The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. Her girlfriend is fond of playing online slots that is why she loved claiming slot deposit bonuses every time she encountered one.

“It’s me or the magazines,” Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.

Barry calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”

“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.

“I can’t see myself coming into work today,” says Barry.

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can’t forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application. I should have taking advice on vehicles before making a decision. "

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A frog walks into his local bank branch, asks for the loans officer. He goes in, sits on her desk, and sees shes called Patricia Whack. He asks her for a $50,000 loan to do a world cruise. She asks what security he has and he produces a 4 cm pink porcelain elephant and says his dad is Mick Jagger. She asks the manager for advice – he says
Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Our new Kindergarten class returned to school for their second day. A little boy sitting at the front, with a concerned look on his face, put up his hand. "Will any of us graduate today?" he asked.

Some bad puns

  1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
    it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a
    little behind in his work.
  4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
  5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
    in Linoleum Blownapart.
  6. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
    hit me.
  8. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  9. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  10. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

True stories from precious seniors

Vera had a wicked sense of humour and was having her mental health assessed, and when asked when her birthday was? says “2nd March “ when asked what year is that? She says “Every year”


Mary who had dementia, was being admitted to the nursing home and the nurse was trying to attain what her memory was like. After telling Mary who she was and questioning her for the endless paperwork, the nurse then asks “Do you know who I am?” Mary looks at her and smiles and says “Why darling have you forgotten who you are to?

Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.

How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That’s fine," replied the girl. "I’ll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

We were eating out at a restaurant the other day and our daughter said to us Daughter: "I know what I am going to do when I am older" Mum: "and whats that?" Daughter: "I am going to be a PE teacher, and a mum … AND I am going to own a restaurant" Mum: "Wow … that sounds like a lot …"
Daughter: "And you know what? … I am going to WORK TOO!"

Well that just cracked me up …… from the mouth of a 5 year old!

A woman gave birth in a new state of the art delivery suite. It was so hi-tech that the baby came out cordless.

“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.” ~ Rita Mae Brown

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Australia….Kevin Rudd. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. The enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $2.73 million on the enquiry, a special Royal Commission presented the following findings:

  1. The stamp is in perfect order.
  2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
  3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, ‘Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?’

‘Bejaysus —- Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because,’ said Mick, ‘the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.’

Paddy said, ‘Stupid idiots, the laugh’s on them ….. I wasn’t home yesterday.’

Customer, "I’m sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don’t have anything left over for a tip."

Waiter, "One moment, sir, and I’ll add up the bill again."

Latest from Belfast:

Peter Robinson is having trouble with his eyes because someone poked a finger in his Iris.

Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?’" -Dave Letterman

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.

Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely.
Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 16

Set Priorities

Ask yourself often during the day, “What is the best use of my time right now?”

Some Puns

  • History is clumsy, it makes to many eras.
  • When women enter middle age it give men a pause.
  • Only kings worry about a receding heir line.
  • Police were called into a day-care were a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and ill show you Aflat minor.
  • I tried to think of a pun to do with the cold, but it was snow good.

“I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'” –Kathleen Madigan

A good one for the farmers

There was a struggling farmer who owned a property on the drought ravaged western Darling Downs. The Qld. Dept of Labour claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent a Public Servant out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the P S. “Well,” replied the farmer, “There’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of Bundy every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the P S. “That would be me,” replied the farmer.

“What is that sound?” a woman asked at our nature center.

“It’s the frogs trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist, explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But since they’ve been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.”

The woman nodded sympathetically, “The trill is gone.”

“My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.” –Glen Super

Old & New Biblical Humour

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan…)

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Melbourne hotel.

“Good evening, sir,” said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. “Suite 16?”

“Oh, no!” the young man responded quickly. “She’s eighteen.”

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, “We got him! We got him!”

A woman goes into a dentist’s office for a check up. After he is through examining her he says,” I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m going to have to drill that tooth.”

“Oooooooohhhh!,” says the woman. “I’d rather have a baby!” To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

At the church’s husband’s marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience “Well, I’v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary! The Priest immediately commented, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary…”

Luigi proudly replied, ” I’m-a gonna go and-a get her.”

A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails — is that correct?”

“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”

“Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.”

“No,” she replied, “it’s the really big lobster.”

“Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said, amazed. “They must be old lobster tails!”

“No, they’re definitely today’s.”

“Today’s big red lobster tails — $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.

“Yes,” she insisted.

“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big, red lobster…”

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”

The husband replies, “What did he say about your 55-year old arse?”

She replied, “Your name never came up.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 14.

Ask for help

We sometimes expect that people around us should see that we are overwhelmed and offer us help. Most people have no idea how we are feeling, but will gladly help if asked

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

“Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.” —Ogden Nash

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door.”

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, “What are you looking for in that closet?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he answered.

“Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed.”

A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer Magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… And nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says “I’m 18, sir.”

The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 16 in 11minutes"

My son is 23 years old, 6′ 2”, strong and fit as a lion, thin as a stick insect, knows just about everything about everything, works very hard as a cattle man/stock and stock agent on the edge of Victoria’s high mountain country and of course is “extremely cool”.

We were having an animated discussion about someone who had annoyed him and about life in general -(and when trying to share a little of my wisdom with him asked if he understood the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Instantly he retorted with a smile as big as the world –“of course assertive is when you grab them by the throat because they will not listen to you and aggressive is when you have to punch them!”

Puns from DC

  • Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly”.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ‘Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’

One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?

The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch.’

Funny seen on a blackboard outside Lifeline in Rockhampton – “There are only three mens hair styles – The parted, The Unparted, and the Departed!!!”

A little old lady went out on a date after meeting a lovely old gentleman in their retirement village. A lovely dinner led to coffee at his place, which led to the usual. Afterwards, lying in bed, the old gentleman thought to himself “Wow, if I’d known she was a virgin I would have taken it easier with her!”

The little old lady lay there thinking “Wow, if I’d known he could get it up at his age, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”