I was reading one morning when my husband came in very upset and asked me if I thought he had put on a lot of weight since last winter. I asked him why he wanted to know. He groaned that he couldn’t get anywhere near fitting his jeans over his hips, much less getting them zipped up.
When I looked up from my book I exploded with laughter. He was trying to put on my jeans!
Blond on a cruise ship
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship – all my best dresses and make-up… Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today – seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.
I teach Kindergarten and my class went to music last week.
The teacher stood up and hurt her back. One of the kids in my class said "my mum can fix your back". She asked how come. He said "She’s a Chirocractor". So cute.
Ethyl was talking to her hair stylist. "It’s silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she’d be balled soon."
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on marriage and family values. Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
After being married for 48 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Honey, 48 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24-year-old gal. Now I have a $900,000.00 home, two cars, nice big bed and flat screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 71-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 24-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis…
"I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." –Sting
"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levy
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis." –Margaret Bonnano
Two old men meet while tottering around the park on their morning constitutional.
"Irving, how are you?" asks one, patting his friend on the arm.
"Terrible, terrible," mutters Irving. "My memory’s going.
For instance, I can’t remember whether it was you or your brother who died."
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her brea-ts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’
He said, ‘I found the remote’.
An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.
The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?"
"No, sorr."
"Does he keep you short of money?"
"No, sorr."
"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"
"No, sorr."
"Is he unfaithful to you?"
"Ah, we’ve got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.
"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they’re all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is making it with the boss."
Q: Why was the amoeba prison so small?
A: Because it only had one cell.
Q: How is a cat drinking milk like a track star?
A: They both enjoy taking a few laps.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
Q.What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A.Snowballs
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
"There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t." Patrick Murray
When Rod’s wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Rod told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn’t worth living."
"Don’t be stupid, Rod," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, What do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Rod replied.
"Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again."
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner. — Kari Moore
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip – shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going.
Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?" "Well, I’ve been here since last night. . . Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom.
The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. . . On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
So here I am.
"Gov. David Paterson of New York, who is legally blind, is denying rumors of having an affair by saying he’s not seeing another woman." -Craig Ferguson
Have loved this story for a few years now – my niece in question is 16 but was about 4 at the time: My niece was sitting in Church on Easter Sunday with my mother and whispered to her – "who is that man on the cross?" My mother replied to her that "that is Jesus". My niece was silent for a moment – then said: "Gosh – he’s grown since Christmas." My mother just about died laughing – while trying to remain quiet in Church.
A little boy’s sitting on the toilet for a long time, so his mother enters the bathroom to see what’s going on. She finds him on the loo, reading a book, but every 10 seconds he puts the book down and whacks himself on top of the head. "Why on earth are you doing that?" the mum asks.
"Well," the boy replies, smacking himself on the head again, "I haven’t done a poo yet and this usually works for tomato sauce."
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
Doug asks, "I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Bill says, "I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember…I don’t mind going back to prison."
One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.
The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "What are you going to use this fertilizer for?"
The man said, "For my strawberries."
The boy replied, "Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries."
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race- track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.
"You’re too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.
"What’s your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It’s simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids…
ages two and six…so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."
"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.
"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you’re too cautious and detail-oriented."
True story
I recently taught my grade 6 class a unit on government. In a follow-up test, I asked the question: "What does democracy mean?"
One very intelligent girl responded: "The freedom to elect your own dictators."
… made even funnier by the fact that she was from the Philippines.
Heard today on the ABC Radio – Brisbane about Astrology, a caller said ‘I don’t believe in Astrology, it’s probably because I’m a Gemini and we’re very sceptical!’
My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
Two old ladies are sitting in the cinema. One says: ‘Ouch, my leg is going to sleep’.
The other says: ‘Yeh, I know, I heard it snore’.
Two true stories
When we were first looking at the house we live in now we had our grandson, Ryan, with us. He was about 4 and the house we were looking at was just up the road from where he lives. As we were looking around inside and outside at the property, as you do, we had this wee lad tagging along behind saying "Gee this is a nice house, and it’s on sale too." Take a hint, huh?
Not long after we bought it Ryan and I were out in the garden where there is rather narrow walkway between the back of the house and a raised garden. I was musing really but said out loud "I’m sure we can make this path wider."
Having thought on the matter Ryan pipes up and says "But how are you going to move the house?"
Amazing facts
What do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?
I don’t know, what do you call a sandal wearing Frenchman?
Fellipe Feloppe
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv) , has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you."
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand.
"Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the conversation as ‘awkward.’" -Conan O’Brien
I was reading my class a story titled ‘The Magic School Bus.’ In the story, the bus turns into a spaceship and the teacher takes the class on a tour of the planets. At one point, a tail light gets smashed and the teacher goes out in a spacesuit to fix it. Suddenly, the line that ties her to the rocket breaks and she floats off into space, leaving the children alone.
I asked my class of six-year-olds how they would feel and what they might do if they were on the bus. "I’d scream like a woman!" the first little fellow declared.
My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"
"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the Car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don’t Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."
My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, "Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home."
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
Not so far from the truth from Julie(see last week)
Many years ago as a boy we visited my mother’s parents in Richmond, Victoria and got there just as they were finishing lunch.
The ‘Old Boy’ was looking distinctly down-in-the-mouth as he wiped his face with a napkin and Mum asked him what he was grouchy about.
"What do you think I’m annoyed at?" he said: I got sausages and bread for my lunch and the damn dog got half a roast chook your mother cooked for her!"
Fun with words
"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." –Stephen Leacock
"Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens." –Nick Diamos
"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." –Samuel Butler
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it."
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. During the day I'm an Application Developer for Rotorua District Council and after hours I run Hodgeman Web & Design.
