The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back."

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
11. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"

"Obama held his first news conference today, as president- elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense." -Jimmy Kimmel

A definition of golf

An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.

A nice story – will make you appreciate family . . …
however for most of us, it’s too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ‘And always remember this thing,’
she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’

‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.

She answered in her soft Scottish voice. ‘Makes your d i c k look bigger.’

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside For a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast. — David Yost

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Student: "A teacher."

There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn’t happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I’m getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that’s pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn’t matter which twelve hours you work."

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

Quote of the Week ‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’ Thomas Jefferson 1802

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 23.

Eat anti-ageing foods.

Tomatoes, blue berries, apples, watermelon, peppers, pumpkin, broccholi, leafy greens, eggs, salmon, soy, tofu, beans, small handful of nuts, dark chocolate (75% cocoa).

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?” Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk.

“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old Gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer”.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, “Don’t you want to participate in our competition?”

The guy asks “What’s it all about?”

The barman informs him, “All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.”

The guy replies, “No I don’t think so, mate… the steaks are too high!”

“Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.” -Dave Letterman

Quotes

• You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk. George Clooney
• The trouble with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer. Joan Collins
• Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the plane and the pessimist the parachute
• Plane travel is natures way of making you look like your passport photo
• The formula for successful relationship is simple: treat all disasters as if they were trivialities, but never treat triviality as if it were a disaster. Quentin Crisp
• Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up alongside it. David Lee Roth
• They say marriages are made in heaven but so are thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
• The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh
• Its just like magic, when you live by yourself all your annoying habits are gone. Merrill Markoe
• For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. Lily Tomlin
• Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh, either. Golda Meir

The teacher asked a little hillbilly student to make a sentence using the word “Mahogany” So he said ” We had corn fer dinner last night but I didn’t give ma hog any.”

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” (Oscar Levant)

Son: ‘Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

An Australian, a South African and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African’s Horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the Kiwi replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you Are also very brave”, the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”? “Tie the Australian to my back.”

I have a friend who is going through a rough spot so instead of ringing her and asking hows everything going I started texting her silly questions. Well, I remembered a few from your book. Here is the answer she sent to….”If dog food has a new and improved taste, who taste tests it?” ……Her reply… Men in the dog house. Just so good.