The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?, asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That’s easy," said Tom. "You just say ‘Of course I will’".

"Yeah", said Eric, "That’s what I did, except I said, ‘Of course I DO….’"

A little girl’s Christmas wish:

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer,

Amen.."

A couple of days ago my wife and I, our oldest daughter and her nine year old were driving back home from our youngest daughter’s wedding. It had been a great day and we were discussing the event.

Our youngest is a very short and petite lady who has trouble (!) finding clothes small and slim enough for her. But she managed to get a suitable and beautiful wedding dress without having one specially made.

Conversation in the car went as follows Older Daughter – didn’t she look lovely in her dress? My wife – yes, and it cost less than $1000 too Nine year Old grand son – A thousand dollars!!!!! and she will only wear it once !!!! Me – Well he’s growing up to be a proper bloke!

Not sure that my response was really appreciated by the ladies.

The quotes from youngsters in church, reminds me that for years I thought in the Lord’s Prayer that the line "forgive us all evil." was "forgive us all eagle." I just couldn’t understand 1.) Why it was all eagle and not all eagles and 2.) Why the God should forgive us for eagles!

Well, at least I knew something about grammar!

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…. You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes."

An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat."

In the fun world of the administration of NZ Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example: On a bitterly cold winter’s day several weeks ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What’s the matter?" asked the constable. "Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out." "Can’t." "OK, watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded …."

Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS
A. A crazy bitch that can find you.

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."

So the maid takes his peter and lays it out on a marble bench. She then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his peter causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well….?"

She proudly replies:

"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God".

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars…"

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you…."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I’ll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." –P. J.
O’Rourke

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

True story

My seven year old grandson was telling me he was tha fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the school. I said ‘ i would like to hear you are the best reader in school or the best at maths"’ He looked very plaintive and said ‘there are thousands of kids at my school!!!

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride.

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."

"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can’t find a good man, raise one." –Unknown

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ”It’s my fooken wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve fooken killed her!”

Operator: ”Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!”

*click* … *BANG*

Irishman: ”Okay, I’ve fooken done that. What next?”

If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share withthe same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I’m in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won’t let me."

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

2007 Suzuki GSX-R1000 K7

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Made a special trip away from the office today, I hoped on an Intercity bus in Rotorua at 8:30am and headed to Auckland. I did this to pick up a Suzuki GSX-R1000 K7 (2007) motorcycle from Haldane’s motorcycles in Penrose, Auckland.

My first impressions were damn!, this thing looks mean as and sounds ever better!

My first ride was 100m down the road to fill up the 17 litre tank for the trip back to Rotorua. The noise this thing makes is incredible, it’s hard to believe this thing is legal.

After a quick top up it was back onto the road making sure to put my earplugs in first so as to reduce the damage to my ear canals!

The ride back to Rotorua was great, the weather was fantastic, the traffic was minimal but there where heaps of police around. Mind you I wasn’t going to be stupid on my brand new bike that has 162bhp at the rear wheel. I’ve been told by the guys at AMPS who dyno’d it last September that it creates 77ft lbs of torque.

I’m glad I had my ear plugs in as this is makes quite a noise. The exhaust is a Taylormade and is obviously very unrestrictive as it doesn’t take any prisoners.

Visit bikepics.com to see all the photos I’ve loaded of all the bikes I’ve owned.

2009 Suzuki SFV650 Gladius

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Today I had the chance to take out a demo 2009 Suzuki SFV650 Gladius from Boyd Motorcycles in Hamilton.
First impressions were not too bad, some similar styling and performance to my brother in law’s Triumph Street Triple.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Iz0xlLDpjU

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I’d had enough of my employees’ abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."

My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly- button pierced. "No way!" my father fired back. "This is an Air Force family — no navel destroyers are allowed!"

Our daughter moved out of home over a year ago. We really miss her so were very excited when townhouses began to be built across to road to our place. I rang her immediately, suggesting she should quickly put down a deposit on one before they all sold. There was silence on the end of the line for a few seconds before she responded that she didn’t want to take the risk. I assured her that if she was worried about missing a payment now and then, we would certainly help her out.

"It isn’t that," she moaned. "I don’t want to risk you turning into the grandmother from that T.V. show ‘Everyone Loves Raymond!’

"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright

Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.

"Why?"

"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me."

"What’d you do?"

"I asked her for her phone number."

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island.
Which leads to the question, ‘If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?’" -Jay Leno

This Irish bus driver decided to do things a little differently. Instead of jumping over buses on a motorcycle he decided to jump over some motorcycles in his bus. So he lined up a few motorcycles and off he went. He would’ve made it too but halfway across someone rang the bell…..

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’ The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’ The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’ The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’ The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, ‘Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison.’

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, "I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here’s some good news," said the secretary.

"You’re not sterile."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000.00 ring.

The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000.00′ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the older man.

‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’

"Be alert…the world needs more lerts." — Anonymous

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Blackpool. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered "Yeah, but you’ve got a driver…"

"There’s a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they’d eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn’t true." –Ian Hart

A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn’t decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler- ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!

During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"