The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I’m going to a lecture."

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife."


When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.


An oldie but a goodie

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."


A follow up from last week’s idea about returning junk mail from Kevin

An even better use of "reply paid" envelopes from the junk mail people – wrap up two house bricks and paste the reply paid envelope to the package – you will not get any more junk mail from that company !!!!!

I know it works from experience.


True story

I was minding my 7 year old grandson at his house for a week. I asked him if emptying the dishwasher was part of his jobs for pocket money.

He looked up at me in horror and said "No way, they only gave me an extra 50c for doing the dishwasher, so I quit. I did start again when they offered me a $1 but it still wasn’t enough so I quit again and don’t do it now."…………. A Union Delegate in the making perhaps?


These fit so well they should be in a dictionary!!

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.


Another oldie but goodie

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping …….


Try these on your young children…

Q: What did the farmer say when he saw his cows coming over the hill?

A: "Here come my cows coming over the hill."

 

Q: What did the farmer say when he saw the cows coming over the hill wearing sun glasses?

A: He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t recognize them.


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ‘It’s a period,’ he replied. ‘I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?

‘Darned if I know,’ he said, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.’


I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?" I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what’s in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It’s wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."


Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I’m very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My mother always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for?


My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist…
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.


"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for dinner and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator." –Bill Lawrence


Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn’t Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…"

Morris was now fuming. "What’s the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"


Customer: I’d like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.


A True Story from the Jacksonville , Florida, Police Department

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and rundown the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies "150"
and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says…real slowly.

. "So……………ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"


A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."


Some wife one-liners

  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

An Israeli doctor says, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A Russian doctor says, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

What’s the difference between Australia Post and an elephant?

Dunno! Well I won’t ask you to go and post a letter!!

 

Q. Why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?

A. He was a real party pooper!!!!!

 

Q. What did they call winnie the poo when he got run over.

A. A Dead Shi_!!!


Girl: You remind me of the sea.

Boy: Why? Because I’m so wild, romantic and unpredictable?

Girl: No. Because you make me sick.


"Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" –Rita Rudner


Quasimodo saw an advert for a bell-ringer at Notre Dame Cathedral, applied and got it. The sexton said as a joke, ‘You have to strike the bell with your head to make it ring.’ Quasimodo did so, even though it made his head ring. But when he hit it 12 times at noon, he was so concussed he staggered around the belfry and fell out, hitting the ground below with a splat. Two citizens were walking past, and one said ‘Who on earth is that?’

The other said ‘I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.’

The next week, Quasimodo’s brother sees the advert for a replacement bell-ringer, applies and gets the job. Again, the sexton conned him into ringing the bell with his head.
Again at noon, he gets concussed and falls out, hitting the ground with a splat, as the same two citizens come along.
‘Who on earth is that?’ said the first.

The other said, ‘I don’t know, but he’s the dead ringer of the guy who was here last week.’


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.


When a man gets married he has 3 rings

  1. An engagement ring
  2. A wedding ring and
  3. Suffering

"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."–Dave Letterman


A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British gent pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look ‘armless! ‘op in!"


DIARY OF A BLONDE

JAN : Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

FEB : Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter !!!

MAR : Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months – box said “2-4 years”!

APR : Trapped on escalator for hours – power went out!

MAY : Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!!

JUN : Tried to water-ski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope

JUL : Lost breast stroke swimming contest – learned later the other swimmers cheated – they used their arms

AUG : Got locked out of my car in rain storm – car swamped because soft-top was open

SEP : The capital of California is “C” – isn’t it???

OCT : Hate Smarties – they are so hard to peel!

NOV : Baked turkey for 41/2 days – instructions said 1 hour per pound – and I weigh 108!!!

DEC : Couldn’t call 911 – duh – there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!


This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.


A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband.
Can you tell me where he is?"

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."


Answering Machine Recording: You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now… Now press the other one."


"The Olympics have started and the skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. They made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners — it’s not torture, it’s Pilates."-Craig Ferguson


For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity… (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”


Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky,a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “if you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!”

It worked.


When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.


“They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, which is a good thing to remember the next time you get lonely.” -Fred Stoller


There is a lovely small historic town Coromandel which is situated half way up the Coromandel Peninsula. Fortunately the developers have not got in there, yet! The local Lions Club has a roadside sign on the left “Welcome to Coromandel, please drive carefully. We have no hospital and two cemeteries.”


Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be, new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked –

‘What are you selling here?’

One of the men replied sarcastically,

‘We’re selling arse-holes.’

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

‘You are doing well … Only two left!’


I was at a meeting the other day when a woman jumped up saying I have just had an idea. It was like a little fart going off in my head.


Q. What goes cloak, cloak?
A. A Chinese toad.


No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. –Fran Lebowitz


“A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $5 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to two doors down.” –Jay Leno


YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AUSTRALIAN IF:- (Part 2)

  1. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
  2. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
  3. You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
  4. You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”.
  5. You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
  6. Hamburger. With Beetroot. Of course.
  7. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
  8. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
  9. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
  10. You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

With even greater emphasis he said,

‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’


“My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it’s time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.” –Kevin Hench


Sign on condom machine in Men’s Room: “Don’t buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.”


Left over jokes from Christmas crackers.

Q. Why do cows have bells?
A. Because their horns don’t work.

Q. What do you get if you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A. A bird that plucks itself.

Q. Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A. They have two left feet.

Q. What type of shoes do frogs wear?
A. Open toad.

Q. Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
A. Because it was in a pickle.

Q. How can you tell which spiders are the trendiest?
A. They have their own websites.

Q. What’s a polygon?
A. A dead parrot.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a rest- aurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”


President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.

He begins his remarks with, “Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!”

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the president’s ear, “Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath.”


A Somalian arrives in Melbourne as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Australian, for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!” The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander.” The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ” Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!”

The person says, “I not Australian, I Vietnamese.” The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful Australia!” That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!” He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an Australian?” She says, “No, I am from Africa!”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Australians?” The African lady checks her watch and says….”Probably at the PUB.”


Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably a life sentence.”


I wish I’d thought of this… At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.


A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah….” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.

“I see you are the father of two children.”

“Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think…”


The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under “Reason unable to work,” she wrote: “Can’t stand to cook.”


A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

“I was out of town on business,” he told the doctor,” and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend!”

The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.

The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments then said, “Maybe she never got your telegram.”


Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”


Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

“What’s that big brass gong for ?” one of the friend’s asked.

“Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock” he drunkenly replied.

“A talking Maori clock – seriously ?” “Yup.” “Hmmm (hic).” “How’s it work ?” the second friend asked, squinting at it. “Just watch” he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, “For god sake, you stupid coconut . It’s ten past three in the b….y morning !!!”


I was playing darts while watching darts on the TV the other day. One of the competitors finished on a bulls eye. My three and a half year old daughter said “get a blacks eye daddy” (the bulls eye on my dart board is black)I threw three darts, all into the 25. My daughter said “Oh, your not as good as the man on TV”. Although quite chuffed with hitting 3 x 25’s, I must have shown a look for disappointment on my face at her comment. She quickly stated “your not as good as the man on TV but I still love you daddy”. How’s that for true empathy?


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38! ” (Repent and be baptised, in the name of J ebsus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Axe and Two 38’s!”


A bus on a busy street in New York City strikes a man. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd – “A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

“B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…”


Here is a Group of Medical Terms as Defined by Blondes:

  • Barium: What to do when treatment fails.
  • Cauterize: Make eye contact with her.
  • Colic: Sheepdog.
  • Dilate: To live long.
  • Enema: Not a friend.
  • Fester: Quicker.
  • Hangnail: Coat hook.
  • Labor pain: Hurt at work.
  • Tablet: Small table.
  • Tumor: More than one.
  • Varicose: Nearby.
  • Vein: Conceited.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 37

Reduce stress at Christmas by reducing your expectations. This can apply to the behaviour of family members, gifts you give and receive, food preparation and expressions of gratitude.


A Christmas Story from James

The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son.

The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he
came running outside and shouted: ‘I have seen him, the son of our lord!’

The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: ‘I have seen the babe, our savior is born!’

The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: ‘BOOOM’, he hit his head on a rafter and shouted ‘JESUS CHRIST!’.

Mary looked up and said, ‘Hey, … that sounds a lot better than Claude.’


My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceededto tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her, “If
you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it
under my arms.”

The pharmacist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”

The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says: “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”


Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other, “Can you smell gas?”

“Gas? No, I can’t even smell my name!”


“Of course a platonic relationship is possible, but only between husband and wife.” – Unknown.


I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What…? Say that again..?” I’m cured?”


English Is A Crazy Language

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that…. quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Humans?

If critically injured means badly injured, does critically acclaimed mean badly acclaimed?


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 20 kgs.

Q. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


A Farmer goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows!”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”


Senior Moments 80 year old woman says to her hubby “Oh Gawd I’m convinced I’m losing my mind” He replies “Im not surprised you’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for over 20 years.

Mid-life is when you go to the Dr and you realise you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you’re getting old when you feel bad in the morning without having any fun the night before

Laugh a little every day, it’s better than chicken soup. At least that’s what the chickens say

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 14.

Ask for help

We sometimes expect that people around us should see that we are overwhelmed and offer us help. Most people have no idea how we are feeling, but will gladly help if asked


A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


“Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.” —Ogden Nash


Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door.”


Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, “What are you looking for in that closet?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he answered.

“Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed.”


A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer Magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… And nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says “I’m 18, sir.”

The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 16 in 11minutes"


My son is 23 years old, 6′ 2”, strong and fit as a lion, thin as a stick insect, knows just about everything about everything, works very hard as a cattle man/stock and stock agent on the edge of Victoria’s high mountain country and of course is “extremely cool”.

We were having an animated discussion about someone who had annoyed him and about life in general -(and when trying to share a little of my wisdom with him asked if he understood the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Instantly he retorted with a smile as big as the world –“of course assertive is when you grab them by the throat because they will not listen to you and aggressive is when you have to punch them!”


Puns from DC

  • Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly”.


An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ‘Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’

One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?

The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch.’


Funny seen on a blackboard outside Lifeline in Rockhampton – “There are only three mens hair styles – The parted, The Unparted, and the Departed!!!”


A little old lady went out on a date after meeting a lovely old gentleman in their retirement village. A lovely dinner led to coffee at his place, which led to the usual. Afterwards, lying in bed, the old gentleman thought to himself “Wow, if I’d known she was a virgin I would have taken it easier with her!”

The little old lady lay there thinking “Wow, if I’d known he could get it up at his age, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”

Middle Aged Quick Wit

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

“This is great,” he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. “I can
get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph
to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, “What the hell am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing” and pulled over to the side of
the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver’s side.

“Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
“Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The Policeman said, “Have a nice day.”