The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room …"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !!!

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

U2 360° Tour – 12hr round trip

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It pays to be active on Facebook these days, on Wednesday November 24, 2010 I won 2x PL1 tickets to U2’s second ‘360° Tour’ Auckland show via Vodafone New Zealand’s Facebook page. The tickets had a total retail value of $670.

So I put in for a half day leave for Friday afternoon, invited my workmate who was celebrating her birthday on Thursday 25 November. And before you ask, I had asked my wife but she wasn’t too fussed with seeing U2 or having to organise a baby sitter. Continue reading U2 360° Tour – 12hr round trip

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.


I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep h er cool.. "That’s interesting,"
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."


Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Shell Petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’


My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."


"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.

My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’

‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.’" –Rita Rudner


True story

A few days after visiting a pet store, my son (6 yrs) said to his mother. "I would really love to get one of those Siberian husky dogs mummy". To try and put him off the idea, his mother said "We already have two dogs and Siberian huskies need walking twice a day". My son’s reply "Gee, that will keep you busy mummy".


A real corny one from a nine year old

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. He wanted to reach the bottom!


This is bad, but reading some of the puns in this week’s edition has encouraged me to send this …

Did you hear about the concreter who gave up his job because he found the work too hard?


True story

I had to go with my 62 yr old mum to Prince Charles Hospital emergency department here in Brisbane– she had a minor set of symptoms but the ambos said she should go in for a check.

Mum was a bit disoriented, and this loosened up her sense of humor. While waiting in a cubicle for nearly two hours for a doctor to see her, we were watching the passing parade, which happened to include a very nice looking young male doctor. He was probably a few years older than Doogie Howser. I made several comments like “ He’s a cute looking young doctor” and “have a look when he comes by again” when my silver-haired, usually conservative, mother leans forward and says : ”tell him if he comes over here he can look at acute angina”.

Needless to say, I couldn’t breathe properly for nearly ten minutes due to the hysterical laughter this comment caused.
My mother was no better – convulsed on the examination table with tears of laughter rolling down her face. At one point I had to grab a tissue from my handbag and pretend that I was crying and coughing as I thought the duty nurses were going to come in to see what the hell was going on.

I thought I was going to need to see the doctor.

My sister gets to take her next time.


The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the V*rgin Mary"

Tiger: "You’re a day late."


"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O’Brien


"Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage." -Jay Leno

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stop Press

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious… Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York …. now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now,you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I’ve just found out I’m five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who’s speaking?"


The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery’s’ waiting room. "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!"

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. "He’s got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That’s because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn’t know he’s dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"

"Your glass is empty O’Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O’Flaherty.


"I’m getting older and I’m thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I’m trying to cut back on my cholesterol." –Brenda Pontiff


Q. What’s round, got teeth and bites
. A vicious circle


Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in some high schools any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests…

  • The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
  • Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days – Origami Bank has folded,

Sumo Bank has gone belly up,

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches,

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived,

500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop,

and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that clients and staff may get a raw deal.


At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? –Unknown


It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. –Sam Levenson


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, ‘Would you like to make love?”No!’ she answered.’Is that your final answer?’ I said.’Yes!’ she replied.I then said, ‘I’d like to phone a friend.’


On the first day of spring training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run he’d be at Flemington!"


A man in filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone out with the girls. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o’clock on Channel 2."


"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn’t it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." —Scott Ostler


Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:

  • Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won’t ever connect at 56k.
  • Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
  • T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
  • The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
  • Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii.
  • Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files– no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

While on holidays, I saw this written on a notice in a shop. I took a sneaky photo so I could pass it on to the gang…

CRICKET

You have two sides of eleven men, one in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he is out he comes in and the next man goes in until he is out. When both sides have been in and are all out, they all come in and the game is over.


There were still a few minutes left before the flight. Sam was thanking George for being such a good host. "My room was great. The food was terrific. You didn’t bug me. And, more than anything else, thanks for letting me sleep with your wife. She was the best I ever had!"

Boarding was announced. George waived goodbye and left. A stranger walked over to Sam and said, "Pardon me, but did I hear you just thank that man for letting you sleep with his wife? And that she was the best you ever had?"

Sam said, "She really wasn’t, but that George is just such a nice guy."