Movie Quotes – The First Drafts
The Godfather
"I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I’d jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?"
The Terminator
"I’ll be back. Do you need anything while I’m out?"
Got my son a iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter a iPod for hers, was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.
Got my wife a iRon for her Birthday, it was around then the fight started……
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That’s so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You’ll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"
One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.
"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’" –Peter Kay
Classified Ad from local newspaper
09′ Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.
It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn’t mean what I thought. Call Steve. 5555-1212.
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?" –Ronnie Shakes
True story
When my two boys were aged 3 and 5 we moved to a country town.Next door was a vacant block and beyond that a house where an old man lived with his very old sister. One day my sons wandered over and talked to the man over his fence.
Soon they came running into the house very excited.
Mum, guess what the man next door is doing? What, I asked?
He’s minding his own business, was the animated reply.The next day the man appeared at my door and gruffly offered me some plums from his tree.
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquorstore and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
Get help immediately.
For the kids
Q: Why did they have a funeral for the frog?
A: Because he croaked.
Q: Why did the ox lose his job on the farm?
A: Because he couldn’t take a yoke.
Q: Why are movie stars so cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.
Q: Who earns a living driving customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
A little known fact…. The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
"The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except, of course women, slaves and poor people." -Dave Barry
The Pope and Kevin Rudd (Prime Minister) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me." So the Pope backhanded the prime minister.
A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!" Her husband yells back, "But what should I pack?"
The wife replies, "I DON’T CARE! JUST PACK AND GET THE HELL OUT!"
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.
"She doesn’t know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn’t know what a phone booth is."
Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand. And won first prize.
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?, asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That’s easy," said Tom. "You just say ‘Of course I will’".
"Yeah", said Eric, "That’s what I did, except I said, ‘Of course I DO….’"
A little girl’s Christmas wish:
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer,
Amen.."
A couple of days ago my wife and I, our oldest daughter and her nine year old were driving back home from our youngest daughter’s wedding. It had been a great day and we were discussing the event.
Our youngest is a very short and petite lady who has trouble (!) finding clothes small and slim enough for her. But she managed to get a suitable and beautiful wedding dress without having one specially made.
Conversation in the car went as follows Older Daughter – didn’t she look lovely in her dress? My wife – yes, and it cost less than $1000 too Nine year Old grand son – A thousand dollars!!!!! and she will only wear it once !!!! Me – Well he’s growing up to be a proper bloke!
Not sure that my response was really appreciated by the ladies.
The quotes from youngsters in church, reminds me that for years I thought in the Lord’s Prayer that the line "forgive us all evil." was "forgive us all eagle." I just couldn’t understand 1.) Why it was all eagle and not all eagles and 2.) Why the God should forgive us for eagles!
Well, at least I knew something about grammar!
Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…. You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes."
An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat."
In the fun world of the administration of NZ Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example: On a bitterly cold winter’s day several weeks ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What’s the matter?" asked the constable. "Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out." "Can’t." "OK, watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded …."
Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS
A. A crazy bitch that can find you.
An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.
First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.
He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"
The sailor says, "Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."
So the maid takes his peter and lays it out on a marble bench. She then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his peter causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well….?"
She proudly replies:
"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God".
Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars…"
Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you…."
Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine YES OR NO?"
Abe says, "OK, OK. I’ll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Sam answers, "Eleven years!"
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. During the day I'm an Application Developer for Rotorua District Council and after hours I run Hodgeman Web & Design.
