The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market." -Craig Ferguson

Some things never change—but the terminology often does.
Author Cindy Chupack has coined these useful neologisms to help the unattached negotiate the wilds of singledom.

Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance.

Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random singles are perfect for each other.

DNRR (Do Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop…"

My daughter is pregnant and early in her pregnancy she sent a downloaded picture of the baby at 8 weeks gestation and emailed it to her hubby at work, cc’ing it to his mum and myself stating that this was what our baby looked like now.
Without missing a beat he replied to her (and us) with the statement that he thought that at this stage their baby looked more like its mother than its father.

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.

25 percent of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90 percent will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

A blonde died and went to heaven and was met at the gates by St Peter. St Peter said to her “we have a bit of a rush on at present however there are three questions you must answer before I can let you through. I’ll give you the questions so that you can think about them and save some time and tomorrow you can give me your answers”. “The questions are: How many days of the week start with the letter T? How many seconds are there in a year? (I know you’re already working that one out) What is the first name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”

Next day St Peter approached the blonde. “Well, have you given the questions some thought?” “Oh yes” said the blonde “there are two days in the week which start with the letter T – today and tomorrow”.

St Peter sighed. “Very well”, he said “How many seconds are there in a year?” “Oh that was the easiest” the blonde replied “there are twelve”. “Twelve?” St Peter said “how did you calculate that?” “Well, there’s the second of January, the second of February, the second of March…”.

St Peter said “I’m really letting you off lightly but you must get the third question absolutely correct. “What is the swagman’s name?” “Andy” the blonde replied. “Andy? How did you discover that?” “Easy – And’e sat, And’e watched And’e waited ‘till his billy boiled. The blonde passed through the gates with no further comment.

During the huge dust storm in Sydney on Wednesday I got a call from one of my colleagues in the office basement, who wanted me to move my car so he could leave. He said "Go and wash that thing. Its filthy! Its like you took it four wheel driving in the mud! Ugh!" I said "That’s South Australian bulldust". He said "No mate. It really is dirty
– and I’m not from South Australia!"

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

It’s the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible’, said the man.

‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.’

‘Oh ….. I’m sorry to hear that mate. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?’

The man shakes his head ‘No, they’re all at the funeral.’

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very expensive restaurant for dinner one night. Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?"

The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I’ll take care of everything."

"Fine," said the waiter.

The next day the headlines read: ‘Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death’

The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, ‘Get yourself over here ! What’s your name?"

"Paul," the new recruit replied.

"Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit they’re teaching in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only

Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as ‘Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?"

The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here’s what I want you to do ….."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong."
—Milton Berle

I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)


To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

  1. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
  2. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
  3. Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

A grade 2 teacher was teaching her students about probability. She had a masking tape line on the classroom floor with ‘likely’ at one end, and ‘impossible’ at the other. When she made a statement, the students had to stand on an appropriate place on the line. "I will see a flying pig today" had one child on "impossible" and another dithering between that and "unlikely". The teacher tried some open-ended questioning- "What would a pig need to fly?"

The answer- "A cape?"

True story, and tired teachers in week 11 of a 12 week term fell about laughing in our meeting last night.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. ‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’

Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’ ‘An arm and a leg.’

Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib ?

Of course the rest is history….. …….!! !!

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!"

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 11

Keep moving

Brisk walking for just 30 minutes a day, can increase your restance to stress and your ability to recover more quickly.

“Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have 20-year- olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20, that’s why.” -Craig Ferguson

“New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it.” -Dave Letterman

“If I’d have known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.” —Unknown

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long- term capital gain?”

A woman was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ” Ma’am, you had twins – a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no! Not Mike; he’s an idiot!”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, “Wow! That’s a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.

“What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

A woman in my office who had recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher CPR course.

“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.

“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years.”

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you’d like to know.

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver’s license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

“Could you get a little closer?” the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. “Now what?”

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 200 litres of milk. When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2 litres. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 200 litres of milk. Did you mean 2 litres?” The blonde said, “I want 200 litres. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits will be fine.”

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “What do you mean, nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour now.”
Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What…? Say that again…? I’m cured?”

From the ‘Odd Spot’ in The Age (Thursday 10th May)”

Two Norwegian vandals overlooked a small detail as they started to smash up a station lift, they were inside it. The lift at Lillestroem north of Oslo, played its part, sealing its doors and holding them for police. ‘Vandalism is always sad, but a lot of people do see the humour in this’ a railways spokeswoman said. “

Sometimes life itself is funnier than any created joke, isn’t it.

A little boy opened his refrigerator door and saw the Easter Bunny there He asked “What are you doing in there?” The Easter Bunny replied “Is this a Westinghouse?” The boy said “Yes.” The Easter Bunny said “I’m westing?”

I thought that was cute on it’s own then one of the radio announcers said”What happened to Mrs Easter Bunny?”
“We don’t know”

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

“Is anything all right?”

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He said that, “Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.”

How Fathers Think

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
Stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
Hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry
Her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?”

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

“You shag her again.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she once could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”



Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Kims bump in 360° at 36 Weeks

Here we go folks – Kims bump in 360° at 36 Weeks tonight, discount in the flesh.
Slide the bar side to side to turn Kim around to view her at all angles.
How cool is that!! – Let me know what you think – leave a comment.

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