The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’" -Jimmy Fallon


It’s just dawned on me….

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly 2 hours today after a player reported an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Robbie Deans immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY LINE.

Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again! Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. ‘You are all part of our team now’, said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. ‘You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees’.

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, ‘You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?’

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating ‘no’.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, ‘Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?’

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, ‘You fool!!!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No!’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ ‘Yes!’ she replied. Then I said, ‘I’d like to phone a friend.’ That’s the last thing I remember.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left chest and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


"Be alert…the world needs more lerts." — Anonymous

"Be aloof – the world has enough lerts." – Denise


Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.’

Ian says to his pal, ‘Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.’

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries,’ smiled Craig, ‘I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.


An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is’.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an ugly, fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them Into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the Numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son…..’Go get your mother.’


"I’m not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" –Emo Philips


You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him "Doctor". –Abe Lemons


"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you’re interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."–Amy Poehler


"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be- tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that?
President Bush commented on this today, he said, ‘Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They’re already here.’" -Jay Leno


Paddy met Mick in the street and said,’Paddy, in future you should draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife !’

‘And why would I be doing that?’ Paddy asked. ‘Because,’
said Mick, ‘all the street was Sniggering when they saw you two making love all yesterday.’

Mick said, ‘Nosey bug gers, anyway, the laugh’s on them. I wasn’t home yesterday.’


A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"


"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." –Jay Leno


Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.

She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."

Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right.
Just look how much he loves his mother."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I’d had enough of my employees’ abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."


My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly- button pierced. "No way!" my father fired back. "This is an Air Force family — no navel destroyers are allowed!"


Our daughter moved out of home over a year ago. We really miss her so were very excited when townhouses began to be built across to road to our place. I rang her immediately, suggesting she should quickly put down a deposit on one before they all sold. There was silence on the end of the line for a few seconds before she responded that she didn’t want to take the risk. I assured her that if she was worried about missing a payment now and then, we would certainly help her out.

"It isn’t that," she moaned. "I don’t want to risk you turning into the grandmother from that T.V. show ‘Everyone Loves Raymond!’


"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright


Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.

"Why?"

"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me."

"What’d you do?"

"I asked her for her phone number."


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

 

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.


"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island.
Which leads to the question, ‘If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?’" -Jay Leno


This Irish bus driver decided to do things a little differently. Instead of jumping over buses on a motorcycle he decided to jump over some motorcycles in his bus. So he lined up a few motorcycles and off he went. He would’ve made it too but halfway across someone rang the bell…..


A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’ The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’ The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’ The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’ The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, ‘Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison.’


A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, "I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here’s some good news," said the secretary.

"You’re not sterile."


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000.00 ring.

The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000.00’ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the older man.

‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’


"Be alert…the world needs more lerts." — Anonymous


We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."


Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Blackpool. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered "Yeah, but you’ve got a driver…"


"There’s a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they’d eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn’t true." –Ian Hart


A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn’t decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler- ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!


During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin


"A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong."
—Milton Berle


I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.


Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

  1. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
  2. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
  3. Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.


A grade 2 teacher was teaching her students about probability. She had a masking tape line on the classroom floor with ‘likely’ at one end, and ‘impossible’ at the other. When she made a statement, the students had to stand on an appropriate place on the line. "I will see a flying pig today" had one child on "impossible" and another dithering between that and "unlikely". The teacher tried some open-ended questioning- "What would a pig need to fly?"

The answer- "A cape?"

True story, and tired teachers in week 11 of a 12 week term fell about laughing in our meeting last night.


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"


Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. ‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’

Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’ ‘An arm and a leg.’

Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib ?

Of course the rest is history….. …….!! !!


When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!"


A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."