A couple are lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
A speaker was about to address a public meeting when he realised he’d lost his false teeth.
He told the chairman he wouldn’t be able to deliver his speech.
But a man in the front row produced a pair from his pocket and said "Why don’t you try these?".
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You’ll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"
One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.
"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’" –Peter Kay
Classified Ad from local newspaper
09′ Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.
It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn’t mean what I thought. Call Steve. 5555-1212.
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?" –Ronnie Shakes
When my two boys were aged 3 and 5 we moved to a country town.Next door was a vacant block and beyond that a house where an old man lived with his very old sister. One day my sons wandered over and talked to the man over his fence.
Soon they came running into the house very excited.
Mum, guess what the man next door is doing? What, I asked?
He’s minding his own business, was the animated reply.The next day the man appeared at my door and gruffly offered me some plums from his tree.
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquorstore and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
Get help immediately.
For the kids
Q: Why did they have a funeral for the frog?
A: Because he croaked.
Q: Why did the ox lose his job on the farm?
A: Because he couldn’t take a yoke.
Q: Why are movie stars so cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.
Q: Who earns a living driving customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
A little known fact…. The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
"The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except, of course women, slaves and poor people." -Dave Barry
The Pope and Kevin Rudd (Prime Minister) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me." So the Pope backhanded the prime minister.
A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!" Her husband yells back, "But what should I pack?"
The wife replies, "I DON’T CARE! JUST PACK AND GET THE HELL OUT!"
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.
"She doesn’t know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn’t know what a phone booth is."
Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand. And won first prize.
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."
I was reading my class a story titled ‘The Magic School Bus.’ In the story, the bus turns into a spaceship and the teacher takes the class on a tour of the planets. At one point, a tail light gets smashed and the teacher goes out in a spacesuit to fix it. Suddenly, the line that ties her to the rocket breaks and she floats off into space, leaving the children alone.
I asked my class of six-year-olds how they would feel and what they might do if they were on the bus. "I’d scream like a woman!" the first little fellow declared.
My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"
"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the Car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don’t Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."
My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, "Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home."
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
Not so far from the truth from Julie(see last week)
Many years ago as a boy we visited my mother’s parents in Richmond, Victoria and got there just as they were finishing lunch.
The ‘Old Boy’ was looking distinctly down-in-the-mouth as he wiped his face with a napkin and Mum asked him what he was grouchy about.
"What do you think I’m annoyed at?" he said: I got sausages and bread for my lunch and the damn dog got half a roast chook your mother cooked for her!"
Fun with words
"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." –Stephen Leacock
"Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens." –Nick Diamos
"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." –Samuel Butler
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it."
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
The funniest thing I heard this week was a mother calling into a radio station complaining about the school holidays.
She said, “Life is short… but school holidays seem to go on forever!”
Another woman suggested that all you need is a large supply of riddles…. Here is one from Joy…
Q. How do Teddy Bears start a race?
A. Ready, Teddy, Go
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Probably not," answers the keeper.
"Why not?" persists the visitor.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A. About half way.
"What they put women through today when they’re having a baby! They don’t want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn’t wake up till I was seven." –Dennis Wolfberg
A chicken and a duck were standing on the side of the road.
The chicken turned to the duck and said "Don’t! You’ll never hear the end of it."
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."
There was once an doctor who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch – this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"
The doctor replied, "That’s no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri." "OK", said the genie, and a Ferrari appeared in front of the doctor. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferraris’," the genie told the doctor.
The doctor remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for 10 million bucks." So 10 million bucks appeared in front of the doctor and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 20 million bucks."
The doctor was non-committal and then said, "I always wished I could donate a kidney!"
At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?"
"No," I told him. "We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic."
He arrived early.
A while back I was reading an engineering magazine which contained an advertisement for "microtunnelling". I wondered what microtunnelling was until I realised it was a little bit boring.
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate maths, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers I’d say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I’m not that kind!"
"Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.
"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"
"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.
"What’s the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Q. What do you call two straight days of rain in Auckland?
A. A weekend!
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once we’re worriers
"To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He’s just praying that nothing bad will happen…like night." -Jimmy Fallon
In a brave and decisive move, disregarding the counsel of many of his conservative advisors, President Bush asked Congress to increase the penalty for corporate malfeasance from not going to jail for 10 years to not going to jail for 20 years.
Q. What do you get if you cross a doberman with Lassie ?
A. A dog that rips your arm off and goes for help.
Today I attempted to explain to my class what a mobile library is. "If something is mobile, it means that it can move around, and not just be in one place, such as a mobile phone," I hinted, "so, what might a mobile library be?" One little fellow put up his hand with a big grin. "It’s a library full of phones!" he declared.
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break- fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.
"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he’d finished.
"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."
"My mother used to say"….. Actually it was my father in law who used to say when he finished a meal "I’m totally fed up". We knew what he meant!
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it’s superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."
A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get outta here, man–we don’t serve your kind here." The mushroom responds, "Why not? I’m a fun-guy."
Following on from the euthanased/anaethestised story: I once took my sick 10 year old daughter with me to work, and on the way had to take her tiny chichihua to the vet to have a grass seed removed from its ear. Vet examined the dog, and said "To get that out, we’ll have to put her to sleep." Of course, daughter only hear the last part, and became instantly hysterical, assuming it was the euphemism for euthanasia rather than anaesthesia. So I’m trying to separate hysterical child from grabbing hysterical dog, yelling at both of them, while the poor vet is standing there wondering what he just said.
The saying that I remember from way back was:
Have you the ordassaty to insinuate that I would tolerate such bombastic faciology from a low down no good ninkenpoop like you. and still to this day, I don’t really know what it means, but I’m a mother of 3 teenager daughters and 1 male toddler and I say it to them and it puts them in line, cause they don’t know what I’m saying either, but they sure listen.
Q. What do you find on small beaches?
ALL MY LIFE I WANTED TO BE A FAILURE…UP UNTIL NOW I’VE BEEN A ROARING SUCCESS!!!
How would you pronounce this child’s name? "Le-a"
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Detroit, MI. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It’s pronounced "Ledasha"; When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don’t be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If they axe you why, tell them "the dash don’t be silent."
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I’m tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."
"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie…"
"You’re not listening to me," the director protested. "I don’t want to make any more movies."
"But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed.
"I don’t want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.
"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"
"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare…How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!"
"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There’s only one small hitch… I’ve got a girlfriend who sings…" With The Ashes about to start, this is from Dugald.
In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . . Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides – one out on the field, and the other in. Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he’s out and then he comes in. When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in. Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out. When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in – that is the end of the game . . . .
A hallway in my house needed more light so I decided to install one of those lights activated by movement. So off I went to the lighting shop and told the helpful assistant that I needed ‘a motion detector for my back passage’.
There was a pause and then she cracked up.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn’t.
"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don’t think it’s working." -Fred Marcum
A short story…
The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”. The little pig said “piss off or I’ll sneeze on you”.
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.
"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That’s how we got into this mess in the first place."
I telephoned the veterinarian’s office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten’s name?"
"Demon", I replied.
"Demon? That’s an odd name," she said.
"Maybe, but it’s appropriate anyway."
I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato is Spanish for ‘male cat’ (which), Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
"You really don’t like cats, do you?"
My late mother was too much of a lady to tell anyone they were a liar or a bulls&^t artist when telling a tall one, so she would say, "How dare you insinuate that I should tolerate such diabolical nonsense or is your mental capacity insufficiently developed to comprehend such bombastic phraseology"?. It took me years to wake up to what she was on about.
SHE The stars are really shining bright tonight and look so beautiful don’t they.
HE Darling ,I’m not in a position to say.
"A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car." -Jimmy Fallon
People change politicians for the same reason they change nappies
My wife said “Watcha doin’ today?” I said “Nothing” She said, “You did that yesterday” I said “I wasn’t finished.”
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl’s school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate con- ditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A doctor struck up a conversation with a hard-working 75 year old farmer while suturing a mean cut on the old man’s leathery hand. Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Rudd. The old fella said, "Well, you know, Rudd is a ‘post turtle.’" Unfamiliar with the term, the doctor asked him what he meant. The old man replied, "When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’"
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued: "You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of complete moron put him up there to begin with."
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence." –Bill Maher
"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After ex plaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ‘service’.
This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those ‘service’ agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
When I was based in Japan in 1953, a couple of my mates and I were showing a new arrival around Iwakuni. He was an RAAF signaller who was a Japanese linguist. One of the US Navy wives from the base was walking toward us. She was very attractive and was what we called in those days, “a sweater girl”. ie. she was “stacked. She was wearing a tight white sleeveless sweater with two Japanese characters on the left front. After we had passed her, the signaller burst out laughing. He said the writing on her sweater, in colloquial Japanese, spelled “Left Tit”. I wonder if anyone ever told her.
It was my birthday and a little girl in my class brought in a present for me. “So did you pick this lovely gift or did Mummy?” I asked her. “Nobody,” she replied proudly. “Mummy said it was just some old thing lying around the house that she was given for Christmas and that I could give it to you!”
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started….
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln’s cry. “Kemosabe… Apache to East!” he whispered.
The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. “What do we do?”
Tonto pondered a moment. “We ride West!”
After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. “Kemosabe… Apache to West!”
The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. “What should we do?”
Tonto scratched his head in thought. “We ride North!”
After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. “Kemosabe… Apache to North!”
“What do we do now?” his companion asked.
Without hesitation, Tonto replied, “We ride South!”
Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. “Kemosabe… Apache to South!”
Worried, the Lone One asked him, “NOW what do we do?”
Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. “What do you mean “WE”, White Man?”
Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him. For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said. “That’s odd,” the neighbor replied, “so does mine.”
I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to An upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle Of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children Became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.
She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, “Mom usually Drinks a lot more than that!”
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.
“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk tech- nician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”
“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”
Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. “Nice belt!”
“And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do.” –Jay Leno
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” -Sam Levenson
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg
“Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?” -Conan O’Brien
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.”Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity.”
“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.” One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'”
A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force – The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."
If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,
‘Talking Dog for Sale.’
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..’ You talk?’ he asked.’Yes,’ the Lab replied. ‘So, what’s the story?’
The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’ ‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. ‘Ten euros.’ the man said. ‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.’
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’
demanded the rep.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board .
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’ ‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer…
My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.
"Do you know what they say?"
"I’m afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."
"Cheap, but good." — Mike Goodell, Apopka, Fla.
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware."
A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."
IQ test ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.
Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. This is so cool…..
Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well.
A year 4 student came up to me and asked " Mr Harmer, what is a shi tzu? I replied, " well it’s a little dog that is usually white and fluffy." She replied, " my mum told me it was a zoo with no animals!"
Further to the kids’ riddles:
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A. Do you think he saw us, Rex?
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?"
replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her appendix out!"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
Stock market quote of the week
“This is worse than a divorce… I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have my wife.”
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." —Mark Twain
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, ‘I know what the Bible means!’ His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means? The son replied, ‘I do know!’
‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy…’ the young boy replied excitedly, ‘
It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife went to a marriage counselor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you’re not eating right."
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?"
The man said, "I’ll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I’d better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."
"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." —Demetri Martin
"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date."—Caroline Rhea
"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." —Dave Barry
I’ve been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellas, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father’s mouth is agape.
"That was beautiful," said the dad.
The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn’t get into it and I should have faded it a little more."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I’ve left a tricky little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.
The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven’t played much lately, and I’m a little rusty. "Maybe I’ll really get into this next drive."
Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde’s ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to the her.
"That’s a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"