The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo


While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don’t know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."


Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."


"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw


A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’

The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of test*cles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’

The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off?’ ‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.


"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
–Bernard Bailey


"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can…she’s always on my back." –Scott Wood


John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter,"
he shouted, "Didn’t you hear me say, ‘well done’?"

"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."


A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You’ve got male!


My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."


A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity."

"Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’"


Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A hallway in my house needed more light so I decided to install one of those lights activated by movement. So off I went to the lighting shop and told the helpful assistant that I needed ‘a motion detector for my back passage’.

There was a pause and then she cracked up.


A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn’t.


"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don’t think it’s working." -Fred Marcum


A short story…

The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”. The little pig said “piss off or I’ll sneeze on you”.


A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.

"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.

"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That’s how we got into this mess in the first place."


I telephoned the veterinarian’s office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten’s name?"

"Demon", I replied.

"Demon? That’s an odd name," she said.

"Maybe, but it’s appropriate anyway."

I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato is Spanish for ‘male cat’ (which), Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"

"Yes, it is."

"You really don’t like cats, do you?"


My late mother was too much of a lady to tell anyone they were a liar or a bulls&^t artist when telling a tall one, so she would say, "How dare you insinuate that I should tolerate such diabolical nonsense or is your mental capacity insufficiently developed to comprehend such bombastic phraseology"?. It took me years to wake up to what she was on about.


SHE The stars are really shining bright tonight and look so beautiful don’t they.

HE Darling ,I’m not in a position to say.


"A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car." -Jimmy Fallon


People change politicians for the same reason they change nappies


My wife said “Watcha doin’ today?” I said “Nothing” She said, “You did that yesterday” I said “I wasn’t finished.”


Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl’s school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate con- ditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down
red- faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."


A doctor struck up a conversation with a hard-working 75 year old farmer while suturing a mean cut on the old man’s leathery hand. Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Rudd. The old fella said, "Well, you know, Rudd is a ‘post turtle.’" Unfamiliar with the term, the doctor asked him what he meant. The old man replied, "When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’"

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued: "You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of complete moron put him up there to begin with."


"Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence." –Bill Maher


"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman


A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After ex plaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Diane’s story about the Chinese calligraphy on her sweater reminded me of the T-shirt which I purchased from a clothes chain. I thought it very smart with Chinese characters across the front, cinched in at the waist, except that when I walked through Melbourne’s Chinatown I noticed folk looking at me with a little smile then quickly averting their gaze.

Wondering, I took my fashion item down to the local fish and chip shop where the Chinese guy who spoke English took it out the back to his mother who could read Chinese. He came back with a big smile on his face and told me that my T-shirt said ‘These mountains are beautiful’.


Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation’s economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.


What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question?" Asked the librarian.

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M..!" the librarian said, "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M." "Who said I wanted to get in?", the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."


"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’"
–Peter Kay


"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." –Wendell Johnson


Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They
include:

Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker ..

The Bee Gees — – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

Abba— Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy— I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least: Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again


‘I became a member of The Secret Seven. It’s so secret, I don’t even know who the other six are… ‘

 

I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, ‘what seems to be the problem?’ I said ‘you have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf.’

 

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.

 

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.


Heard this joke this morning, though you might wish to use it:

Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the Juggler!!!!


"My father spent the last 20 years of his life writing letters. If someone thanked him for a wedding present, he thanked them for thanking him and there was no end to the exchange but death." -Evelyn Waugh


"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon


"You’ve got a good lawyer to take care of the estate?"
asked her mother.

"Oh, don’t talk to me about lawyers," said the recent widow angrily. "I’ve had so much trouble over the property.
Sometimes I wish Frank had never died."


This would be funny if it wasn’t true!!!!! It actually happened last week.

We have a small hotel in South West country Victoria and were requested by the Local Council fire officer to clear our block in mid March.(Fire orders usually go out in
November) We were surprised as it was potentially dangerous to do it at that time. We asked if the order could be waived as the fire period was nearly over and it would rain soon anyway.

We were told "no the block had to be cleared."

We then approached the CFA back burn for us. Unfortunately they told us that the block had to have ploughed earth for a distance of 5 metres around the boundary.

It is not possible to do this as the block is very rocky and very steep where it runs down to a creek. To do so would be unsafe.

In the interim it rained holding us up from mowing as it was too wet.

We went back to Council and informed them that it was unsafe to mow the block due to the slope and that the rocky terrain could cause a fire if sparks were created by hitting a rock with the mower.

We were told to do the best you can!!!.

So we did …..To avoid a fine we pulled out the mower on the last day and started to mow the block.

As expected, the mower hit a rock, caused a spark and set alight to the block.

The first thing to catch alight was the mower which is now a write off. However the sight of me trying to reverse a flaming mower out of the inferno screaming "Fire" "Fire"
raised some mirth from the locals.

Naturally the fire brigade was called and the fire was put out. We are now considering putting the charred remnants of the mower in front of the property to promote a new business with a sign saying "Lawn mowing services. Hot prices available."

Next year we are going to commission the council to clear the site for us and sell tickets to the pending entertainment.

The toasted marshmallows should be a hit.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O’Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn’t you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter


Right before Christmas our 4 year old son, Nathan – ok, he’ll be 5 on March 3rd 09, surprised us at the dinner table with this one:

"How did the crocodile eat the brick?"

… pause and use a slow, growling voice (as he did),

"With very sharp teeth and plenty of time!"


"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

“But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I’ve tried that – it’s never worked."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’


Q: What goes cloak, cloak?

A: A Chinese toad.


I’ve just signed for parachute school. I asked the instructor, "How many jumps do I have to make successfully before I graduate?" He said: "All of them."


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin


My daughter has had a terrible time. First off she got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that she got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. Those primary school spelling tests are really hard these days.


I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency."


25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 1)… from Anthony

  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
  2. My mother taught me RELIGION. ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
  3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
  4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
  5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
  6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
  7. My mother taught me IRONY ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
  8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
  9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
  10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
  11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
  12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I’m going to a lecture."

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife."


When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.


An oldie but a goodie

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."


A follow up from last week’s idea about returning junk mail from Kevin

An even better use of "reply paid" envelopes from the junk mail people – wrap up two house bricks and paste the reply paid envelope to the package – you will not get any more junk mail from that company !!!!!

I know it works from experience.


True story

I was minding my 7 year old grandson at his house for a week. I asked him if emptying the dishwasher was part of his jobs for pocket money.

He looked up at me in horror and said "No way, they only gave me an extra 50c for doing the dishwasher, so I quit. I did start again when they offered me a $1 but it still wasn’t enough so I quit again and don’t do it now."…………. A Union Delegate in the making perhaps?


These fit so well they should be in a dictionary!!

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.


Another oldie but goodie

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping …….


Try these on your young children…

Q: What did the farmer say when he saw his cows coming over the hill?

A: "Here come my cows coming over the hill."

 

Q: What did the farmer say when he saw the cows coming over the hill wearing sun glasses?

A: He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t recognize them.


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ‘It’s a period,’ he replied. ‘I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?

‘Darned if I know,’ he said, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.’


I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?" I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what’s in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It’s wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."


Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I’m very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My mother always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for?


My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist…
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.


"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for dinner and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator." –Bill Lawrence


Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn’t Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…"

Morris was now fuming. "What’s the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"


Customer: I’d like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.


A True Story from the Jacksonville , Florida, Police Department

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and rundown the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies "150"
and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says…real slowly.

. "So……………ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"


A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."


Some wife one-liners

  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

An Israeli doctor says, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A Russian doctor says, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”


One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. “It’s a boy,”
she announced, “six feet tall, 178 pounds!”


A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”


My mother had us in stitches on Mother’s Day. She told us the tale of a 96 year-old gentleman who goes to her oil painting classes . Recently, he was finally talked into moving into a retirement unit by his son. A couple of weeks later he returned to his son’s home in a taxi. When asked why he had left he admitted that the food was good but the place was full of boring, old people!


Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, “Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn’t he?”

The other replied, “He ought to; he hasn’t had a drink in three days.”


“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” –Ira Gassen


A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”

“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.

“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”


A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. “

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”


A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”


It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God; the cook’s working for the Germans!”

Think before you lie

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
Continue reading Think before you lie