The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can’t forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application. I should have taking advice on vehicles before making a decision. "

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win lottery’ ‘What’s dat’, says his mate.

‘Send me lawn away to be cut’

"Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography." -Robert Byrne Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’ Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"According to the National Institute of Health, as people age, their brains respond less strongly to rewards. They say older people become less excited when they win some- thing. Whoever did this study has never seen a bingo game." -Jay Leno

I believe my little daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don’t know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large piece of red machinery.

Mick says "What the hell are you doing Paddy?"

Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on lately and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor." Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."

That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.

"It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Volcano jokes

  • Sorry for the flight delays, Europe. We were aiming for London, but it’s hard to be accurate when firing a volcano
  • There’s no pleasing the English. The last time they got the Ashes they were over the moon
  • Iceland goes bankrupt, then manage to set their island on fire. Insurance scam written all over it
  • I think it’s too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano…we should at least wait until the dust settles
  • Time for the USA to attack Iceland for possessing weapons of mass disruption
  • The last wish of the Icelandic economy was to have its ashes scattered over Europe

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number."

A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this – have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

The man replied, "Yes, I have. I’ve been divorced three times, I bought a Pajero once and I voted for Kevin Rudd."

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan.
Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! They help him out and call an ambulance and in a medical miracle he lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

Just thought I’d share a delightful little adage I just saw on The ABC show with Stephen Fry on the program "QI"

"Friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it’s warmth"

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.

"How do I stop?" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife’s here with his lunch"

"I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious." –George Carlin

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.
She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

Two Irishmen making a letter bomb

Paddy – Do you think I’ve put enough explosives in?

Mick – Dunno open it and see.

Paddy – But it will explode.

Mick – Don’t be dumb Paddy it’s not addressed to you.

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

I was really annoyed when I lost out on winning the pub Trivia quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently it’s Africa .

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle", I said. "What else do you have?" "A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It whined.

Q: Why was the queen’s room flooded?
A: Because she’s reigned for many years!

Q: What kind of dog can tell time?
A: A watchdog.

Q: What do you call a fish that can communicate in binary?
A: A Data Bass.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Our new Kindergarten class returned to school for their second day. A little boy sitting at the front, with a concerned look on his face, put up his hand. "Will any of us graduate today?" he asked.

Some bad puns

  1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
    it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a
    little behind in his work.
  4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
  5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
    in Linoleum Blownapart.
  6. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
    hit me.
  8. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  9. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  10. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

True stories from precious seniors

Vera had a wicked sense of humour and was having her mental health assessed, and when asked when her birthday was? says “2nd March “ when asked what year is that? She says “Every year”


Mary who had dementia, was being admitted to the nursing home and the nurse was trying to attain what her memory was like. After telling Mary who she was and questioning her for the endless paperwork, the nurse then asks “Do you know who I am?” Mary looks at her and smiles and says “Why darling have you forgotten who you are to?

Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.

How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That’s fine," replied the girl. "I’ll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

We were eating out at a restaurant the other day and our daughter said to us Daughter: "I know what I am going to do when I am older" Mum: "and whats that?" Daughter: "I am going to be a PE teacher, and a mum … AND I am going to own a restaurant" Mum: "Wow … that sounds like a lot …"
Daughter: "And you know what? … I am going to WORK TOO!"

Well that just cracked me up …… from the mouth of a 5 year old!

A woman gave birth in a new state of the art delivery suite. It was so hi-tech that the baby came out cordless.

“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.” ~ Rita Mae Brown

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Australia….Kevin Rudd. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. The enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $2.73 million on the enquiry, a special Royal Commission presented the following findings:

  1. The stamp is in perfect order.
  2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
  3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, ‘Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?’

‘Bejaysus —- Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because,’ said Mick, ‘the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.’

Paddy said, ‘Stupid idiots, the laugh’s on them ….. I wasn’t home yesterday.’

Customer, "I’m sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don’t have anything left over for a tip."

Waiter, "One moment, sir, and I’ll add up the bill again."

Latest from Belfast:

Peter Robinson is having trouble with his eyes because someone poked a finger in his Iris.

Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?’" -Dave Letterman

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.

Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely.
Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!