, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my garden n a k e d in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

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“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” —Steven Wright

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A school teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”

Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”

The teacher cried.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Time for a Little Johnny

ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

ON MATH
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” asks the father? “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,’” I said “6″, replies Johnny. “But that’s right!” says his dad. “Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2?’” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father. “That’s what I said!”

ON ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.” Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

ON GRAMMAR
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!” The teacher replied, ‘Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!”

ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.” She said, “Excellent, Michael!” Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny. “Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!’”

ON GETTING OLDER
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.” Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.” The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?” Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business.

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The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”

“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

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“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” -Oscar Wilde

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Grandma and Grandpa were staying the night at the kids house. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad;.. they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.” Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma.

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that was made to the cat. “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!” said the mice. “If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.” “Done,” said God All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. She was lounging on her fluffy pillow. “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” “Oh, it is wonderful,” said the cat. “I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and the Meals on Wheels was a nice touch.”

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What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?

Lost.

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I have CDO.

It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused”

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Things I’ve learned

• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone else love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I’ve learned that the day will happen whether you get up or not.
• I’ve learned that if it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the effort, then it probably isn’t.
• I’ve learned that if I can’t be a good example, then I’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
• I’ve learned that ambivalence may or may not be my problem.
• I’ve learned that adults are just kids who owe money.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”

“We believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”

“You’re both wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.”

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Quotes from Winston Churchill

• If you are going through hell, keep going.
• You can count on the Americans to do the right thing, once they’ve exhausted every other possible course of action
• You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something.
• Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
• Don’t worry about avoiding temptation….as you grow older, it will avoid you.

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The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

“You must answer the telephone,” he told her irritably.

“All right,” she replied, “but it seems so silly. It’s always for you.”

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I guess you are aware of the cyclone that destroyed the banana crop in North Queensland a few months ago. Bananas are still priced at around $13 – $15 per kilo in Brisbane and I heard on the radio the other day that the latest sign to be seen on shop doors is :

“NO BANANAS KEPT ON PREMISES”

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Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.

“Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.” “Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2006 Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”

Ole says……..”How da foock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

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Tech Support

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.