The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My mother always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for?

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My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist…
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.

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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for dinner and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator." –Bill Lawrence

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Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn’t Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…"

Morris was now fuming. "What’s the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

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Customer: I’d like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

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A True Story from the Jacksonville , Florida, Police Department

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and rundown the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies "150"
and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says…real slowly.

. "So……………ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"

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A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."

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Some wife one-liners

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
• What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
  About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
• I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

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An Israeli doctor says, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A Russian doctor says, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”

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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. “It’s a boy,”
she announced, “six feet tall, 178 pounds!”

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A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

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My mother had us in stitches on Mother’s Day. She told us the tale of a 96 year-old gentleman who goes to her oil painting classes . Recently, he was finally talked into moving into a retirement unit by his son. A couple of weeks later he returned to his son’s home in a taxi. When asked why he had left he admitted that the food was good but the place was full of boring, old people!

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Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, “Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn’t he?”

The other replied, “He ought to; he hasn’t had a drink in three days.”

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“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” –Ira Gassen

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A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”

“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.

“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

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A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. “

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”

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It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God; the cook’s working for the Germans!”

Think before you lie

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”