"The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes." -Jay Leno
Movie Quotes – The First Drafts
"I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I’d jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?"
"I’ll be back. Do you need anything while I’m out?" Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies
A hallway in my house needed more light so I decided to install one of those lights activated by movement. So off I went to the lighting shop and told the helpful assistant that I needed ‘a motion detector for my back passage’.
There was a pause and then she cracked up.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn’t.
"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don’t think it’s working." -Fred Marcum
A short story…
The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”. The little pig said “piss off or I’ll sneeze on you”.
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.
"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That’s how we got into this mess in the first place."
I telephoned the veterinarian’s office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten’s name?"
"Demon", I replied.
"Demon? That’s an odd name," she said.
"Maybe, but it’s appropriate anyway."
I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato is Spanish for ‘male cat’ (which), Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
"You really don’t like cats, do you?"
My late mother was too much of a lady to tell anyone they were a liar or a bulls&^t artist when telling a tall one, so she would say, "How dare you insinuate that I should tolerate such diabolical nonsense or is your mental capacity insufficiently developed to comprehend such bombastic phraseology"?. It took me years to wake up to what she was on about.
SHE The stars are really shining bright tonight and look so beautiful don’t they.
HE Darling ,I’m not in a position to say.
"A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car." -Jimmy Fallon
People change politicians for the same reason they change nappies
My wife said “Watcha doin’ today?” I said “Nothing” She said, “You did that yesterday” I said “I wasn’t finished.”
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl’s school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate con- ditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A doctor struck up a conversation with a hard-working 75 year old farmer while suturing a mean cut on the old man’s leathery hand. Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Rudd. The old fella said, "Well, you know, Rudd is a ‘post turtle.’" Unfamiliar with the term, the doctor asked him what he meant. The old man replied, "When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’"
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued: "You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of complete moron put him up there to begin with."
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence." –Bill Maher
"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After ex plaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
This kid has some talent for word play.
Very funny stuff
A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.
As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, ‘What’s this?’ It’s a Lion,’ the boy replied. ‘That’s good,’ said Grandfather. ‘And what’s this in the next one?’ ‘Its tiger’ replied the boy.
‘Well done,’ said Grandfather ‘you’re so clever. And what’s the big one over there.’ ‘It’s a fricking elephant.’ Said the boy gleefully. ‘What did you say,’ queried the Grandfather? ‘A fricking elephant,’ he repeated. ‘And where did you learn that?’ asked Grandfather sternly. ‘Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish city office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a cent to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army ?’
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, ‘Uh… no, I didn’t know that.’
‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘my brother, a disabled Vietnam veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and their six children.’
The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. ‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’
The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’
And the lawyer says, ‘So…if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?
While watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
‘Excuse me,’ I said, ‘I can’t hear.’
‘I should hope not,’ she replied sharply. ‘This is a private conversation.’
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’ Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……
……. . . .
“Bug gers won’t let me far t.’
‘According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.’ -Jay Leno
Funny things are all around us……….
I was standing in a shopping centre and a young dad walked past me with a toddler in a trolley. The toddler was earnestly trying to tell him something important but it just came out as babble. The dad stopped walking, looked straight at the little guy and said ‘I’m sorry mate but I don’t speak Swahili!’
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO…..,’ answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’
Two guys are in a bar talking.
‘I fought over a girl last night.’
‘Oh, yeah? With whom?’
‘With my wife.’
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tam pons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’ ‘Eight,’the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me.
They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either one.’
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he’d tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the ‘Irish Times Newspaper’
“OYSTERS KILL PATRICK”
My Pop is so forgetful he once spent three hours in a grandfather clock trying to make a phone call.
Jason told me about this while they were over the other night, health this is funny as hell!
Well, if you haven’t already subscribed to the Adrian Hodge.com video podcast then you wouldn’t have been aware of the latest video posted into the video gallery of our little monkey man, Joshua.
Titled Screaming, Mad Dad, this video is sure to bring a smile to your face.
I added it to the top of the scrolling thumbnails (the selection window on the right had side of the video player).
Click the image below to link to the video gallery to watch the latest addition now.
Then stay subscribed to receive the latest videos as soon as they are posted.
Subscribe using the button below and get all the videos to watch anytime on your PC, Mac or 5th gen video iPod!
This movie has been in the making for 18 years!!
Releasing worldwide on July 27th 2007
The Simpsons Movie
Joshua and I have been looking forward to this all of his life, it looks to have take-offs from other movies like the Scary Movies did.
Should be very funny, I’ve added a short funny trailer below, but be sure to visit the site below to watch the other trailers.
The latest trailer is much longer and has way more snippets from the movie, a very worthy watch.
[coolplayer width=”480″ height=”200″ autoplay=”0″ loop=”0″ charset=”utf-8″ download=”0″ mediatype=””]
The Simpsons Movie
Audio from the funny movie by the makers of Southpark. It’s exaggerated Thunderbirds mets Jerry Bruckheimer action movie, funny as heck if you like stupid funny. Not Kim’s cup of tea…
Team America Theme (Song)
Everyone has AIDS (Song)
My Time is Extremely Vaulable
This is a nice Limo
Now I’ve Seen Everything
Dicks, Pussies & Assholes
Only A Woman (Song)
I’m So Wonely (Song)