A couple are lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
A speaker was about to address a public meeting when he realised he’d lost his false teeth.
He told the chairman he wouldn’t be able to deliver his speech.
But a man in the front row produced a pair from his pocket and said "Why don’t you try these?".
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You’ll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"
One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.
"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’" –Peter Kay
Classified Ad from local newspaper
09′ Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.
It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn’t mean what I thought. Call Steve. 5555-1212.
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?" –Ronnie Shakes
True story
When my two boys were aged 3 and 5 we moved to a country town.Next door was a vacant block and beyond that a house where an old man lived with his very old sister. One day my sons wandered over and talked to the man over his fence.
Soon they came running into the house very excited.
Mum, guess what the man next door is doing? What, I asked?
He’s minding his own business, was the animated reply.The next day the man appeared at my door and gruffly offered me some plums from his tree.
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquorstore and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
Get help immediately.
For the kids
Q: Why did they have a funeral for the frog?
A: Because he croaked.
Q: Why did the ox lose his job on the farm?
A: Because he couldn’t take a yoke.
Q: Why are movie stars so cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.
Q: Who earns a living driving customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
A little known fact…. The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
"The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except, of course women, slaves and poor people." -Dave Barry
The Pope and Kevin Rudd (Prime Minister) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me." So the Pope backhanded the prime minister.
A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!" Her husband yells back, "But what should I pack?"
The wife replies, "I DON’T CARE! JUST PACK AND GET THE HELL OUT!"
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.
"She doesn’t know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn’t know what a phone booth is."
Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand. And won first prize.
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."
I was reading my class a story titled ‘The Magic School Bus.’ In the story, the bus turns into a spaceship and the teacher takes the class on a tour of the planets. At one point, a tail light gets smashed and the teacher goes out in a spacesuit to fix it. Suddenly, the line that ties her to the rocket breaks and she floats off into space, leaving the children alone.
I asked my class of six-year-olds how they would feel and what they might do if they were on the bus. "I’d scream like a woman!" the first little fellow declared.
My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"
"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the Car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don’t Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."
My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, "Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home."
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
Not so far from the truth from Julie(see last week)
Many years ago as a boy we visited my mother’s parents in Richmond, Victoria and got there just as they were finishing lunch.
The ‘Old Boy’ was looking distinctly down-in-the-mouth as he wiped his face with a napkin and Mum asked him what he was grouchy about.
"What do you think I’m annoyed at?" he said: I got sausages and bread for my lunch and the damn dog got half a roast chook your mother cooked for her!"
Fun with words
"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." –Stephen Leacock
"Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens." –Nick Diamos
"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." –Samuel Butler
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it."
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
The funniest thing I heard this week was a mother calling into a radio station complaining about the school holidays.
She said, “Life is short… but school holidays seem to go on forever!”
Another woman suggested that all you need is a large supply of riddles…. Here is one from Joy…
Q. How do Teddy Bears start a race?
A. Ready, Teddy, Go
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Probably not," answers the keeper.
"Why not?" persists the visitor.
"Would you?"
Q. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A. About half way.
"What they put women through today when they’re having a baby! They don’t want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn’t wake up till I was seven." –Dennis Wolfberg
A chicken and a duck were standing on the side of the road.
The chicken turned to the duck and said "Don’t! You’ll never hear the end of it."
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."
There was once an doctor who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch – this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"
The doctor replied, "That’s no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri." "OK", said the genie, and a Ferrari appeared in front of the doctor. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferraris’," the genie told the doctor.
The doctor remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for 10 million bucks." So 10 million bucks appeared in front of the doctor and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 20 million bucks."
The doctor was non-committal and then said, "I always wished I could donate a kidney!"
At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?"
"No," I told him. "We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic."
He arrived early.
A while back I was reading an engineering magazine which contained an advertisement for "microtunnelling". I wondered what microtunnelling was until I realised it was a little bit boring.
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate maths, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers I’d say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I’m not that kind!"
"Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.
"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"
"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.
"What’s the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. During the day I'm an Application Developer for Rotorua District Council and after hours I run Hodgeman Web & Design.
