Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s a good idea to get engaged on Valentines Day. The other 60 percent were men." -Conan O’Brien


I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.


An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.

After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We’ll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath.’"


A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."


If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, …Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!


That was a lovely story and I have one of my own that might make you smile too. Our 6year old grandson has just finished prep and although he can spell a lot of words correctly he often gets the right letters but in the wrong order. Consequently his Christmas wish list began, "Dear Satan,…"
One for his 21st don’t you think?


Harry is at his local discussing nicknames with his mates—George has started calling his wife "Harvey Norman" he says..

Why is that??? "No interest for 18 months"

(Harvey Norman is a huge retail store)


There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"

The redneck with he sack answered, "I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right."

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"


Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."


Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug that thing in."


A backwoodsman was making his first visit to a city hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, "What’s that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don’t know nothing now."


There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"


Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stray cat with a crocodile?
A: An alley gator.

Q: Where do cows go on their first date?
A: To the moo-vies.

Q: Why did the talking bird join the air force?
A: He wanted to be a parrot-trooper.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling – With all the others, I was awake."


"According to the ‘Wall Street Journal’, researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity. They said if it wasn’t for our brains, we would all be thin. That’s why supermodels are so skinny." –Jay Leno

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password……. she said that it had to be at least eight characters long.


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.


A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24."

"Stuff me," says the bingo caller. "You’ve won the raffle as well!!"


"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." –Elayne Boosler


98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don’t sell that cow."


Three religious leaders were discussing how they divided up the offering with regard what was spent doing God’s work and what was used for their "expenses"

…the first guy said " I take the money into the vestry where I have a line drawn…

I throw the money in the air and what lands on the right I use for God’s work and what lands on the left I use"

…the second guy says "I have a similar system but I stand in a circle what lands inside the circle I use for God’s work and outside I use"

…the third leader admits to a similar system but says he simply throws the money into the air and "what stays up I use for God’s work….."


Q. how does the blind parachutist know when he is getting close to the ground.?

A. the lead on the guide dog goes slack.


"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month’s Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." –Dennis Miller


"I was walking through the park last night and had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know…I should have heard them hiding." –Emo Philips


A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn’t have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"


"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where’d you pick ’em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I’ll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."


‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: ‘Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’